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Old 03-21-2014, 04:20 PM   #52
CinnamonApples
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10

Unhappy

Hi all! I have been reading the first part and this thread and find it so relevant. Looks like no one has posted for a while, but I hope to be read. This is my first post here ever, I joined 3FC just to post here, because I just had to. I would like your help... I have been dieting and I have been binging. I also feel that the only way out is to stop dieting, but I find it hard to let go. I have a severe anxiety about how I look and I always hope that if I could lose that weight and THEN do intuitive eating, it would be perfect. But, obviously, I wasn't successful at that if I am back to and over the weight I have started at. In fact, I was trying to get back in control for over a year, but... The more I try the worse it gets. I am not even able to follow a diet for a week anymore. Before, I was quite successful at restricting with only occasional binges, but with some circumstances that led to stress and anxiety, I turned to food... Anyway, how do you deal with giving up dieting while still wanting to lose weight? Also, do you still feel anxious about how you look? I am painfully aware of my body and I am trying hard to ignore negative feelings about it, but I just can't. My brain is screaming fat fat fat, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, and my hands grab my belly fat with disgust... Not sure what to do. And, because of that stress over how I look, I only feel more anxious and want to binge more. I am aware that I am digging a hole to myself and I should just let myself be, but awareness does not change how I feel. I wish I could just shut off my brain and relax. How you were able to let go?

I have not lost my hunger signals, like I read some people have. Although I find it hard to wait until I feel hungry, especially when I am not busy doing other things. But, I do have problems with feeling satisfied. My mom used to make me clean the plate. I have some memories from my childhood when I felt awful full, but she forced me to finish. But at some point I stopped feeling this way, I learned to ignore that feeling and that was even before dieting. Now I am able to eat eat eat and yes, I do feel kinda full, but my brain does not scream STOP like it should. I can easily go past comfortable fullness. This was ok when I was eating low calorie food, actually I used to be glad that I can eat huge amounts of food and still be thin. That was when I was eating low calorie foods, but that's not what I am doing now... I think that my stomach is really stretched, so it is harder to understand when enough is enough with any kind of foods. Furthermore, when I try IE, I am afraid of stopping too soon. I am afraid of binging and so I overeat so that I wouldn't binge. I have tried IE a few times before, but I would only end up overeating. Eventually, I would say to myself that I can't do this and I need to be accountable and start counting calories again. Also when I attempt IE, I am eating lots of sweets and stuff that I would not like to eat not just for the weight, but also because it makes me feel bad and anxious. And, I eat it not because of hunger, but just because it tastes good, so that is probably even against IE. But for some reason, when I try IE, I feel like I Should eat everything, like it is part of a programme or something. What I am trying to say is that I want to eat healthy and I do not want to eat all that sugary crap that makes me feel bad afterwards, but I do, I guess to prove myself that I can. I don't know if I make any sense, but it hard to explain. I just wish I could Intuitively Eat healthfully.

When I am trying to ignore feelings about my looks and just try to enjoy living, it feels like faking, it feels like I am lying to myself, because deep down (not even so deep actually) I do want to look and feel good. At the same time I do want to enjoy life and let go. It's like I am in a trap and I don't know how to get out. I wish I have never went on a diet and that is another source of mourning for me, another reason why I feel bad. I think about all these years that I have ****ed up with dieting and I am terrified that I will never get my life back, that I will always be obsessed with food, never able to enjoy it, never able to just eat and not think about it 24/7.

Also, did you manage to become an intuitive eater on your own or did you have some support? I am attempting this on my own. I am in a normal weight range, so no one even suspects about my struggles with food. They would think I am crazy if I told that I binge eat. People think that only super skinny and really overweight have problems with eating.

It turned out to be a very long post. Sorry about that, but I have a lot on my mind. Much more than that! I'd be grateful for your advise. Thanks!!!!
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