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Old 03-18-2014, 03:49 PM   #29
Battling Binge Eating
mainecyn's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 300

S/C/G: 228/179/150

Height: 5'5 1/2


I had a crappy day today, and I am proud of myself for "drowning my sorrows" with sugar-free, fat-free home made hot chocolate. Wow. I can really party, can't I.
It sounds wonderful. I wish I could do that kind of stuff. I have learned these past few months that it really doesn't matter if it is sugar free, fat free, etc. anything that is "chocolate", candy, or "healthy" chip type things, I eat and eat. I dont' know what the issue is except that it is the TASTE it has to be, the food itself. I have the same reaction, I want more and it kind of "wakes up" the urge to eat. I have tried for years to conquer that response, but it doesn't happen.

I have tried also just to focus on "healthy" types of sweet tasting things like fruit. I still binge on them. I don't know what it is about the sweetness but I can sit and eat an entire package of strawberries, raspberries, or blueberries, several even. I dont know what is wrong with me except if you want to get scientific maybe it is the actual sweet receptors on my tongue, the taste buds? Is that even an option? That they are oversensitive to sweetness?

my boyf eats junk all day and does no excersise at all-to me he is not overweight but the statistics say he is-i dont personally go by official statistics,if i feel good in general and fit etc and eating healthy food getting nutrients etc-so basically happy then thats better than goin by a reading on a scale!
I am blessed, or curses if you look at it that way, to have my husband who can eat anything, no matter what it is, no matter how much, candy and sugar every day, and he wont gain. The man is like a humming bird, can not keep weight on. I love the man with all my heart.

I feel totally accepted by him, loved by him, and respected by my husband. It hasn't mattered to him what my size. When I first started losing weight I can still remember my the first time my husband hugged me from behind, and his arms circled me and he could lace his fingers. He stood there holding me and said "Wow, I can remember when I couldn't do this, wrap both arms around you and hold you"..he was right. In our wedding pictures his hands were all resting on my hips, he could hug me from behind and he couldn't get all the way around me. I was always self conscious about my weight and size, but he never ever mentioned. So, I was shocked when my husband began mentioning little things like that, I never thought he "saw the weight".

While I love my husband and believe that he loves me no matter what my size I myself am overly self conscious and embarrassed by our size difference, still. He has no body fat, none whatsoever, and there is no saggy skin, stretch marks, or flab anywhere. At 53 he is still "firm" no gravity going on at all. I can't help but compare myself to him, and feel I am "less" than he is. At times my husband will come up and hug me, rub my back, or even touch my bottom and the first thing I do is think does he notice how flat and saggy my bottom is? Let me stand up straight or at an angle so he cant feel the back fat going on. Is it horrible to feel this way, to feel almost trapped, that I can't hide these imperfections from him?

I worked til lunch, ran to the store, came home to take care of my daughter that is home sick. I got laundry going, unloaded groceries, and began dinner. I put chicken Marsala on for dinner, browning the boneless chicken thighs, making the sauce, tossing in the mushrooms, its all in a pyrex dish waiting to go in the oven when I get home. I'm making rice in the rice cooker right now, everyone else will be eating that with their chicken. I have learned it is so much easier just making most of dinner the afternoon during lunch. It saves me time, and makes the time after work less stressful and I wont snack after work with dinner all ready to go.

I have to find something to eat for lunch and go back to work. I haven't eaten yet. It just dawned on me that I hadn't eaten yet today. I'm not hungry, but I better since I haven't eaten anything since dinner last night.

No binge eating, no over eating, no cravings so far for chips, candy, chocolate, etc. I am doing this. I am focusing on the positive and reminding myself that the reaction to anything is my own. If I get upset I get upset first. It is what happens after I get upset, the decision to deal with these feelings, or to immediately turn to food. I hope it this type of behavior will eventually just be a normal reaction. I want to "untrain" myself and change the behavior. I do remember this much from the brain over binge book saying that you really can change your brains reactions, that eventually those areas that respond with binge eating will fade, that those connections decrease until they eventually disappear. I don't know, sounds too good to be true.

I am not sure if it is really doing anything but I am trying to keep myself busy during "down time" at night. Last night we watched a dvd, Nebraska. Tonight, we will watch another movie, and my rule has been (for myself) no snacks during movies or tv. This is new for me. If my husband is taking a bath I no longer allow myself to eat anything at all, this used to be time I would find myself binge eating. So, if he isn't in the bedroom with me I now try to play cards on my kindle, or occupy myself somehow with anything but food. I don't want to start eating alone, it is too much like "hiding" what I am eating and not being accountable for whats going in my mouth. I know I wont over eat or binge eat with my husband in the room, never have and never will, its all about the privacy during that act of binge eating.

I hope everyone has a great day today and we make it thru the week. We can do this, right? We are doing this, right now!
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Last edited by mainecyn; 03-18-2014 at 03:54 PM.
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