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Old 03-12-2014, 01:36 AM   #33
Fiona W
rockin' my 50s!
 
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: from Houston, TX ; now in Washington DC area
Posts: 809

S/C/G: 351/275/140

Height: 5'3"

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Hey folks. I haven't posted in a few days because I've been so angry at something Bob did Sunday night I haven't been able to get my brain to function. But I think I can talk about it now.

Sundays are turning into our regular night for having our niece and her 7-yr-old son over, and somehow the conversation around the dinner table turned to the subject of sweets. =sigh= I didn't join in, of course, but there the three of them were, chatting away about chocolate and cake and banana bread and so on, going on about what sweets they like, which ones they don't like. If I were to repeat all the things they said about foods that are mostly sugar, I know it would drive you guys batty.

But I actually felt pretty well-defended and was handling it OK, until my husband brought up this stupid Internet game that's all about...you guessed it: cookies. My nemesis. And of course since Bob was stressed by the social contact, he got sticky-obsessional and compulsive about describing absolutely everything about this cookie game, which apparently entails all different kinds of them, grandmas who bake them, factories that make them, planets that are covered with them, and so on and so on. Except that he wasn't saying "them" the way I did just now, he was repeating the word "cookies" over and over and over again, to the point where my brain got completely fried. So I asked him politely if he would stop talking about the game and stop saying the word "cookies." He looked at me, registered what I'd said, and then proceeded to keep going, describing more and more levels of the game, repeating the word "cookies" so many times, finally I blurted out, "Bob!! If there were someone at the dinner table who had just quit smoking, you wouldn't start going cigarette-cigarette-cigarette-cigarette, would you?" Which made everyone stare at me of course, and I got really embarrassed, so on top of being freaked out, I felt like a total fool.

I only quit binging on cookies at the end of November. It hasn't been that long, not to break a habit that lasted for decades. Thanks to what Bob did, I spent the rest of Sunday night, until 4 in the morning, in a painful state of cookie craving. Arrrrgggh! And he didn't really apologize, either. He acted as though I was unreasonable to be so mad at him.

Ever since that happened, I've had a really hard time getting food into myself. They say that restricting is the flipside of binging, that if you have Binge Eating Disorder (BED), which I'm in recovery from, that you run a risk of going to the other extreme, and restricting your food intake in a way that's self-destructive. It's all part of the anorexia-bulimia-BED spectrum of eating disorders.

Every time I take like a couple bites of salad or turkey, my stomach clamps down hard and starts hurting, like I'm not supposed to eat. I know it may sound like a great way to lose weight, but believe me, it's really miserable-making. Already, before this cookie game thing, I've been having trouble getting enough calories into myself. I rarely eat as much as 1000 calories a day, and I can tell that it's slowing my weight loss down, because I've been colder than usual and really lethargic and my stomach hurts a lot. That's been going on ever since my friend Robine cut off communication with me on January 29th.

The last two days...I've hardly been able to eat anything at all. I kind of tricked myself into eating some cheese sticks in the car on the way to the post office and back. But salad and sliced turkey, with some kind of fish about once a week, are the mainstays of my diet, and I'm having a heck of a time getting my stomach to accept them. This has never happened to me before, so I don't know how to deal with it. I've always been a binge-after-binge-after-binge kind of person. I've never had problems with restricting. I guess I need to find a book about it or something, but my brain is very fuzzy from being in semi-starvation mode.

Sorry to go on so much about myself, but I needed to talk about it and bring it out into the open, so it would be less scary. I'll let y'all know how things go. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe tomorrow I can talk Bob into making an omelet for me: I'm sure I could eat an omelet.
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Current mini-goal: Get down to 260
Pounds to go: 15


Mini-goal 1: 30 days binge-free > done 12/21/13 & binge-free now
Mini-goal 2: Get down to 280 > done 5/22/14
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