I couldn't bare show my face
I get this way all the time after have a binge. I can't go anywhere for fear that someone "knows" I get embarassed stopping at the gas station where I often have "picked up supplies" and think to myself that the cashier knows. Everyone that sees me there has to know, I always come alone, I'm always in a rush, and the only time I go in the store is to buy garbage. I can't bear to see my husband, thinking that its as plain to him that I binge as standing naked in front of him. He never ever says anything about my regaining weight but he has to wonder how. I mean if you don't see someone eat much of anything you would wonder how they put 30 lbs on? Right?
But now I think i am projecting my insecurities on to him
Oh yes, I agree. Things are a little bit different now that I have gained some of my weight back. I have noticed that he pays attention and is always pulling the blanket up around me so I am covered..this is something he hasn't done since I was over 200lbs. I was less self conscious this time last year when I was at my lowest, before the binge eating began again. I was 147 lbs. We showered for the first time together-ever, I wasn't always concerned about being covered, and for the first time since we have been together I would occasionally get up and walk into the restroom in my underwear. Never ever before, and never ever again. I now have everything "under lock and key" I am terrified he will walk in at any time. I notice he has begun the habit over covering me up and I know its because I also project my insecurities and he notices. Earlier this week he came bounding in excited over something he had picked up at an auction. He was jumping all around and then ran over to me and put his hands on my waist then rubbed his hands up an down over and over..I flinched and pulled a way alittle, embarrassed at the love handles that now hang over my pants again. I had started wearing shirts that were a little less snug so it wasn't noticeable, but him touching me I couldn't hide the fat.
[QUOTE]We aren't 'lights off' people, or even 'wear pajamas often' type people, so staying hidden means a change in routine, or covering up would invite more questions that I'm just not ready to answer. And don't even start me with paranoia around 'being on top' (sorry :$)[QUOTE]
Oh geesh-I get the paranoia. I was comfortable smaller-now I am back to the train of thought that laying down gravity is my friend lol, everything smooths out.
Ok today is Feb 26th. I am now on day 37 binge free. I don't know how, still. But, I am not questioning myself. I do think about being binge free, it may be putting that pressure in my head, setting me up to fail, to binge again? But, I found myself the other day saying as I drove that it had been over a month since I hid food, ran to the gas station, or had to lie about my eating. I haven't lost weight, still. I think my body is defiantly confused.
I was concerned about possibly binge eating yesterday when I had a salty addition to my lunch yesterday=salted plantain chips. They are sinfully good. I used to open a bag, eat a few, go back for more, finish that bag, then say heck with it and eat three bags in one sitting. Yesterday, I was able to eat a small dish full with yogurt dip...then put them away and I never once thought about moving on to something else to eat, to look for something..I was satisfied.
I don't know what is happening, I really don't. Its odd. I also have been eating fruit, berries. I used to sit down and eat the entire container of raspberries or strawberries. Yesterday, I grabbed a handful of raspberries, put the rest away. I ate them slowly. I didn't have the reaction I usually get with a lot of foods. I used to just think of a certain thing that I liked to binge on, and my mouth literally would water. I would get confused and flustered..couldn't stop thinking of that food til I ate it. None of that. I have been able to just say "that is enough, there will be some left for later if I want it" or I eat a small amount and then I can hear that newer voice in my head say, "ok, I'm full, or not really that hungry" and put it away. Has anyone else been thru this after awhile or not binge eating? I've never had it, even years ago when I was able to not binge eat for a couple years. I always thought of food then and wanted to binge, just didn't or I would over eat on Atkins friendly foods.
I haven't read anymore of the Brain over binge book. I keep meaning to, but with work, the kids, errands, house, etc. I haven't had time. Everyone owns a second or two of my day no matter what time it is. Again, I know that nothing in my real life has changed at all, its all the same, all the same stress, all the kids, the home, work, etc. but nothing is happening..I am not binge eating. For me after facing 25 years of this, incredible amounts of foods (5-10,000 calories at a time) it makes no sense.
I can't figure it out.