Don't worry about being messed up. You are just you. You've got more challenges than most people. And you've got different challenges than most people. Its just that you have to learn how to manage with them. At least you've got people around who can help you with that.
I get you when you say knowing how you are supposed to react and managing your reactions. I'm quite a bit the same at a certain point. But the thing is, with learning this stuff, so long as you can stay in touch with it, you do get gradually better at using it. and you also get better at avoiding the worst of your reactions. NOwadays my depression is so much different than how it used to be. I've matured quit a bit over the years since i first started therapy. Some of that is therapy and some of it is just ageing. But i have tried to apply myself to personal growth since i started therapy. I only took up with mindfulness about 3 years ago. And i find it really frustrating that there are no support groups for depression or mindfulness practitioners around. The mental health crowd and government doesn't want to spend the money on that sort of thing. I think it would save the government lots of money and save us in the public a lot of suffering . But there you are.
Well if you know you drink 1-2 glasses of wine per day then you have to factor that into your calorie allowance. Drinking and smoking go hand in hand too so i think its going to be pretty tricky to quit but its good of you to try. When you've had a glass or two, your defences are down. You may start to find it hard not to have a smoke.
But if you can keep focused on your health, then it may help you since you know these things are harming your physical health as well not really helping your mental health either.
Anyway keep talking to us.
ARe you keeping a diary? A food diary? A quit smoking, get fit diary? I always keep a food diary when i on a diet. It helps me focus.
In dracula which i've been reading lately, one of the women is a bad sleep walker like you. Sadly dracula got hold of her. You shouldn't read this book. It might give you nightmares. I loved the first part but it got a bit boring later on and i didn't finish it.