From Hippo to Hot!
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado, US
Wow, what a roller coaster weekend. Friday I had a wonderful Valentine's Day once I managed to get to my boyfriends. It snowed like crazy and the Tokyo train network was seriously effed over. I've heard reports that there's been a train stranded in the middle of no where for days, that the rescue train broke down on its way and that people have frozen to death =(. But of course this isn't reported on Japanese news, because that would reflect badly on Japan! *sigh* I went to my boyfriends with my co-worker who lives in the same direction, so I at least had some company for the 2 hours it took to get there. The last train was so packed...I couldn't believe the nerve of some people! Just pushing themselves on an already packed train and causing so much discomfort. But hey, that's city life I suppose.
I went to sushi with the bf and then we went back to his place and watched silly videos. It was actually a really nice Valentine's Day! I had a few drinks, so I was feeling nicely merry! Saturday well...I don't know what happened. We were having a nice day and then all of a sudden I get this mood swing. But not just any old mood swing...a pretty horrendous turn in mood. Before I knew it I was saying that I didn't know if I could be with my bf anymore. Part of it was because I was still holding on to some resentment that I felt he didn't make himself truly there for me when I was fired, but other small things like the fact he tends to get short with me if I have moments of feeling self conscious about my looks/body. It was intense. I literally had packed my bag and was going to walk out, but then I knew I could never leave him! What was I doing?! It was crazy.
Things settled down, we resolved our issues and then it was on to Sunday. Again, the day was nice, we were relaxing having a nice time. I use my iPod Touch to browse the internet and mine was charging so he let me borrow his. That's when I made THE biggest mistake of my life. I went on his facebook and I read a message thread with one of his closest friends. I honestly don't know what made me do it, a part of me was terrified that my sudden outburst the day before had affected things. But it was just...unacceptable.
What I read though...terrified me. He had said a while ago around when I was worried I was going to lose the job that he was thinking "what else is out there" for him. He said something else like "wanting what he can't have" and "being solitary"...it was kind of a blur so I don't remember exactly how it all pieced together. My heart was pounding. I had made such a huge mistake yet here I was, reading about how he was considering leaving me to see what else life had to offer.
I wanted to hide my betrayal, to just pretend like I didn't see it, but I couldn't hide how upset I was to have read that. We've known each other 12 years, we've been together coming onto 5 years, I've been his first for everything...this was my worst fear and I felt like it was coming true. So eventually after a lot of shaking, crying I confessed what I did. At first he told me to get out of his apartment. But I couldn't move, I stayed where I was. I said that I don't know why I did it, that I didn't think he was cheating on me or anything, but I was just worried about what he might have thought about me. I thought that this was the end of our relationship, he had said in conversation with friends that he would end a relationship if his privacy was being invaded. And I did that. Me. So...I was terrified.
To sum it up, he forgave me. He could see it in my face and my body language that I was devastated that I betrayed his trust, he accepted the promise I made that I would never do it ever again. He said that if I did do it again then he would leave me, because he can't be with someone he can't trust. I understood and said it wouldn't happen, that he can trust me and I have no idea what came over me.
As for the comment he made, he said that he was just talking bullcr@p out loud to his friend. That when I called him and warned him that I might lose my job, that I might have to move in with him, he panicked. He didn't know WHY he panicked and he was exploring the feeling out loud to his friend. He said that he had apologised to his friend later on (who had told him that he should be talking to ME about this stuff) and said that he was just thinking crazy things and that he didn't really mean it. He said that sometimes his mind does wander, but he loves me and he wants to spend his life with me so those thoughts don't really stick around for long. He added that if he did have those thoughts in a serious way then I would know about it, but what he says to his friends isn't necessarily going to be all serious.
It scared me...I was very upset that the thought had even been in his head...but I suppose sometimes even I, an extremely loyal and dedicated girlfriend to him, have wondered what would my life be if we weren't together. But I had never sat down and told a friend those thoughts because I knew they were fleeting, so I was terrified that he was being serious. I accepted his reasoning for saying what he said and we are trying to move on. Unfortunately at times I am with a very independent, solitary person. It makes things difficult because where I would get excited at the idea of moving in together he would feel reservation.
I get the impression he's still very much p!ssed off at me. He's not been avoiding me or giving me the cold shoulder, but I can just tell something is off. But he has a right to be annoyed, I did something terrible. I was so shocked that he forgave me if I'm honest. He said to me "I love you, even if you cheated I might have second thoughts about leaving you." When I was going to walk on on the Saturday night he was a wreck, begging me not to go and that he needs me. So if he really didn't want to lose me then he would say/do those things is the way I'm thinking.
I don't think this is something I would share with even my closest friends, because I truly am ashamed at the level of crazy I was over the weekend, but I just wanted to get it off my chest. So thanks for reading if you got this far!
So I'm back in my apartment and back to my busy life of preparing to move out. I think this morning I safely concluded that I will put my challenge on hold until the move is over, because man, I am just way too stressed to focus on my health! I know that's AWFUL, it's a lifestyle yadda yadda, but I'm getting rid of my fridge Wednesday so I can't store food and I will probably eat a ready meal because I need to pack.
I will still post in the forum and I'm about to scoot away and update the spreadsheet!
Park - If you are gyming it up and being serious then I wouldn't recommend Insanity. You will definitely injure yourself/not give your muscles the time they need to recover if you are hitting up both! But I'm so glad you've found a gym that motivates you, not demotivates! So often I hear of people joining the gym and then not going, but sounds like there are some great incentives!
Dott - Thanks for the website, I'll check it out! How was your performance?! How was your Valentine's Day, and did he like his mini zen garden? That's such a cool gift! Argh, don't you hate it when the scale teases you like that?! But you're doing awesome!!
Silver - The one thing that has been hammered into my head is that your knees cannot go over the point of your toes. If you're leaning your knees over your toes then you're going to have a bad time! you have to keep your lower legs above your ankle and really SIT into the squat. Don't just drop down, you've gotta stick your bum BACK. Like you're about to sit on a chair. My advice would be look in the mirror! Get up a picture or a video of someone doing a correct squat and match your body. It's a big laughing point that gyms are full of mirrors in the weight section, but seeing your form is important! Good luck =)