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Old 01-23-2014, 04:42 PM   #63
mainecyn
Battling Binge Eating
 
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 301

S/C/G: 228/179/150

Height: 5'5 1/2

Post Ramblings

I just spent an hour writing a post to a different thread about binge eating. A member posted something about her own personal views towards what she described as binge eating. I wrote over and over, poured my heart out, and in the very end I couldn't hit the post button. She relates binge eating to a habit in her case and a few other things that caused others to post and disagree with her opinion. She also mentioned that binge eating is due to restricting food or dieting and that you don't see skinny people suffering from it (binging). I totally didn't agree with what she said.

I know things are different for everyone, but I believe she was over generalizing binge eating, which has multiple causes and symptoms. I wanted to ask her just what were her "binge" experiences, how long did she "have it", what were the amounts of binge foods, etc. For me personally I feel the term binge eating is thrown around to often and used to describe those that may occasionally sit at the tv and eat a container of Oreos and pint of ben and jerry's once in a while.

The true disorder encompasses so many different mental and physical issues that her explanation just doesn't mesh with me. I wanted to tell her so many things, or post my own thoughts, but couldn't after 3 attempts. I suffer from this eating disorder every single day. I have normal willpower and emotions, but then there is another side of me, when I have an episode and binge it is totally different. I wondered, but didn't ask, if she suffered from the binge eating cycle with all the emotional issues that come with it, and the hiding of food etc. It just didn't seem like she did. Who am I to judge? Maybe she just has found the magic answer and suddenly is cured, but it seems so unlikely to me as this eating disorder has been with me my entire life.

The idea that someone can just suddenly decide they are no longer a binge eater and figure out the one problem? It has so many multiple problems it just doesn't seem possible. For me my binge eating disorder is a mental or physical problem like depression. I feel it is a chemical imbalance that is triggered or acts up..somehow and for some reason that area of my brain that controls the eating response becomes over stimulated and I binge. Like the chemical imbalance in depression, to much or too little of one chemical in the brain can change everything.

I was on amino acid therapy a year ago, after reading promising results using them to treat binge eating..the articles and the dr said that binge eating is often associated with to little of certain brain chemicals and the response is the binge. They worked for a couple months and then it got to where I had to keep increasing the amounts I was taking to help keep the sharpness of that need to binge off. It didn't totally take all the urge away but the need to binge became a tiny voice in the back of my mind compared to a barreling train screaming thru my head and causing physical reactions of sweating, increased heart rate, etc. I keep thinking that maybe I will begin the therapy again after taking time off from it, hoping for results again. I just don't know. I cant explain my binge eating or give it just one source. There are multiple factors that combine to tip the scale in the favor of a binge. I feel that the chemical imbalance I have makes me prone to the binge behavior and then you add in other day to day factors, stress, emotions, anything like that, and my body kicks that binge reaction into gear-binging is a physical response for me due to mental and physical stimuli (real or imagined such as a real insult and stress or the imagined insult I sometimes feel due to low self esteem when someone looks at you and you think they are judging you saying you are not good enough etc..that triggers a response from me).

I am of the belief that eating disorders vary from person to person. There are some people that seem to genuinely begin something like anorexic or bulimia or attempt to and "cant" and then there are those who dont try to be that way and they are anyway..sort of the same thing in people who drink. There are people who can drink and they don't become addicted to it. I only use this as an example because I do remember in high school a couple of friends trying to lose weight by "becoming bulimic" and they didn't have all the other factors that cause the eating disorder..I can remember them in the bathroom trying to thru up their lunch and hearing them saying well thats just gross I can' t do this each time I want to eat-they had no emotional issues tied to the disorder or physical "need" to act out the cycle or binge and purge that a bulimic knows.

I never tried to become a binge eater, don't remember my first binge because it seems like such a part of me and there never was any real choice or decision made on my part. I had just as much choice in suffering from binge eating disorder as I did being born with green eyes..it just happened and its part of my makeup. For whatever reason, the action to binge is part of me. It is as much a disease as asthma, depression, etc. I'm not saying it is the same thing, I am just saying you can not chose being born with any of those either. There may be some people who some how, some where, are able to say I am going to "binge" on Friday night and eat a pizza, ice cream, and everything else I want, then be good all week..to me that signals more of an over eating kind of thing that we all might do on occasion. Heck, I am able to feel three different things towards food, there is the normal eating behavior that i have, an occasional over eating, and then there is the binge that I can't make a choice in it occurring (the feeling or need to binge)..its like an attack and I feel like I will die, like I'm obsessed, a true addictive behavior and actions, unless I follow thru.

I don't know, maybe I am just different. But, does anyone else have these experiences? I mean there are times when I can have a normal relationship with food-go to a restaurant or family gathering, not even want to eat or just eat what would be a normal amount and stop because I am full. I don't have that binge feeling with me. The binge isn't about being hungry, I've felt hungry too and I just eat a normal amount til I'm full, then there is the binge action that happens and I'm not hungry, I don't taste the food, and its not about enjoying the food I am eating-the food is just a way to deliver the high or a tool that I use during the binge storm. Eventually, after enough of the food is consumed the physical feeling stops. I don't feel full psychically even though I've often consumed 20,000 + calories, I just feel flat and indifferent towards the food. I could still go on to eat a normal meal later after eating enough for 5 people-and I often eat dinner an hour or so after a full out binge. Its a mystery and I don't know how my stomach doesn't just burst.

I am hanging on today, went into work just before 6 to start training. I can't begin to explain how much I disliked getting up at 4:05, instead of 4:45 which I had thought was bad enough. I will do it, and learn what I need to learn, but I dont' see me getting much gratification out of this job that I am learning since its not a job I really want. But, I will try to learn as much as I can, and do the job well. It is a lot more work that I have never done before and there will be the added stress of dealing with tons of parents on the phone, running the office and people at work..I worry that changes wont be good for me and that I might eventually have food issues when I have a bad day or get stressed, guess we will wait and see. I hope it has at least once bonus for me in the fact that I might walk away with a little more self esteem, feel a sense of self worth, learning something I thought I'd be no good at and not able to do? Maybe, it might be good for me? I'm trying not to be negative. One plus, my husband called and left me a voicemail this morning telling me he loves me, proud of me, knows I will do a good job, and missed me this morning because I was at work before he even woke up this morning. It means a lot to hear him be confident, and also great to hear his voice saying "I love you". He wants to hear all about my day when I get home tonight.

I did make an appointment to have my hair cut about 4 weeks ago..its tonight at 4:30 after work. I can tell that emotionally I am not as confident, not as sure of myself after gaining back these 12 lbs. I was upbeat, happy, and liked how I was feeling and looking last time I made that appointment..this time I am having the anxious feelings I often get going into public, the feeling of being judged, not fitting in, being surrounded by those perfect women at the salon and just not being able to handle it. Well, it could be worse right, I will remind myself that at least you don't have to be naked in public to get a hair cut its not like anyone can really see what I look like under my clothes-right. lol. I just often get that feeling emotionally of being judged of others seeing me and knowing I'm "fake" that I am not as good as they are, that I am fat, that I binge and can't control myself which is why I'm heavier than when I was there last time, and I always have that feeling of being stared at-all my life and that voice in my head tearing me apart with things like those ladies are thinking about how ugly you are, you can't do your hair, your nose is to big, and if they were you they wouldn't come in here, you don't belong here. Oh, the joy. right>
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