I recently went out with someone on 3 dates. We don't have much in common and I really don't see it going anywhere. I don't feel any "chemistry" or attraction but am pretty sure he does.
I, obviously, don't want to hurt his feelings and would never do it over texting or email. What should I say to him over the phone?
He has already asked to make plans for a 4th date. I told him I wasn't sure of my schedule and would let him know.
Tell him that you have really enjoyed his company but it feels like a friend relationship to you and you don't want to mislead him into thinking it's more so you think it's best if you don't continue dating but just hang out as friends if that's possible. Either he'll say that's possible (although it may not be and it's unlikely you will indeed hang out unless you share friends and end up getting together in a group) or he'll say it's best to just say goodbye. If he presses you for another date to give it another shot, just say no, that you know how you feel.
I completely agree that honesty is the best policy! Also, it is good to let him know how you feel now instead of 'leading him on.' I have made that mistake before, ugh! I am on a few online dating sites and I email the guy up front that I'm not interested if that is the case, it's better to be candid with someone.
If he likes you and you don't like him, I don't know if suggesting being friends would be the right approach. I would just say something like "you're great, but I don't feel a spark" and go your separate ways.
I've told guys in the past something like "Hey, I met someone else and it's getting serious." Most have wished me the best. Of course this only works if he knew you were open to dating other guys between your 3 dates! For me it did because I was doing my dating through Match.com so everyone is meeting multiple people all the time
I understand, it's a difficult situation. But sometimes people are too nice when breaking up and leave a lot of room for misinterpretation.
If you say:
"Let's just be friends." he hears "she still wants to hang out and maybe I can convince her to like me down the line." Then you get roped into a semi relationship. You have to make it clear that you don't feel any romantic connection and that you fear that hanging out as friends will give him false hope.
If I may, one thing I've learned in my many years of two different marriages is that guys are not girls. Don't worry about letting him down gently so much as being clear and direct. If you're too nice it gives them unrealistic hope that you're just afraid of commitment or something. There was a good episode of Sex in the City when Miranda heard the "He's just not that into you" phrase. Seriously. You tell him over the phone: "Joe, you know you're a nice guy and I've had fun but I'm not feeling a spark, don't take it personally." Move on, don't think twice. Trying to stay friends with a guy who has the hots for you when you feel nothing rarely works and has a potential for ugly.
It seems to be the consensus that three dates does not require an in-person discussion (unless you've had sex). So when he asks for another date, whether in text or over the phone, go ahead and tell him exactly what ReNew Me said. Or what Underwater said. He just needs to get the message that you're no longer interested in a dating relationship. That's the kind thing to do.
If he likes you and you don't like him, I don't know if suggesting being friends would be the right approach. I would just say something like "you're great, but I don't feel a spark" and go your separate ways.
I tend to disagree with this. Let him decide if he'd like to be friends - of course, assuming you would be okay with it yourself.
My FB friends list currently includes 8 previous dates. Used to be 9 but the 9th guy ended up rushing into a marriage with a very insecure girl who seemed to think I was a threat despite my "happily taken" status...
I'd offer to remain friends afterward, whether I was the dumped or the dumpee, and the ones who ran away always struck me as the silliest. The only guys I outright cut had issues.
Anyways, I don't think you need to do it in person. I think that makes it a little more uncomfortable because you're not even in a relationship and you're kind of cutting him off at the knees (don't mean that in a bad way!)
Dating Advice Needed!
