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Old 11-18-2013, 01:10 PM   #1
withouthope
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1

Unhappy Not sure what to do anymore?

*I'm apologizing in advance for this long winded, rambling post. I hope at least one person will read and listen*

Hi there. I'm new here. I found this site through a google search and I've been skimming through this thread. Everyone seemed so supportive so I decided to register. I'm female, 22 years old, 5 foot 6 and a half inches, 190 pounds and miserable. As you can see from the title of this thread, I'm not quite sure what to do anymore. Back in 2009 I left school due to an anxiety disorder which caused me to lose all of my friends. I became depressed and turned to food. In March 2010 my Mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness, which made me even more addicted to food. By December 2010 I had ballooned to 212 pounds. My highest ever weight. This was a huge embarrassment as I'd always been very slim and active. Gaining so much weight made me hide away from the world. I stopped going out. I decided to not go back to school. I avoided the one friend I had left. I was ready to end it all. I didn't as I didn't have the courage to. Fast forward to Fall 2011 and I was down to 182 pounds. This was from cutting out junk food completely because my family couldn't afford it. We could barely afford to put food on the table at this point (maybe a blessing in disguise?). I was feeling better about myself but for some reason as soon as my family were in a better financial position, I started binging again.

Here I am 2 years later back up to 190 pounds and I'm more depressed than ever. I don't want to be this person any more. I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted. I hate myself. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for not being able to force myself to exercise or eat healthy. I just can't do it. I want to be fit and healthy again. I want to have an education and a career and a life. I don't want to waste the next 5 years sitting on my ***, stuffing my face. WHY isn't this enough motivation to get me moving? I just don't understand. It's simple, eat less, move more and you lose weight. So why can't I do this? Any time I see I've gone down a few pounds, I seem to get lazy and start eating junk again. I feel like I'm sabotaging every chance at having a normal and happy life. I'm at my wits end here. I want to lose this extra weight once and for all but I don't see how that's possible when I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole with no one there to pull me out. Please help me.
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