Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyFaith
I've always said things to myself like, "Oh, I'll do that once I'm skinny.."
Things like going places, going on vacation, or going to the beach.
I feel like since I'm not one of the pretty thin girls.. that I won't have a good time or enjoy things.
Does anyone else feel this way?
There's always a voice in the back of my head saying,
"Someone might make fun of you... You're just too big to do that."
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I could have posted this. Sweetie I put my entire life on hold when I was 228 lbs. I told myself that if I was just smaller, thinner, felt more confident about myself i would do things.
I haven't swam in 25 years, and it isn't gonna happen. I told myself I didn't do it because I was too fat for a swimsuit. Here I am at age 40, smaller than I have ever been since highschool, and I wont swim. Not so much because I feel so fat, but because now I have a saggy butt, saggy grandma arms, and cellulite in my upper thighs.
I spent my children's childhood behind the camera, taking a million pictures of them. Always volunteering to take the pic because I couldn't stand being in front of the camera. I have only one picture of me with one of my children at birth, and that was in the operating room. I tore up another pic because I hated the way I looked. I have birthday pics, holiday pics, tons of pictures. But, after looking at those pics on the computer and in the scrap book, I edited myself out of my children's life for the first 10 years because I was FAT. I have a dozen of pictures from my wedding, all the same picture cropped at different degrees. I chose it because i had a nice smile, my face didn't look as fat, and I could crop it chest up and it look ok. If I had been thinner and lost the weight before we married like I had wanted to I would have had a pretty dress, tons of happy smiling pictures.
I didn't want to see myself in those pictures. I was embarrassed. I always said well when I get smaller I will take a million pics. Well, I have missed capturing so many moments on film because of embarrassment of myself. I have pictures of my children with their grandparents, and my x, but none of me.
I told myself that when I was no longer fat I would have an entire new wardrobe because I couldn't stand to spend money on clothes that I used to hide myself. I spent 10 years with one pair of jeans and in boxy terrible shirts.
I told myself that when I was thin I would have tons of self confidence and make relationships and friends easy. I would take up some kind of activity that I had always wanted to do. Here I am over 50 lbs thinner and I still haven't done anything because I have no confidence to try anything new. I should have been working on that confidence before I got thin. As for friends, I don't have any real friends, just a few co-workers I speak with at work. I never did get thin enough to not feel self conscious about going out and doing things with other people afraid of looking stupid.
When I was thin I was going to apply for that job I wanted, that job that I watched others apply for and I knew I could do the work and do a better job..I was to embarrassed to dress up in clothes that would draw attention to me in my 200+ lb body. I watched someone else, even larger than I was, apply for that job I wanted and she got it. She is still in that job today and has tons of self confidence. A job like that would have helped me appreciate myself and gain self confidence, but I felt to self conscious and fat to work around all those pretty girls in the office.
I told myself that when I was thin I would love myself, be proud of myself, never put myself down..I can't stand to look at myself, I'm my own worst enemy. I still don't like myself, accept myself, or appreciate me.
I told myself that when my kids were grown and I lost the weight I might find love again, be happy, have a life, open up and care about someone, be desired by a man and have one that loves me completely and totally. Luckily for me my future husband didn't wait until I was thin. He courted me when I was at my heaviest. If I had stayed true to my list I would have missed out on the love of my life, the man that sees me for me and loves me. Loves me even in spite of me trying to convince him that he shouldn't.
I was so busy waiting to be thin, waiting to be happy, waiting to be valued, loved, and confident, that I have missed most of my life. I missed those special moments, those events that help build confidence and make memories. I edited myself out of my own life and just went thru the motions. I never got out from beyond the shadows.
As I type this it all sounds so easy to me, just get out there and have a life. Yet, now that I am thinner I just can't. Now I worry that maybe I am not small enough to be considered normal, or that someone will stare at me and think what is she doing? I am still not one of those pretty girls, thin or not I look at them and think what it would be like. How can life be so unfair? I don't see happy, thin, pretty, and popular, when I look in the mirror. I see enlarged pores, a nose that is too large on my face..thanks to someone pointing it out a couple years ago. I had thought it was my best feature, loved my profile. I turn bright red, sweat, heart races a mile a min. when I have to be around those pretty people. I hear people saying Look at her, shes too old, she too..anything. I've wasted so much time and I am still wasting time. Yet, I was this way fat, and I'm this way thinner.
to you. I know that it is so much easier for everyone to give advice, tell you to do things and have confidence etc. but I am telling you as someone whos in the same situation, I know what I know but I still can't do the things I want to do. I wish I had taken control of my life years ago.
Here's to you, the gorgeous, smart, and fun you, swimming at that beach in your lovely swimsuit making memories that will last a life time.
"Once I'm Skinny..."
