I can definitely relate to you as well. That has pretty much been the story of my life, lose some and gain fear around sexual abuse, then gain weight back. I was molested from 2.5yrs old til 6.5yrs old. Shortly before my 5th birthday was when I really started to sneak food and binge. I quickly started packing on the lbs year after year after year. Until 08 I would lose some then gain it back... but it all changed when I was told the reason I was unable to conceive was because of my size, and that the only way for me to get pregnant was to lower my bmi. So I did, with only the thoughts of mommyhood in my mind. I went over bored and really restricted myself. I lost 135lbs in 11 months before I conceived my first. Then quickly gained it all back over the course of two pregnancys. So here I am again. Lost in this cycle. With what feels like no way out of it.
I'm going about it differently this time. I'm concentrating on going slow and wanting to be healthy for my children. This time I'm also trying to concentrate on changing my over eating/binging behaviors. I don't just want to get smaller this time, I want to feel better inside my own head. Like tefrey said, exercise... it's helped me to start to feel stronger, like I could take someone if I had to. Kick boxing it a lot of fun. Its very empowering