Both of my parents were recovering addicts and so eating became their replacement behavior. I suppose their role modeling was one of the factors that led to my issues with food. They were both overweight and had very traumatic childhoods which left them pretty much unable to parent effectively, so they were not able to meet my emotional/developmental needs. They also had very poor mental health do to the fact that they never sought professional treatment to deal with the horrible abuse they suffered as children, so their methods of discipline were abusive and shame based. Needless to say my childhood was not a happy time and food became my comfort. I began overeating as a child and around puberty I started to think that if a little extra food was comforting then the more food I ate the better I would feel, so that is when the binging started. What I didn't know was that I had very low self and was experiencing a lot of difficulties with anxiety which later led to some difficulties with depression about the patterns of binging and punishing myself. It was a vicious cycle thought my teenage years. And I also didn't realize that all of this stemmed from a lack of parental support, love and abuse. Actually my parents were the needy ones and the parental roles became reversed which I meant I became the one taking care of my parents at a young age. Through it all I always had food. It was a love hate relationship though, and I spent most of my life deeply ashamed of my past and my eating issues.
Working with a wonderful therapist and through my faith I have been able to find healing and begin to grow as a person. It took a lot of work but I have learned to love and value myself even though my parents never really could. And I also learned a lot about emotional regulation, how to keep myself grounded and coping methods to help comfort myself when I am experiencing difficult feelings or anxiety. All things I should have learned as a child but my life just didn't work out that way. I accept that now and have learned what self acceptance truly means. All of these tools have helped me to take control of my life and finally really believe that recovery from ED is possible for me.
Hopefully I did not over disclose. It just felt right to share my story here.