Conflicting Body-Image Issues
So I have kind of a weird problem, and I'm curious if anyone else is or has previously experienced something similar.
I have a lot of body image issues regarding my weight (among other things), but they sort of conflict with each other. For example, if I look in a mirror naked or in a bathing suit, I am literally disgusted with how I look. Same goes for pictures of myself. But at the same time, I have a tendency to not realize just how big I've gotten. So take a fundraiser I attended last winter: I bought a dress online, and when it came it was shorter than I expected. But I tried it on with a pair of heels and thought, This looks pretty good! But when I saw pictures from the night, I looked like a gorilla stomping around in high heels and a short red dress. I looked ridiculous.
I used to be really fit. I played sports in high school and part of college, and just generally loved working out. And I think in my mind, I convince myself that I'm much smaller than I am which leads me to make poor choices in clothing...and when I realize how bad I looked, it makes me hate myself.
I have no idea if this makes any sense, but I think this distorted view of how much weight I need to lose is contributing to my inconsistency with working out and eating right. And I worry sometimes that even if I reach my goal weight, I'm still going to alternate between thinking that I look disgusting and dressing in too-tight, unflattering clothes because I think I look better than I do.
As an aside, I'm turning 30 in a month and a half, and sometimes I think I'm having a hard time dressing my age as well. I had my son when I was 22, and occasionally I find myself buying clothes that are way too young for me (and too small) in the hopes that it will motivate me to be able to fit into them...only to look ridiculous for a number of reasons once I stuff myself into them.