My Hubby is a smart, educated professional in his fifties but he is a lazy slob and I am really tired of it. Every time he eats, he leaves food on his face. I have to constantly remind him to use a napkin. He also leaves food lodged in his teeth after every meal, and I have to tell him to take care of that too.
He has a big gut and has a hard time finding pants to fit, so he is constantly pulling his pants up. Sometimes he forgets to zip up, and I have to remind him.
He never cleans up after himself, so he leaves dirty dishes and dirty laundry everywhere. He always spills food on the floor. He never does any work around the house and he leaves piles of his crap all over the house (clothes, papers, art projects).
I have tried talking politely to him. I have tried yelling at him. I have gone on strike and refused to do any work until things pile up so much that the place becomes unlivable. He will then make a small attempt to do a few things and then stops. He refuses to change and gets very defensive when I say anything. I feel like I am living with a teenager instead of an adult.
If you have any ideas on how to fix this please let me know. I am interested to hear about other slobs so let's trade slob stories! Maybe if I hear about worse slobs, my hubby won't seem as bad.
I know this isn't a big deal compared to other problems people face but after many years, I am just tired of being his maid and his mommy.
Last edited by doingmybest; 09-16-2013 at 04:27 AM.
I sympathize with you, how awful it is to live with a slob isn't it? I find myself getting more neurotic about cleanliness as I get older. And I hate nagging (that's what he calls it), but I haven't given up yet. We've only been married for a few years but I can imagine that in 20yrs this stuff will possibly make me very resentful of him. It's extremely selfish to not clean up after yourself when you live with someone. If you're living on your own and you want to live in a pigsty that's fine, but you have an obligations to other humans to clean up after yourself, am I wrong? Here are the things my husband does that drive me up the walls.
- leaves shoes laying around right in front of the door.
- never clears his dishes or puts them in the sink, they are laying around the kitchen and living room in piles.
- doesn't understand that the refrigerator is supposed to be organized. Vegetables go in the drawers, cheese and cold cuts have their own drawer, raw meats go on the bottom shelf, butter goes in the cubby, etc. When he goes shopping he'll place a the ground meat right on top of the apples....
- never cleans up bread crumbs, he eats a loaf of bread per day and cuts it right on top of my counter, bread crumbs everywhere.
- I find old coffee cups everywhere, I mean everywhere.
- His feet suffer from sudden panic attacks in which he believes that his socks are trying to suffocate him and have to be removed immediately. He cannot go into the bedroom and deposit these socks in the laundry bin. They have to be removed and deposited anywhere he is at the time, on the couch, on the bed, in the hallway, in the bathroom. I run into them daily and call them his little sock poopies.
- He's a paper hoarder. His nightstand is overflowing with little tiny bits of papers, receipts, tools, mail etc. I have tried getting him little bits, organizers, boxes, folders, anything I can think of to help him organize his papers but he refuses all of it. Walking by his nightstand is dangerous, when I pass by the little bits of paper go flying around.
- He's a bathroom sink hoarder. We only have one bathroom sink that we have to share but I try to keep my things away from it. I'm not sure what he does there but even a short visit to the sink makes toothpaste fly around, water is everywhere, shavings, etc. He insists on having a bar of soap which I find disgusting because anything you place it on, even those cute little soap holders gets soap scum built up on it. Of course he doesn't clean so guess who gets to.
- This one is really irritating... he leaves things on our bed. Work bag, sock poopies, dirty clothes, if he's shopped for something he'll leave bags of tools on it, mail, anything. I have explained time and time again that my bed is my sanctuary. I don't want money on it, clothes, I won't even sit on my bed unless I'm in my jammies. I want it to be clean, comfy, and a place for me to rest which I cannot if it is used as a table top.
- toilet paper tubes - I know that the wastebasket is a full 6feet away from the toilet but I find a way to get the old paper toilet tube from the toilet to the wastebasket without expending too much energy. Sadly he does not, so they are scattered around the toilet.
I could go on but here's the worst one. When we first got married I was bit shocked about how he left the sink after he used it in the bathroom. I can't get past the water and shavings everywhere. So I asked him to wipe down the sink after he was done. He listened and did it, the sink was remarkably clean for a long while. One day I walk into the bathroom after he shaved and what did I see him do? I saw him reach for my face towel and wipe down the sink with it and then place it back. He wasn't doing it to be spiteful, he was just reaching for the nearest towel to wipe down the sink like I had asked him to. He doesn't do that anymore but I still hide my things away from the sink.
All I can say is that at your husband's age, do you really think he's going to change? I don't know. The solution I've come up with is that I need to hire a maid service. Somebody who can come in once a week, do the mopping, clean the bathrooms, do the whole vaccuming, all the deep cleaning stuff that is really hard to get to. That way I can focus my cleaning efforts on picking up after him since he kind of refuses to change. I can't quite afford it yet but this is my goal.
My hubby is a bit sloppy, but not so bad as you describe. He's bad about leaving half drank cans of Coke on the side tables, throws his plate in the sink without a rinse resulting in much scrubbing on my part to free the dried on food bits off, leaves whiskers all over the sink sometimes, and occasionally spits his toothpaste into the sink and forgets to rinse it (EWWWWW). Also, I don't know WHAT he does in the shower, but he uses this blue colored man soap, and I find that stuff everywhere, even on the ceiling. My husband also suffers from "sock poopies" WBS, haha. Worse yet he occasionally suffers "boxer poopies" and I will find them places like the pantry, the stairs, or next to the couch.
He doesn't like to brush his teeth before he eats he says... but he is literally always eating so he never brushes them except sometimes before bed. I can see the fuzz on them, then he wonders why I don't want his tongue in my mouth!
He uses the kitchen towel that I use to dry my clean hands to rub his dirty fingers off of when hes eating. I just had to stop putting out a towel in the kitchen.
He uses his ipad and phone when hes taking a dump. He'll wipe, decide hes not done and continue browsing.
And the bed thing here too
The list goes in but I don't want to keep working myself up. His habits have seriously made me consider divorce, I am aggravated on a daily basis. And like the previous poster wrote, I'm just nagging according to him.
He doesn't like to brush his teeth before he eats he says... but he is literally always eating so he never brushes them except sometimes before bed. I can see the fuzz on them, then he wonders why I don't want his tongue in my mouth!
Oy, that seriously made me gag a little. I feel really bad that you have to deal with that!
He's in his 50s and you've been living with this for years? Bad, bad decision on your part, you should have been all over this from day one. You made a huge mistake by not retraining him as soon as you got married.
Now you're kind of uh, screwed. Pick your battles, seriously. You might get him to change one or two behaviors, MAYBE, with a lot of work, but the older a person is the harder it is to get them to change and the simple fact that you've been tolerating this for any amount of time and the fact he obviously doesn't give a hoot does not bode well. His (subconscious) rationalization is that "well, she took care of it for all this time up to now, why should I change?"
The only way you might get some change in a few things is to hit him below the belt in whatever way you can. You have to find leverage and use it ruthlessly and consistently. Retraining a human being is like training a puppy. You can't let him get away with something one day and then hold his feet to the fire for the same thing the next. Every Single Day you have to be all over him until he starts doing the things on his own, without you reminding him. Or he leaves you because you've turned into an unbearable nag. Seriously, I'm talking that level of riding him. Basically you have to make his life a living **** and then positively reward good behavior.
Or you can try guilting him. Sobbing, crying, telling him he obviously doesn't care one iota about your feelings or he'd be trying to meet you in the middle a little, ask him if he wants you to leave. Make him feel like a completely selfish pig.
Speaking from personal experience, getting an older significant other to change a well established behavior is very, very, very difficult.
I enjoyed everyones posrs, because they say misery loves company!
Now, ReNewMe is right, you have to retrain them and the sooner the better. And like she said you have to be consistent w/ the consequences of their behavoir. I know it sounds a bit condescending to equate a slobby person to paper training a puppy, but it is what it is.
Hubby's family are dirty slobs, ther I said it. Me, I am a neat freak. Hubby tells me I'm like Danny Tanner lol. I just believe that a house should not be crawling with filth. And hubby was so used to a dirty family His sister literally has ants in the kitchen and bathroom and does nothing about it. Her dishwasher has been broken for years, the inside is DISGUSTING, grime, HAIRS, crumbs...they hand wash their dishes and put them in the dirty dishwasher to dry!
When I met hubby he was 17 and we moved in together when he was 18. I have been retraining him for almost 13 years. When we met he left dirty clothes on the floor, wet towels on the floors, dishes on the table, never cleaned, I mean never...never took out the trash, and sadly enough only showered to go to school or work..so if he had a week or two off, yup he went 1-2 weeks without showering!
13 years later + maturing (I believe you see the best progress if you can get them while they are setting their adult habits through their 20s) and me nagging the crap outta him, fighting and not backing down. And he's made some improvement.
Dirty clothes go in the hamper, except I do occassionally see a small pile forming on his side of the bed. Its mostly out of view, but I have found it while vaccuuming over there. He showers normally. Dishes get rinsed and put in the dishwashers, THOUGH if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, he will just let the dishes pile in the sink. He now wipes the counter after shaving, doing whatever. I keep a roll of papertowels in the bathroom, so he uses that. He throws laundry in, but still needs reminding at times. And despite destroying the kitchen all day, if I can stand to ignoring the disgusting mess (lunch made on top of breakfast mess, and dinner made on top of lunch mess) he will clean the kitchen right before he goes to bed. I prefer to keep up on the mess, he lets it go to **** all day and cleans it at night, I guess that's an improvement. The only time he'll do it earlier is if he's looking to have some bedroom time, so he'll get it done and out of the way.
The biggest leverage, unfortunately, was bedroom time. It was simple, I chose to do my cleaning at night, especially after we had kids. I put them to bed and clean, and told him point blank, that cleaning is needs to get done, and this is the noly time I can do it (even more so when I was working full time), so I didnt have time for sex. Well, that worked very well, still does. Also corrected the shower issue quickly.
He still does not do basic cleaning, like vaccumming, floors, the bathroom, the tub. Its the #1 thing we still fight over. When I was in my first trimester with this baby I was very sick. I had to go to the hospital to get fluids, I just could not keep anything down. I barely got out of bed let alone cleaned. I begged him for 3 months (started to feel better as I got into my 2nd trimester) to clean, begged him to vaccuum and clean the toilets. Nope. He did nothing.
Also which is so freaking nasty, is he never changes the bed sheets. NEVER. I have been sleeping down stairs with the baby since he was born, its just easier. I put a sheet down on our chase lounge and change it regularly like a bed. He has been in our bed without me since I had the baby, 7 weeks. He has been sleeping on the same sheet for 7 weeks...the baby spit up on our bed a few weeks ago, the spit up stain is still there...same sheet...gross!
I think part of it is men more often seem to be less cleanly than woman, but I think the big factor is being raised a slob. Like I said my DH's family are dirty people. I will say my mother is a dirty dirty slob, (and a mentally ill abuse alcoholic) but I have always strived to be nothing like her. My mother kept a dirty home and I swore my kids would not deal with the filth I did growing up (moldy tubs, molding dishes from sitting so long, sticky tables, sticky floors..etc)
Unfortunately its very hard to do it alone.
WBS I suggested last week to DH we get a maid. I'm really having trouble keeping up with everything. I litterally am only on here when I'm BFing the baby so I'm typing with one hand. Every minute I'm not doing something for the kids, I'm cleaning, and I can not keep up. We have 2 bathrooms, this is a 2 story house...and he got very mad and the thought of spending $ for a maid...yet doesn't help. I'm thinking I'm just going to hire one anyway. Just for stuff like the bathroom, vaccuumming, and floors.
I just love everyone's posts! I am grossed out and LMAO at the same time!
ReNew Me: you are so right! While I did try from the beginning to get him to clean up his act, I didn't try hard enough. My parents and his parents would constantly scream and yell (now I understand why), so I was more determined to not be a *****y, nagging wife. So . . . my bad on that. I am going to try some techniques you mentioned, but I am not expecting a lot.
I just don't get why people are such slobs. Is it normal for men to be like this? I don't know too many women who are this bad.
MauiKai for some reason that made me laugh so hard!
It is so gross. He wasn't like that when we were dating. Hygiene is a biggie for me, it would have been a deal breaker had I known.
Seriously, bad dental hygiene is a huge thing for me. I once dated a guy who said to me, very nonchalantly, that he rarely brushes his teeth. After I threw up in my mouth a little I left the date and relationship right there.
I can handle a lot of bad behaviors. Not brushing your teeth is not one of them. Also deal breakers: Greasy and/or unbrushed hair (Once in awhile, no biggie, all the time, problem), poor shower habits, food left in facial hair, and two words: ear wax.
my DH is really good about cleaning up things especially if I ask him to....last week I came home from late evening work meetings and the whole living room/kitchen were cleaned and he had pizza saved for me from dinner
there are a few minor things that I deal with, like everyone leaving rolled-up socks all over the place....I HATE unrolling dirty, stinky socks just to put them in the washer....so I only wash socks that are unrolled and ready to be washed....the others wait in a little pile for whoever wants to unroll them and put them in the wash...and DH's desk is a mess all the time....however mine isn't exactly spotless either....
but that's about it...we both work full time and it's easier for me to do the bulk of the house cleaning....I get it done quickly and efficiently and I have the energy to do it and a work schedule that lets me get it done
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
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Wow. I'm sorry ladies.
When my husband and I moved in together we had to have several "come to Jesus" meetings (early training as others have said) about what I called the "Larry Trail". Coats, shoes, clothes, tools and paperwork left laying where he got done with it. On the floor, stairs, newel post, door knobs, various pieces of furniture, paperwork in the laundry room, clothes on the desk, tools on the floor.
We still have a few issues with coats and tools, now it's my shoes overflowing (because I have way more shoes) but the rest is much better. He still doesn't clean up the kitchen as well as I'd like. How does he not see crumbs and splatters? And the shower, I call him the PHD (pubic hair distributor). He's not very hairy so how does he manage it and how hard is it to wash down the drain? But in general things are improved a great deal.
When it comes time for the weekly hose down, I rope him in and in spite of the pout and multiple other things he suddenly remembers that he has to do immediately, he helps, mostly by doing most of the vacuuming and half of picking up. The bathroom unfortunately is still mine... Having to help clean seems to be the biggest deterrent to being a slob. It's a work in progress.
At least he's neat about his person other than his run down old shoes. For whatever fussy reason of his own he hates buying new shoes and resists wearing them mightily once purchased. I eventually win out and we go shoe shopping because his old ones are going in the trash, no argument. Bad hygiene, like Maui said is a deal breaker for me.
Last edited by vintagecat; 09-16-2013 at 01:36 PM.
I just love everyone's posts! I am grossed out and LMAO at the same time!
ReNew Me: you are so right! While I did try from the beginning to get him to clean up his act, I didn't try hard enough. My parents and his parents would constantly scream and yell (now I understand why), so I was more determined to not be a *****y, nagging wife. So . . . my bad on that. I am going to try some techniques you mentioned, but I am not expecting a lot.
I just don't get why people are such slobs. Is it normal for men to be like this? I don't know too many women who are this bad.
I don't understand the dental thing. My first husband was that way and so is this one and I have a serious dental hygiene fixation. Sneaky buggers brushed their teeth when we were dating, get married and that goes right out the window! It's been war with my current hubby, he had issues and a lot of money and time has gone into straightening his mouth out over the years. I once pointed out to him that if you added up the dental insurance and everything we've had to pay out of pocket his mouth is worth upwards of $25k and that seemed to wake him up a little. All I know is I pounded it into my son's head and by golly he takes care of his teeth!
As for men being bigger slobs ... eh, I suspect just as many women are, it's just something women are more likely to notice and, particularly, be irritated by and complain about. Guys can be a little more laid back. As long as home is reasonably peaceful and they are fed and well loved the majority can be pretty tolerant of their environment. Women are kind of wired, by nature and hormones, to make a home/nest.
Wow good lord do I love my husband right now lol. He does a few things that bother me, like forgetting to switch the clothes to the dryer and forgetting chores that I ask him to do. But he always tries to remember them all, and he always does something if I ask him to, just not as quickly as I'd like sometimes! I'm a firm believer that you get what you're willing to put up with. As soon as we bought a house together my husband and I split all of the chores. Every Saturday is cleaning day. We spend an hour or two vacuuming the whole house, and if the bathrooms or kitchen are looking a bit icky we thoroughly clean them. We pick up after ourselves in the kitchen and bathroom, neither of us are 8 years old so we don't act like it. My husband only brushes his teeth once a day though, but I keep telling him that he needs to do it AT LEAST twice. I tend to do it at least 3 times a day so that's a big pet peeve for me. Teeth are important damn it, you need to take care of them!
My Hubby is a Big Slob! Rant!
and he had pizza saved for me from dinner
