Thread: Miserable =(
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Old 08-18-2013, 09:49 PM   #14
KimberlyP
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Trenton, MI
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Thankyou so much for all the wonderful replies, I really appreciate it and am so glad I am surrounded by people who care. I feel so alone and this weekend has been the worst, I've been crying on and off. Last night I cried during the entire service at Church and today I've felt more depressed than I ever have in my entire life. My husband has told me I can only keep myself busy for so long before I have to actually let myself grieve. It's been 8 weeks since my mom passed and I'm now starting to grieve.

Today I went out for a walk - I felt angry, depressed, sad and every other emotion possible. I managed to walk almost 7 miles, my feet were raw and I didn't think I could even make it home but the anger I was feeling pushed me to walk further when I just wanted to collapse. The walk didn't help, I went to McDonald's, grabbed a medium fry, 2 cheeseburgers, and an iced coffee. I ate in bed and went to sleep. I hadn't slept the night before and was exhausted so a long nap was in order. I don't want to be 'That' person who is so depressed they can't get out of bed and function normally. I'm used to going to the gym first thing in the morning and working out for a solid 2 hours. Caring about myself has been crossed off the list and because of that, the weight is piling on at a rapid rate.

The way my mom passed has haunted me, I'll NEVER be able to get the imagines of that night out of my head. She was found on the floor unresponsive by her boyfriend, he attempted CPR while waiting for EMS to show. It took them 10 minutes to get there and by that time, her brain was starting to shut down. The Paramedics worked on her until reaching the hospital, they were able to regain heart function but she has to be placed on a vent. I got to the hospital and I knew in my heart it wasn't going to turn out good. After an hour they let me back and she was having seizures every few seconds, that was the worst part, watching her eyes open and body convulse. The doctor prescribed a large amount of Ativan in hopes of controlling the seizures but it wasn't working. A few hours goes by and I asked each and every doctor and nurse what they thought, would she come out of it. They assured me she had absolutely no brain function and the seizures were due to having no oxygen for 20 minutes.

At 4:22am I made the difficult decision. I was asked to step out while the tubes were disconnected and sat there thinking, "Is this real? This can't be happening." The Chaplain was called in and we prayed while holding my moms hands. I don't know if she could hear me or felt my presence but I told her how much I loved her and how much I would miss her. I was instructed to make the sign of the cross on her head with oil and we recited the Lord's Prayer. I cried trying to speak each and every word.

She passed away 30 minutes later and I held her hand until she exhaled her last breath. Watching her so still, not breathing, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. That was it, my mom was gone.

Food has been my source of comfort as it always has, but more so than ever now. I can't seem to snap out of it, I try to forget but I can't. There is only so many things in a single day I can do to keep my mind and hands busy. Grieving is not something I'm comfortable with but it's inevitable, it's part of dealing with death.
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