So today makes a week for me. I was initially happy about it but I've gone from feeling very accomplished and happy for myself to self loathing, insecurity, and apathy as staying on plan has allowed me to shift focus from staving off binge eating to other issues in my life. Throughout today I have been very critical and nit picky about my body, more so than I have been all week, during which I felt a sort of comfort from the knowledge that I was working on it and making progress. Suddenly a week free of binge eating no longer feels like much of an accomplishment and I look down on my former self for ever succumbing to it (it has ONLY been a week!). I question what things I truly expect from achieving my goal figure and whether those things are actually attainable, whether or not I counted calories strictly enough this past week to constitute staying on plan, and how long it will take for apathy and anxiety to prompt another binge to distract myself from life again.
I don't have physiological cravings anymore, those pretty much stopped when I started getting proper rest and stopped eating carbs, but I still have the psychological craving once in a while to buy a bunch of junk (Chips Ahoy have been advertised as 'on sale' for weeks now and every time I walk past that aisle in Walmart I think about buying a package) and eat it all because I'm used to it and because why not, junk food tastes good and I'm not worth all of the attention I give to diet and exercise. I bought an iced coffee today as a sort of reward but it tasted like it had extra cream and sugar to the point of passing the advertised 140 calories mark, I drank it all anyway. I'm not sure if I feel guilty about drinking it or not but I felt the need to mention it.
Well, that has got to be one of the most melodramatic posts about reaching a goal on this site. It felt good to write it all out at least.