[carmelwhitworth]

The further into depression I plunge?

I don't usually come onto this website, so this is pretty much going to be someone you don't even know just sort of venting. Sorry.

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As of right now, I'm 16, going on 17.

I have to get a senior picture taken pretty soon (not sure of the exact date, but within the next few weeks) and when I was told this I absolutely broke down, because I'd have to go to a hair salon and get my hair cut.

In public.

I was told this around 3 hours ago, and I'm still sobbing uncontrollably.
I'm not exactly sure why. I've never had anyone in that type of institution ever insult me because of my fatness or ugliness or anything like that.

I realized that it has to be myself projecting my own self hatred onto everyone around me, as much as I don't like to admit it.

It almost makes me angry, knowing that people don't hate me as much as they deserve to. It makes me feel like it's an injustice.

I don't feel like I deserve to even express my feelings and deserve to feel this emotionally distraught about basically nothing because I'm so fat and disgusting.

I'm a disgusting, wretched waste of life, space, and resources.
I deserve to suffer and twist in agony for the rest of time, yet I don't.
People are far too kind to me.

I've always felt like my friends and family only act nice to me, just to lead me along. But honestly, I know deep down in my heart that they hate me and they wouldn't miss me if I was gone.

I don't know what else to say.

It's incomprehensible to adequately say how much I hate myself. I'd ask how to feel a little better about myself and be more secure about who I am (as in have enough confidence to even aknowledge people in public, or go outside my home in anything less than 2 jackets and jeans despite the temperature), but as I said, I do not deserve that luxury.

So, I guess the point of this topic is.. is it common to be more depressed as you lose more weight?

Sorry for the long post, feel free to ignore it please. I feel bad for trying to be comfortable about who I am.

[uhaveaprettyface]

Why do you hate yourself? Is there anyone in your life you can trust, to talk about this with? Your weight does not define you and you don't deserve to feel this way. I wish you better days ahead.
Nicole

[fadedbluejeans]

In short, yes, for some people losing weight can increase depression due to hormonal disruptions. BUT I urge you to please seek help for your depression in real life! You do not need to suffer and you can feel better.

[alyssarof2012]

I've never heard of someone being more depressed as they lost weight, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I am still really large, but this spring/now summer, is the first time since middle school that I decided to not wear a jacket outside in the heat. Even though I am still very self conscious of what I look like to others around me, it helps me be a little more comfortable in my own skin (I never leave my house without a family member, though, so.. I'm not saying go hang with your friends or walk around your neighborhood and expect people who see you all the time not to stare). The first day I didn't wear my jacket, I kept kicking myself repeatedly, wishing I had put it on.. I asked my sister to turn around so I could go get it... and she did not... So, I had to deal with it in very awkward ways. But now, it's been 2 months and I don't feel like pressing need for my jacket, though I still find myself thinking of it sometimes out of reflex.

Just gradually push yourself into learning to be comfortable in your own skin. The fact that you have actually lost weight makes it even better. You probably look great! Get new clothes if you can and dress for your new size. Like everyone else has mentioned, you should definitely go see a therapist or something if you feel this is out of your control (which is how it seems)... I probably should take that advice eventually myself if my self worth continues to rely on my appearance and fat content as much as it does.

I appreciate you posting, it lets me see that there are others who think like me.

[Buffinlovin]

I'm going to echo the people saying that you should seek some help for your emotional issues...depression can happen during weight loss because of the hormonal changes (and as a teen, your hormones are already going bonkers), and there are ways to help make you feel better about yourself.

Were you more upset about the pictures, or the hair cut? I can assure you that photographers are magicians, especially those that do senior portraits. When I got my senior pictures done 12 years ago, I was about the same weight you are (a little heavier in fact). I was very nervous because I didn't want people to see everything I hated about myself. The photographer sat down with me before my session and asked if there was anything I was uncomfortable with, and he periodically checked with me throughout the shoot to make sure nothing was wrong. The lighting, shadows and angles he got literally seemed to take 10lbs off my face alone, and I was absolutely thrilled with how they turned out.

Now if it's the haircut that bothers you, there's a couple things you can do to help make it a little better for yourself so your not as stressed. First, cal lthe salon ahead of time. Ask if they are busy, or if there are times where it seems to be slower than others (all salons have times where they are slower...I worked in the industry for a while, and my best friend continues to work in it). When you get there, if you don't have a particular hairstyle in mind, ask if the stylist knows a good style for your face shape. Even if you don't want much cut off, they can help you style your hair in a way that makes you feel more confident about yourself. I'm not sure if this is an option, but color can also help. I have a very drab, flat brown color hair, and I wanted something a bit warmer, so every couple of months I get some caramel colored highlights and have them add in a few auburn highlights as well. The dimension in the color adds a little spice even though my haircut itself is a little plain (long hair with long layers....my best friend is always dying to chop more hair off lol!)

I'm sure you are absolutely beautiful, and you have no reason to hate yourself for how you look. Remember, you are YOU...you are NOT your weight! Once you start respecting yourself, the weight will be easier to get off (easier in the sense that stress and emotions won't be holding you back, as those can play a big part in weight loss). YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

[luckymommy]

I just wish you didn't feel so bad about yourself. Maybe you thought that if you'd lose weight, you'd feel better but as you can see, weight is not what is making you depressed. I believe there's a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes depression or body dysmorphia. I think you could try to address that imbalance by taking some natural supplements like St. John's Wort or Sam-e and if that doesn't help (give it some time....maybe a month) then perhaps you can see a doctor about treating your depression? I think it's a good thing that you're losing weight (hopefully in a healthy manner) but it's time to start tackling the deep-rooted issues of why you're so self-loathing. If you didn't commit any major crimes like murder, then you don't deserve these kinds of horrid emotions. Every one of us deserves a good life and because you're currently residing under a cloud of darkness, I hope you can find the will to seek some help and see the reality of what is around you (I hope you don't mind me saying that, but I don't believe that people around you are being fake). In the meantime, I send you some as well. I'm glad you posted on this board and I hope you will continue to visit here and post.

[carmelwhitworth]

Wow, lots of replies.

Reading this did help me feel a little better about this.

The main issue is the hair cut. I'm afraid someone will see me getting it, and then people will think that I care.
I just don't want people to think I'm fighting a losing battle.

[EagleRiverDee]

I'm going to have to +1 the folks that are suggesting you get help for your depression and self-loathing. If your best friend or your mom made the statement that you did in your first post, what would you tell them? I bet you would be kind, and try to reassure them. And you deserve kindness too- not just from others but from yourself.

Please get some help. A therapist can help you to change your negative view and start seeing things more realistically.

For what it's worth, I hate haircuts too. But in reality, it's truly unlikely anyone will even be looking at you, or will think anything of it. Everyone has to get a haircut.

[Vex]

Do you have someone you feel comfortable talking with? Your parents or anyone? I'm sure they're not leading you along and REALLY DO CARE about you. They certainly wouldn't be happier if you were gone.

Your post worries me. If there's truly no one you know personally that you can talk to, you might want to call the suicide hotline to talk about what you're feeling.

[patns]

Originally Posted by Vex

Do you have someone you feel comfortable talking with? Your parents or anyone? I'm sure they're not leading you along and REALLY DO CARE about you. They certainly wouldn't be happier if you were gone.

Your post worries me. If there's truly no one you know personally that you can talk to, you might want to call the suicide hotline to talk about what you're feeling.

I too was worried about your post and thought about it several times today. I didn't respond when I first read it because I hoped people who had suffered from depression would give you useful first hand advice which is what has happened.

As a parent and grandparent what really worries me is that comment that your family would not mind if you were gone. I know several families who have lost young members to suicide caused by depression. You cannot imagine the anguish the families go through. In each case the young person indicated that the family would be better off if they were gone which was so far from the truth. One of my bosses has just now been able to return to work since her 20 year old son took his life three years ago leaving a note saying he was a drain on the family.

Please get professional help as soon as you can. You do not have to suffer like this.

[carmelwhitworth]

I'm far from suicidal, I assure you.
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To be completely honest, I was pretty upset last night about the thought of having to go out in public to get a hair cut, so I said a lot of stuff that I really didn't mean.

Usually, I'm fine, if a little reclusive. Most of this stuff is probably rooted in social anxiety, and the thought of facing these kind of problems kind of got me worked up.

[fatferretfanatic]

You still need to go get help. Talk to a trusted family member, and have them help you get a professional. Sweetie, nobody should feel that way about themselves!

[Katawesome]

Oh god I'm that old person now... this is entirely cliche but I have to say it. I know what you're going through, when I was your age I was about 210 and I felt like crap. I did everything I could think of to lose weight and I always wore jeans and jackets regardless of the heat because I didn't want other people to see me. I thought I was disgusting, I didn't want anyone to know how hard I actually was trying to look nicer because then they would pick on me about it (that's what I thought). I wanted them to think I didn't care so they couldn't harp on it.

When I turned 18 I moved out on my own and there was no one I had to try to...not impress? Basically I didn't have to convince people I didn't care what I looked like, even though I did care. So I had plenty of time to work out and diet on my own schedule and lost a bunch of weight. Which I still hated the way I looked and it took my friends commenting on how skinny I was and a lot of looking in the mirror to actually see myself. Which until you realize you have a problem the person you see in the mirror isn't really the way you look. Sounds crazy and maybe it is. But I had stopped weighing myself because that number just made me die a little more inside every time I looked at it when I was heavier, and I thought I was the same size. Turns out I lost almost 60 pounds but I didn't see it. It took a lot of convincing from other people that I was in fact decent looking, to be able to see myself for who I was. Mostly what helped me out was actually not caring what other people thought and taking the jump and dressing in clothes I would have NEVER EVER thought of wearing, for me it was skirts and tank tops. Tasteful clothes, yet considered skinny clothes in my mind. Instead of the rude comments I thought I was going to get I got a lot of compliments from the opposite sex, which I don't care what anyone says it improves your self esteem. I got some asinine comments from people I knew (ironic how people who know you seem to be the rudest) but people I didn't know were more than friendly.

I don't know what exactly you could take away from this, but the point is if you lost weight and you still feel crappy about yourself. It's because you don't truly see yourself yet, losing weight is as much a mental process as a physical process. Therapy might help, completely going out of character might help, but staying the same and hating yourself is just going to cause you more problems than you know. If I could go back and change the past I would, youth is the only time in your life where you don't have enough stress to be unhappy. (I know it seems like a huge overpowering weight on your shoulders when you're younger, but believe me stress means nothing until you have other human beings that depend on you to be strong for them, support them, and trust that you will protect their well being.)