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Old 06-08-2013, 03:20 PM   #15
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 267

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Height: 5'5"


Originally Posted by kellycg102 View Post
Thanks Veggiedaze, I feel soooo much better, pretty amazed actually! I have done the same as you with meds been on a couple but go off after feeling I am coping better, so I will wait and see what happens this time around. This time around was really quite scary for me, really don't ever want to feel those feelings or have the thoughts I had again. Really hoping the food thing continues, it is a huge relief like you said not having to think of the food so much too.........amazing!

Hoping I can move more towards what you are doing one finally feels like maybe it is possible for me.
So good to read this kelly. It's just so tough the depression thing. But just escaping from time to time to be able to see things differently is so wonderful and something important to remember if brought down again. Just the memory of things being better can give great hope. As far as doing what I am doing one day is really humbling. I don't think I am doing anything too special. Just taking things day by day. It's still tough sometimes not to be pulled into the extreme dieting especially after an episode of over indulgence.

Being back at work has been good this last week to get back to my routine. Everyday I did the omlette thing for breakfast and it worked out really great. My hunger was so much less. But then I had to work a day overtime due to an environmental emergency. So I worked 60 hours in 5 days and boy was I exhausted. And that last day, although not "hungry", I did notice that draggy feeling that comes after several days of no starches. But I was by no means "planning" no starches. I wondered everyday if there would be donuts brought by someone, and had there been, I would have had one. And on my last day after work, my sister came out to visit and stayed over. She was so sad because her beloved dog was just hit by a car and killed and I feel very sad about it too. I had not had any alcohol since the vacation, and she asked me to pick her up some beer on my way home from work where she was waiting for me at my house. I said sure and decided what the heck, some wine for me was definitely called for after such a stressful workweek, and not wanting to work that extra day. So we had a couple drinks (my drinks are each worth 2 at least ) and then of course, the hunger kicked in and not having much in the house and not wanting to cook and feeling super bad about the dog, we ordered a pizza. I had 4 pieces!! She had 2. But you know it felt really good. And again it was a good thing I think because it again reinforced the idea of being able to overeat on occasion and not having the guilt turn it into a binge. I think the overeating thing is my biggest obstacle when it comes to resisting bingeing. Had I just had 1 or 2 pieces of pizza, and just 1 glass of wine, I would have felt really in control and I doubt I'd get a binge urge. But having 4 pieces (especially when my sister just had 2), I did fight a bit with the guilt inside my head and did get binging urges. But I just sat with the discomfort; reminded myself how important it is to be able to just sit with it, and we watched some TV, talked, and then went to bed. It also helped to combat the self destructive "all or nothing", "black and white" mentality.

And today, although a bit hung over, I feel fine. I can't help but recognize the old me would have binged last night due to the guilt of eating too much pizza, and I would be feeling so much worse today. It is afternoon now, and I am just beginning to get hungry again. I'm not sure what I feel like. There is more than a whole pizza left (we ordered 2 medium pizzas- one veggie and one pepperoni) and honestly I really don't feel like it. Again this is contrary to what would happened in the past. In the past the guilt over the previous day would have me diving head first into any lefterovers (which there would likely not have been leftovers) to help numb me from guilt as well as get in on it while I could since my mind would have decided that I would have to severely restrict again. Maybe tonight I will have pizza again, maybe not. I will just decide at the time depending on what I feel like. My sister had pizza again for breakfast, and holding strong at 110 pounds. She is the queen of intuitive eating. She is still my greatest example of moderation. I am very happy she is staying a couple days at my house. I always learn so much from her.
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