[JollyGreenSteen19]

So we're in the process of selling my husband and his brother's house that we currently live in so we can buy our own house. I'll start off my saying I've been married for 2 years now and it's definitely not been the easiest marriage I could imagine. I'm only 23 and have been struggling with thoughts of divorce constantly. I'm unhappy at my job and have been battling depression a lot in the last six months or so. Anyways, the point being, my husband's old office chair was a total P.O.S. and fugly/falling apart, so we decided it was finally time to replace it. Today we were cleaning up to show our house in a few days and I wanted to know what he wanted to do with the old office chair... there was this long silence and then he started off by saying there was no easy way to say this but that there's a weight limit on the new office chair and that I would probably break it if I used to because I weigh too much, so if we get rid of the old one I can't sit at our computer desk anymore and it'll be off limits.

Needless to say since then I have been sobbing uncontrollably. Just sort of a feeling in general of just wanting to die. My husband knows I'm sensitive, and he should know my weight is the most sensitive thing in my life right now, and that is NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY TO YOUR WIFE. Holy balls.

Anyways I know weight limits are on there for a reason. I have been using our step ladder, which ahd a weight limit of like 225 lbs I think for awhile and it's never so much as swayed. Same with my stationary bike.

I know there's a reasoning for "oh it's hard to hear but someone has to tell you" but seriously in my opinion that is UNACCEPTABLE that you would be more worried about your new office chair breaking under the weight of your hippo wife than her feelings in general. I know I have a weight problem, I know the restrictions it causes, it's not an overnight thing to deal with. I am seriously doubting my plans on buying a house with this man. If we weren't married I'd be gone out the door right now, fingers in the air, starting my life over.

[Gonna Get There Soon]

Well I'm just going to be frank...that was a real douche bag thing of him to say and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Now the question remains...what are you going to do about it?
I like to take things like that and turn them into sheer motivation!! Whether you stay with this dude or not......my Grandma has always said "The best revenge is living well"... actually a quote from George Herbert...but my grandma said it better.
We can't change people's behavior..but we CAN change our reaction to their behavior! Turn your hurt feelings into motivation!

I'm sorry he said that...that just plain sucks.

[JollyGreenSteen19]

GonnaGetTHere- thank you. It's nice when someone can just reassure me that it was a douche move. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all this motivation. I like the quote, it's a good one for sure. I'm just going to be selfish and live for myself for awhile. It's one of those things, like when someone breaks your trust, hearing that from him totally crushed me. I don't think I'm going to recover and regain the intimacy any time soon.

[joefla70]

Originally Posted by JollyGreenSteen19

So we're in the process of selling my husband and his brother's house that we currently live in so we can buy our own house. I'll start off my saying I've been married for 2 years now and it's definitely not been the easiest marriage I could imagine. I'm only 23 and have been struggling with thoughts of divorce constantly. I'm unhappy at my job and have been battling depression a lot in the last six months or so. Anyways, the point being, my husband's old office chair was a total P.O.S. and fugly/falling apart, so we decided it was finally time to replace it. Today we were cleaning up to show our house in a few days and I wanted to know what he wanted to do with the old office chair... there was this long silence and then he started off by saying there was no easy way to say this but that there's a weight limit on the new office chair and that I would probably break it if I used to because I weigh too much, so if we get rid of the old one I can't sit at our computer desk anymore and it'll be off limits.

Needless to say since then I have been sobbing uncontrollably. Just sort of a feeling in general of just wanting to die. My husband knows I'm sensitive, and he should know my weight is the most sensitive thing in my life right now, and that is NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY TO YOUR WIFE. Holy balls.

Anyways I know weight limits are on there for a reason. I have been using our step ladder, which ahd a weight limit of like 225 lbs I think for awhile and it's never so much as swayed. Same with my stationary bike.

I know there's a reasoning for "oh it's hard to hear but someone has to tell you" but seriously in my opinion that is UNACCEPTABLE that you would be more worried about your new office chair breaking under the weight of your hippo wife than her feelings in general. I know I have a weight problem, I know the restrictions it causes, it's not an overnight thing to deal with. I am seriously doubting my plans on buying a house with this man. If we weren't married I'd be gone out the door right now, fingers in the air, starting my life over.

You're absolutely right about the weight comments he made. So I won't even go further on that one.

But something struck me about what you said about your marriage. You said that if you weren't married you'd already be out the door. If I may ask, what is keeping you married to him? Is it a sense of duty because you take your marriage vows very seriously? Or do you think that you still love him, but you just need to work things out? Because if you don't love him --- or each other -- anymore, I don't know if you are doing each other any favors by staying together. You are so very young. Heck, I was 30 when I got married. If you want to start your life over, you can! You don't owe it to anybody to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy. I'm guessing you do not have kids together because you said that the only thing keeping you from walking out the door is being married. If that's the case, then so much the easier. I'm not saying just give up on your marriage if you think you still love him and you can make it work. But if you are miserable in your marriage and have been contemplating divorce for a while during your 2 year marriage, then maybe its the right thing to do. I think you are right in being hesitant to buy a house with him while you feel the way you do.

[PreciousMissy]

Originally Posted by JollyGreenSteen19

If we weren't married I'd be gone out the door right now, fingers in the air, starting my life over.

So, long story short, my current boyfriend once said something similar (not exactly, but same jist) during one of our rare fights (he was taught by his ex to fight dirty...we've since worked it out that dirty fighting is not allowed) and my response was that if he really felt that way then he should go, why prolong the inevitable.

I agree with Joe, if you really feel this way don't make it any harder on either of you. I was married for 13 years. 3 years in I started regretting getting married.

I honestly am not trying to break you two up, it would be wonderful if you weren't having these feelings, but life is too short to be miserable.

[thnknthin1]

I second what joe and missy have told you......you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, time to do some soul searching and find out what you want to do. Life is definitely too short to be miserable. I also might add, been there done that, best decision I ever made was to leave, now with the best husband I could ever ask for.

[gamechanger]

Well, I can't give any marital advice, but I can tell you that your husband's comment was way out of bounds--foul. (Yes, it's baseball season.) But seriously, I think GonnaGet's question is very relevant: What are you going to do about it? Keep in mind that you can't change your husband. Only God can to that. You need to take his barbed comments and use them to fuel your motivation to improve your life. Whether or not that improved life includes your husband is entirely up to you. But as my granddaddy use to say, "Use wisdom when considering your next step."

[Health Nut]

I don't if I should be saying this, but if you have nothing that's tying you down with him (kids, or other matters) then my decision would be seriously thinking about leaving him. If you are sad THAT often and not happy enough, then he's definitely not the right person for you and there will come a day where you'll regret staying more than recalling THIS and suddenly missing him. If you're not with someone who makes you happy way more often than upset, then it's not worth it AT ALL.

[Arctic Mama]

See, I might be hearing that differently. But there are weight limits on equipment and chairs, and him telling that to you is the truth. Would you rather have it break under you? I know that is horribly embarrassing, and for me would be worse than having my (lighter than me when I began) spouse tell me so I could avoid the situation entirely.

You're saying he 'should' know that this is the most sensitive part of your life right now - why should he know? Did you explicitly tell him? And I hate to say it, but I'm hearing you rephrasing the encounter and attributing a lot of insult and motivation to it that was nowhere in the original wording you gave us. Now, that doesn't mean he wasn't being disdainful or rude, but you could well be driving yourself crazy AND damaging your marriage by ascribing things to yor husband and his motives that aren't there. Heathy relationships require explicit and loving communication as well as believing the absolute best of one another. NEVER assume motivation or intent, because then your mind can just keep rolling and create conflict and separation where none actually need be.

Now. That doesn't mean your marriage isn't in trouble, he might have been unkind, or that you two both need serious communication help. But can you recognize that whether this is about your weight or not, he may well have been in a difficult situation with the chair and your size? That there was no nice way to proceed given that it does have capacity limits and not ones he set, but the manufacturer did?

I know that can be horribly painful to endure, it's one of the many downsides of being fat and one that can cause us intense embarassment. But blaming that on your husband, or his poor communication, may be missing that there was no good way to deal with the subject at all and he could very well have been trying his best to help by informing you BEFORE the other chair was trashed that it would be prudent to keep it, since the new one might not be suitable for you. I just don't think remaining silent to spare your feelings and then letting it possibly break underneath you is a whole lot more kind than what he tried to do. I say this as a neural third party, I could be way off base!

You indicate you're in a low spot and have been battling depression. I'm so sorry to hear that, and I'm sure this just felt like insult to injury. But - and I say this gently - realize that when you're feeling that way your feelings are lying to you, coloring every experience with emotion that isn't a healthy response or necessarily accurate given the situation. I know when I am depressed or stressed I blow things incredibly out of proportion and can't see the forest for the trees, because I'm stuck in my own hole. It isn't the fault of my husband or kids, or a result of anything they said, and I need to remember not to blame them when I'm not responding in a sensible or self controlled way. This may not apply to you at all, but it is amazing how myopic our emotions can make us, blinding us to both facts and the feelings of others, too.

I can't give any advice on your relationship, only hearing your side of the story. But I do know that marital communication, especially on sensitive topics, works best when we assume nothing and don't read into what is being said more than is absolutely necessary. This sounds less about a chair and more about your insecurities - which are valid and need to be addressed - but perhaps doing it directly in conversation is more healthy and loving toward your spouse than divulging it to strangers on the Internet?

I wish you the best, please take this in the spirit intended

[hhm6]

I would be hurt if someone close to me told me that too. Even if it's the truth, I feel that weight in general is a very sensitive topic for those overweight or underweight.

I think you're smart for thinking twice about buying the house with him when you're having doubts right now. I think you owe it to yourself to be happy, whether it is working with him on your marriage or going your separate ways. Either way, I hope things work out!

[elvislover324]

Hugs Jolly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know from some previous posts that you have been having a tough time lately and you referenced it again here. I don't have any words of wisdom for you that hasn't been said above but wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I think you have some serious thinking about what you want to do and we are here for you to chat with if you need to (we are only weightloss experts but we try to help with everything ). You are a young, beautiful woman and you deserve nothing but the best things out of life. And if he's not the man for you, that's ok. There is a whole world of good ones out there.

[kaplods]

What would you have wanted to say? Nothing, and allow you to possibly be injured.

If you're sure he wanted to hurt you, dump the turdball, but I don't understand the "let's pretend I'm tiny" game that so many women expect their family and friends to play (usually without the rules or expectations of the game ever being divulged, because the main rule is apparently mind-reading).

I've broken chairs and fallen and hurt myself, once very nearly seriously, and I'd much rather admit I'm fat and use that knowledge (and I'd rather have someone I love and trust remind me if I forget, so I don't hurt myself).

Who bought the chair, and why didn't you discuss making sure any new furniture be safe for you both. If it's because of the unspoken "let's pretend" game or because you or your husband didn't take your weight into consideration (or because your hub doesn't know your weight), I think that's pure foolishness.

My husband and I are both ginormously fat, and we've had to occasionally warn each other of risks we weren't seeing. The "let's pretend we're tiny" game would have only made the situation worse, possibly resulting in serious injury. I love my husband too much to let him get hurt by pretending a fiction about his size or ability and I know he feels the same (and I've had to hear some very painful observations about not only my size, but also my cognitive capacity during flares of my fibromyalgia. If you think it's painful to hear you might break a fragile chair, imagine how painful it would be yo hear, "please don't use the stove while I'm gone, you 're flaring and I'm afraid you'll burn the house down.".

Personally I get a bit offended when people play the pretend game with me by telling me I'm not fat. It's as if I'm not good enough for them as I am, they have to pretend I'm skinny to be good enough - and do they think I'm too stupid to know how big I am? I'm fat, and that's nothing to be sensitive or ashamed about, especially when safety is involved. I'd much rather my husband warn me about the weight limits on a chair ( and he has many times - even publicly to the horror of friends and strangers) than have me hurt myself over the let's pretend game. Although we also would never buy a chair without discussing is safety for each of us, and that includes our weight and body proportions (hubby weighs more than I, but has a much smaller butt and hips).

Currently we do have separate office chairs, because we have different preferences, but even so we discussed the purchases together.

As I said, I don't know if your husband is a jerk, and I can't guess from your post, but I would highly recommend couples counseling and individual counseling so you can learn to communicate and work together - or to learn whether you even want to.

I would recommend you read Fat? So?, The Fat Girl's Guide to Life, Health at Every Size, and Big, Big Love. They're fat positive books (the message isn't stay fat - it's fat isn't blame-and-shame worthy).

I know the "let's pretend we're tiny" game is accepted and even expected and even considered the only polite option our culture, but it's damaging and dangerous, and does a disservice to not only fat people, but also those who love us, implying that we're too weak or stupid to be trusted with the truth, and that fat is such an unspeakable evil that it must never be spoken, not even by or to loved ones, not even when injury might result.

I know this isn't a popular or common sentiment, but I also believe that 's why in part, that obesity rates are so high and weight loss success rates so low. How can you address a situation that you can't even acknowledge existing?

[Natasha1534]

If you've only been married for 2 years and have struggled w/ thoughts of divorce constantly, I really have to question why you got married in the first place. I have long been wondering when we lost the "courtship" part of relationships. I'm not saying you rushed in to marriage...but it seems to be the norm these days. A friend of mine got engaged after dating his fiancee just under a year. Everybody's response??? "ABOUT TIME!" What??? That's just long enough to get to know each other and start getting annoyed by the things you initially thought was "cute."

I guess I'm old fashioned...I believe that when you marry someone, it's meant to be forever. Not a "meh, if I don't like it, we'll just divorce" type thing. I have no issues w/ dating a man for several years before we consider marriage...but all my friends are upset if they don't have a ring w/in 6 months.

Umm...that was a sorta off-topic rant. Anyway, my point being...if you think it's worth saving, try to save your marriage. If you don't, chalk it up as a learning experience and be more careful the next time around. Your husband's comment, while insensitive, was truthful. If spouses can't be honest w/ each other, who can?

[Candeka]

I would have only seen what he said as an issue if it was said to hurt you. If he was just saying it as a fact or statement, why be mad? It's the truth. If he was saying it to purposely hurt you, then that is not okay.

[Joil]

Are you upset by what he said or how he said it? Because I think it depends on the tone he used. If he said that with a kind tone than he was just telling you a fact.