[lilcrazy]

Hey guys ... So I have been through this support website over and over again. I feel like an addict coming off and on the bandwagon. This is my story

I am from a family of heavy set people. I am the first child to both my parents and I always felt deprived growing up. My whole life has always been one alienation after the other. So I turned to men to help me to deal with it all. I was raped when I was 9 and I actually developed a wired relationship with my rapist. I began to like him .he was my baby sitter and honestly a father figure when everyone ignored me. all the " positive" role models in my life usually treated me like I was useless. my pastor told me that I should do something that doesn't require any intelligence. High school was miserable and a joke. I started to feel like I just was out of control. I was always looking for some man to help me to feel wanted and they always rejected me. I loved in with my dad and my step mother alienated and abused me. went to college met amazing people but felt like I heard God call me to something and now I'm trying to pursue it.
now I've graduated college and I took this huge step to move to the big city. I thought I left all the toxicity behind me but now I feel so shut up. food has always been my comfort my gift to myself. no matter how broke I was or how mean everyone was to me I could always afford a cheap pick me up. now I'm in this turbulent long distance relationship that requires a ridiculous some of money for us to save to be together. when we got together he lived in a different country. he was a love for the past that came back . how we are engaged and we not only have to pay off a bond from his employer that keeps him in that country but now because of this$10,000 sum of money I literally can't have a wedding.. It's so hard because I've always felt so alone now I'm really very alone. I came here to the city to pursue a completely new lifestyle and I am still so held back. I just eat so much it's so stupid. I feel so alone though. my boss is the most ridiculous human being in the world. he stresses me out I eat. I'm lonely I eat. I'm bored I eat. I'm sad I eat. I want to say happy birthday to myself I eat. it's so expensive and center productive . I hate food. I don't even really enjoy it anymore . I just eat though.
my relationship with God has improved so much . I have been in constant communication with him which has been wonderful but at the end of the day I resent the fact that everything in my life always revolves around deprivation sacrifice. it sucks. sorry. it does. I want so much to have one thing. some time in my life to feel special. I sincerely believe I have given God everything. I just want a moment u know. I hate self pity. I'm sorry but I have to let it out. food has always been my only comfort and now to be honest I don't even really enjoy it . I think I eat to tell myself its rewarding if that makes any sense. I need to hear from God can someone pray for him to help me out. just give me something to enjoy

[bargoo]

First thing I want to say is, you are not alone. Do you have a Bible ? If you do I recommend Psalm 27 . Here is a scripture I have also found helpful. Isaiah 41:13 "For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand , saying unto thee ,Fear not " ; I will help thee. You can trust God's word, it is true. I will pray that you find peace, give your burdens to Jesus .He will carry you through.

[lilcrazy]

Originally Posted by bargoo

First thing I want to say is, you are not alone. Do you have a Bible ? If you do I recommend Psalm 27 . Here is a scripture I have also found helpful. Isaiah 41:13 "For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand , saying unto thee ,Fear not " ; I will help thee. You can trust God's word, it is true. I will pray that you find peace, give your burdens to Jesus .He will carry you through.

Thanks I read it. It was wonderful. I really like the part where he says e only thing i seek is to dwell in the house of the lord and gaze on his beauty. for me beauty and has always been my fascination.
question. do u ever get into like fits of rage against yourself. like ull be like why wont u do this or that and then u are determined to do something. then .. nothing. I dont know how to get over over eating. my boyfriend thinks i need an appetite suppressant. i think my over eating comes from emotions though so i dont know how to get over it

[Justwant2Bhealthy]

I'm sorry that I didn't see this thread earlier; we have had so much on our plates lately, and been busy, busy, busy; but I did want to comment on your post even if I am a little late in doing so.

I agree with BARGOO ... just the fact that this site exists and with so many tens of thousands of members (not mention the lurkers) should tell you that you are definitely not alone. We just have to look around: in our families, friends, co-workers, and communities to see that people everywhere are struggling with weight issues.

YES, we are emotional eaters: WE ARE EATING OUR FEELINGS (as I like to say); and anger is an emotion. Anger isn't a bad emotion: it has a purpose, as long as it is a good purpose, and you don't let it control you or cause you to do harm to yourself or others. Don't let the sun go down on your anger: let it go each night so that you can have a peaceful rest and life.

You could do some mindful meditations with some positive scriptures each night (and the PSALMS are good ones for sure), to help you feel better. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this type of anger is based on self-hatred and that isn't of GOD. We must keep things in perspective. GOD LOVES YOU -- just the way you are, but He isn't against you trying to improve yourself in a balanced, healthy way.

We aren't supposed to beat ourselves up or abuse ourselves with hate-filled thoughts or words. Look for ways to express your anger, disappointment, and/or sadness in other ways -- like journaling or writing.

BTW, take a look at my thread called EMOTIONAL EATING: HOW TO HEAL in this forum; you may find some tips and ideas in there that may help you. Try not to pressure yourself so much. And yes, many people do berate themselves when they are down (I think this is a human flaw that shows low self-esteem), but that really isn't a positive, motivating force.

I really think loving yourself and enjoying life is better way to go ...