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Old 04-24-2013, 10:05 PM   #234
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 267

S/C/G: 113/117/110-120

Height: 5'5"


Magical - You have really said so many things that will be helpful for so many people I think. It is really great that you broke things down into different stages you went through and your ideas on weighing and calorie counting.

Regarding if I am ready to put on some weight, yes the weight doesn't really bother me since I do not restrict to control my weight, but rather because I have an illusion of perfect health that I am trying to achieve like an OCD thing (It has been mentioned on here that I have orthorexia). My weight doesn't really ever change much except for a few times; in my early twenties when my obsession was weight and I was hovering around 100lbs, and then after things like a breakup, and then I had an accident where I was burned in some places and the stress of that also made me lose about 15 pounds. But after those drastic weight losses I at some point binged alot and binged right back up to around 115 pretty quickly and then it just kind of stays there. I believe I guess I am in the stage 2 you speak of where I am overeating junk foods, but without bingeing I think it still amounts to being about the same if not slightly less than before. I am not really noticing a difference in my weight over the last few weeks but because the overeating of junk foods is getting less, I imagine I may actually lose weight at some point. Also, I haven't done nearly as much exercise as normal becasue I have been sick from withdrawal from going off antidepressants, and the bloating feeling from the junk foods have been a bit of an exercise deterent. So I will probably be doing alot more exercise in the coming weeks.

That's funny you mention the whole people comparing me to my sister thing. Yes, it happens all the time as far back as I remember. People love to point out the differences. It used to bother me when we were younger but I am just used to it now. Also she is noticably thinner than I am and have been so for many many years so I am really used to that and because my eating disorder isn't weight driven but "perfect eating" driven. I am sure if I get to a weight that is considered overweight it would bother me, but I think I would be alot more concerened about any health implications more than what size jeans I was wearing. But obviously I cannot say that for sure.

So I am just continuing to truck along and hoping I will not change my mind about everything. I tried wine again last night (just a small glass and had it after dinner as opposed to before), but I again started feeling some binge urges. I think I'm going to give up wine now for awhile because I just feel it will cause me to binge one of these days. Anyone else have anything to say about alcohol. I just feel confused about it because at one time drinking wine seemed to help suppress bingeing, but now it just seems to do the opposite. I don't know why this changed. It really sucks because I just love a glass a couple times a week, especially on my last day of work. My last day of work though I am vulnerable to bingeing because I know I don't have to work the next day so it won't matter how sick I feel.
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