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Old 04-24-2013, 07:01 PM   #229
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 267

S/C/G: 113/117/110-120

Height: 5'5"


Originally Posted by magical View Post
I was a normal eater until self-awareness kicked in probably around the age of 12/13 and I became very conscious of my size as I was taller and larger than most girls (not fat, I was never fat but had a large frame). My mother's constant comments that she had a much smaller frame than I was definitely a trigger and as soon as I learnt how to throw up using my own fingers, that was it for me.

Weight wise, in my teens and as an adult up to say 5 years ago perhaps, I was always around 115-125 lbs (usually 120 and a size 4 and sometimes 6, depending on the brand). I can see from old photos now that I looked like a scarecrow at 115 or even 120 since I had a large frame. I maintained 120 throughout the years by alternatively severely restricting and binging/purging.

I started putting on weight above 125 lbs (up to a max of 140 lbs perhaps) on and off the last 5 years - still considered normal weight but well, my family has always been prone to comment and the scales ruled my life. I believe the weight piled because I got older so while I was still binging and purging, I could not restrict and purge without my body fighting back with with its own defense mechanism.

One year ago, I gave up restricting and binging/purging completely because, as I said in another thread, I could not do it anymore. I also gave up weighing myself totally. Mentally, I was exhausted and I gave up trying to please people. I was around 125 lbs when I stopped dieting. I did not do "intuitive eating" as how the books described it after I stopped. I just ate when I wanted to and I definitely did overeat junk food those first few months - chocolates, cakes, stuff, and I definitely put on weight. Not sure how much, but I had to move up a clothes size.

The feelings settled down after a while and I think I did lose some weight as I alternated between a 6 and 8. A year on, I'm ready to get back into a comfortable 6, so, trying to record what I eat and when I eat but doing it very slowly.

I will NEVER ever go back to restricting. I was very tempted in the beginning and it was a real blessing in disguise that I could not purge anymore because after sometime, the feeling to binge/purge went away. As I said, my house has junk food lying around and I'm not even interested. I can eat one small bit of chocolate and put it away not tempted at all.
Thanks so much for providing details of what led you to quit restricting/dieting and that you feel you would not go back to it. It is comforting to hear you overindulged in the first months of recovery and that now you can have junk foods around and it doesn't affect you. I think that is most peoples fear in that they will eat out of control forever if they stop the restriction. So now that you are wanting to get back to a comfortable 6, what are you doing to achieve that without being restrictive? You said you are writing down what you are eating; does that mean you are counting calories? You also said you gave up weighing; would you ever go back to that? There is a debate going on here whether or not weighing and counting calories is a good idea when deciding to not diet. You are in a better place to answer that than me since I am very new in the non restriction and don't know at all if I can stay with it.
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