Krampus - yes I've researched this before and alot of it is very true for me. What differs though is that I am in that cycle of restrict/binge. The definition of this condition seems more like anorexia where there is no binge part, just restriction. But yes, the quality of my food is of utmost importance to me. Luckily though, I do not ban any food. I will eat every food that exists, but I am obsessed with it being as unprocessed as possible. For example, I will eat cooked brown rice but not white rice and never something like a rice cake. I will eat wheat like rolled wheat flakes in my porridge or bulger wheat in something like tabouli, but I will not eat flour of any kind. Therefore I do not eat bread ever or pasta. I can sometimes eat sprouted grain bread but it kind of freaks me out because it reminds me of bread. I will not eat any hydrogenated oils, and deli meat is my absolute nightmare with all the sodium, preservatives and nitrites. I eat nut butters but they have to be completely natural with no stabilizers or hydrogenated oils. I do not eat refined sugar or sugar substitutes. I eat unrefined cold pressed oils but sparingly. I eat all dairy even higher fat but prefer it to be organic to avoid things like antibiotics and growth hormones. I will sometimes eat chocolate if it's 70% organic dark chocolate but it makes me feel guilty due to the sugar. I eat all meat, fish (not tonnes due to the mercury), and poultry. It doesn't HAVE to be organic or free range, but I prefer it. I don't like eating anything canned. I tried eliminating all grains at one point because I got wrapped up in the whole paleo thing (several years ago), but my bingeing became much worse and it was actually more difficult to meet the RDA for certain vitamins and minerals. If I forget to drink my "green drink" everyday it really gets to me. I can never decide if I should drink red wine or not. I really love it but studies indicate it increases the risk of cancer. However other studies say it is heart healthy. So I am really torn on that one. I do find that any alcohol puts me at a higher risk for bingeing. I eat all fruits but prefer ones lower on the glycemic index so I don't eat alot of bananas, and I Never ever drink juice or any kind of soft drink. I will eat potatos even white potatos since they are high in potatssium and many other minerals, and I eat all vegetables. So as you can see, I am completely CRAZY!!!! But, I don't lack nutrition.
What's funny about all this is that it all goes out the window when I binge. Then it's cheap disgusting carboard tasting cookies galor. Also, what is strange is that I am surprisingly flexible when travelling because for some reason I just make due, try to make healthy choices, but end up being able to eat things like bread and pasta and other processed foods without it triggering any bingeing. It's really weird. It is the only time I feel truly free of this eating disorder. For me, vacations arn't just a vacation from work, but a vacation from being crazy. I think I am able to put my rules aside because I know I will be returning to my restriction.
BUT, I've been making great progress lately. The last couple weeks I have been partaking in the donuts or treats at work although I realized the first time I should ditch the Intuitive eating with these things because I went a little crazy. Also, I ate chips (also too many) a couple times at my friends for dinner. And yesterday, I ate a reese peanut butter cup. I didn't even really want it an pretty much forced myself. I am finding if I don't force myself, it is easy for me to convince myself I don't want it and I just never end up eating any of it which only enforces my unrealistically strict rules that perpetuates my bingeing episodes. Honestly, I'm not sure if I am really learning anything because I am still perceiving these foods as being "bad". And it kind of upsets me to have to include any of these things because honestly I really don't like the idea of having to eat these things regularly. The only reason I am doing it is in hopes it will help me to not binge. I am struggling with the guilt though. I am trying to be optimistic. It is seemingly easy to change some of my behavours, but difficult to change my thinking. I bought a spinach lasagne to bring in my lunch tomorrow. It is giving me anxiety because of the pasta. I am bringing an alternative in case i chicken out.
Anyways, I know I didn't need to go on and on like that but writing out my obsession helps me to see how "black and white" I am. I hope it doesn't make me seem completely unrelatable. It really is just the restrict/binge cycle with a different definition of restriction. The ironic part is is that it all started the regular way eating disorders start being about weight and wanting to be ultra thin in my teenage years. I recognized I had an eating disorder and wanted to cure myself by learning as much as I could about nutrition. but then this happened. You know the saying "the road to **** was paved with good intentions".