[christyk28]

So short story to my pre surgery dating life is that I didn't date much. Now that I have had the surgery I feel so much more confident to date. My question is this.....If you started dating again after surgery, how did you tell your date that you had the surgery? I want to be upfront about it because if we go to dinner I don't want him to think I'm one of those girls that just doesn't like to eat in front of a man lol. You know what I mean? Or why I haven't taken a drink of my tea that I ordered to just have there in case I need a drink because something was to spicy or I start coughing, etc. Sometime's I think it would just be easier to meet someone who has had the same or similar surgery as me lol.

[jiffypop]

so THAT's why there's such a gleam in your eye in your AFTER pic!!! and while i'm hardly the person to ask about dating, IMO, there's no reason to tell him RIGHT OFF THE BAT that you've had surgery. There's nothing wrong with a little mystery. And besides, if you offer to share your food with him, he'll more than likely think it's charming than that there's something wrong with you.

About the tea - is there any chance that a glass of water would serve the same purpose for you?

Now, if intimacy is happening - or about to happen, there's a whole OTHER can of worms jiggling around. By that time, though, the two of you should be comfortable enough to discuss this issue. But be prepared - some men, no matter how much they THINK they're OK with it often aren't prepared for the reality. Those are the guys who aren't worth another minute of your time.

as for dating someone who's also had surgery - if you can find one, see what happens. but as with everything, there are good men and not-so-good ones.

[christyk28]

LOL! Thanks Jiffy! And you're right no matter what there are some good ones and there are bad ones

[elvislover324]

I don't know about dating after surgery so I can't help you there but....I saw your profile picture on another thread and just had to tell you how good you look!! Your before picture is pretty but your current picture is amazing! Congratulations on your success so far and good luck in your future! You have done awesome!

[christyk28]

Thank you so much Elvislover! If I'm ever having a bad day I just look at that picture, remember where I was and where I'm going, and my sour attitude turns around lol. I think comparison pictures are very important in this process. Congrats on your success also!

[Zeitgeist]

I agree with Jiffy. I wouldn't tell a date about the surgery until the relationship started to progress a little. Of course, I'm of the opinion that ones medical history is personal anyway, and I wouldn't tell a date about a gallbladder surgery either.

As for dinners, I found that I could eat fairly normally with a cup of soup and basic green salad. Soup is a slider and I can eat a fair bit of lettuce. And if you have a glass of water on the table, neither your date or the waiter/waitress will probably question why you didn't drink much. Not ordering a drink gets more attention than a simple glass of water.

I did have one date postop that was a COMPLETE disaster. First, he was angry that I wasn't drinking alcohol with him. Then, he became angry that I ordered egg drop soup and an egg roll. He thought that was a ridiculous dinner. In hindsight, we shouldn't have gone to a Chinese restaurant, as there are few choices there that even today I can eat.

I think the more time that passes from your surgiversary, the less importance your surgery has. While at first I wished I could find a man who understood my struggle, now I'm glad I am dating a "normie," lol. Weight and food issues rarely come up in conversation, of which I am glad.

[BreathingSpace]

Originally Posted by Zeitgeist

I agree with Jiffy. I wouldn't tell a date about the surgery until the relationship started to progress a little. Of course, I'm of the opinion that ones medical history is personal anyway, and I wouldn't tell a date about a gallbladder surgery either.

Yeah, I agree. Just because you are out on a date doesn't mean he gets to know EVERYTHING about you. Just tell the person when you are ready to.

After all, your weight loss surgery doesn't define who you are as a person, and that's the most important part of getting to know someone!

[ForeverVivid]

I don't see any reason to blurt it out right off the hop either. I have yet to go on a date since I have had surgery and lost about 60 lbs, so I'm afraid I'm not much help on this subject, but I know that when I do have the opportunity to go on a date, I won't be too concerned about telling him right away. I have not hid the fact that I have had surgery, so if he happened to ask why I ate so little or something along those lines, I wouldn't be opposed to telling him. But I wouldn't be the one to bring it up.

Just my opinion.

[joefla70]

Originally Posted by BreathingSpace

Yeah, I agree. Just because you are out on a date doesn't mean he gets to know EVERYTHING about you. Just tell the person when you are ready to.

After all, your weight loss surgery doesn't define who you are as a person, and that's the most important part of getting to know someone!

I agree that it is certainly not necessary to give that info up front. Nobody is entitled to know this about anybody who has surgery or lost a lot of weight. However, there may a reason you might want to get it out in the open early on.

There might be some people who will look at the weight loss and/or surgery in a pejorative way. Of course, anybody who would do that you don't need in your life. But, to be fair, many of us who have lost a lot of weight are very concerned if we will be able to maintain the weight loss. Personally, this is something that worries me because my history isn't so good in that respect. So, if I were dating and I revealed to the person I was dating that I had just lost 130 pounds, it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to wonder the very same thing. Now, there will be some people who will like you for the person you are, and not judge you by your weight. But not everybody is like that. It doesn't make those who do bad people.

My point is, IF a person you're dating may have that reaction to learning about your weight loss, it might better to know this sooner rather than later -- before you form emotional attachments. I know that I would be really hurt if I met somebody and really got attached to them, only to scare them off by eventually telling them that I had lost a lot of weight. Of course I would know, in my head, that such a person was not the right person for me if they would do that. But, it would still hurt nonetheless.

Now, maybe my fears are unreasonable and I am bringing a lot of my own personal baggage into the equation here. But, this is just food for thought.

[christyk28]

Originally Posted by joefla70

I agree that it is certainly not necessary to give that info up front. Nobody is entitled to know this about anybody who has surgery or lost a lot of weight. However, there may a reason you might want to get it out in the open early on.

There might be some people who will look at the weight loss and/or surgery in a pejorative way. Of course, anybody who would do that you don't need in your life. But, to be fair, many of us who have lost a lot of weight are very concerned if we will be able to maintain the weight loss. Personally, this is something that worries me because my history isn't so good in that respect. So, if I were dating and I revealed to the person I was dating that I had just lost 130 pounds, it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to wonder the very same thing. Now, there will be some people who will like you for the person you are, and not judge you by your weight. But not everybody is like that. It doesn't make those who do bad people.

My point is, IF a person you're dating may have that reaction to learning about your weight loss, it might better to know this sooner rather than later -- before you form emotional attachments. I know that I would be really hurt if I met somebody and really got attached to them, only to scare them off by eventually telling them that I had lost a lot of weight. Of course I would know, in my head, that such a person was not the right person for me if they would do that. But, it would still hurt nonetheless.

Now, maybe my fears are unreasonable and I am bringing a lot of my own personal baggage into the equation here. But, this is just food for thought.

That is exactly why I was thinking of telling them early on It's as if you read my mind lol. And I have had that happen so far. I know that there are people who don't want to date big people and if I was to tell someone later and tell them how much weight I have lost that they would just think of me as a big person then. Does that make sense? lol But if they know from the beginning and they are good with it then I don't have to worry about anything down the line and end up having my heart broken because of it.

[joefla70]

Originally Posted by christyk28

That is exactly why I was thinking of telling them early on It's as if you read my mind lol. And I have had that happen so far. I know that there are people who don't want to date big people and if I was to tell someone later and tell them how much weight I have lost that they would just think of me as a big person then. Does that make sense? lol But if they know from the beginning and they are good with it then I don't have to worry about anything down the line and end up having my heart broken because of it.

Yeah, I know what you mean about wanting to know early on whether the person you're dating is ok with it. And I think I know what you mean about people seeing you as a big person if you told them later.

I don't know if people care about whether somebody used to be fat .... as if it was some sort of stigma they wanted to avoid. Rather, I suspect that people are leery of dating people who used to be fat because they are afraid that because they were once fat, they will become fat again in the future. To make a crude analogy, it would be like a guy choosing not to date a girl, even though she is now thin, because the girl's mom is heavy, and the guy thinks that the girl will eventually be heavy like the mom.

The other thing is that I don't know if every person would be honest in these situations and actually tell you how they truly feel. Of course you'll know the true feelings of the people who bolt because they aren't ok with you having lost a lot of weight. That's easy. But the ones who are ok with it. How do we know that they are only ok with dating someone because they are thin now, but would not be ok with someone who put back on weight? I mean, IMO, that is even worse than the people who would bolt right away! At least those people are honest about it. Its the people who would stay with you now, but bolt later if we put weight back on, that are the real potential for heart break.
While there was a lot of great things about dating, this is certainly one thing that sucked about it.

[kisskiss]

btw, you look amazing in your profile comparison pic!!

[christyk28]

kisskiss i'm glad you did jump in on our discussion! and ya i want to just be upfront about it. i feel the one's that stick around are meant to be in my life at some point and the others that don't weren't.

and thanks about the picture comment

[BreathingSpace]

Originally Posted by joefla70

I agree that it is certainly not necessary to give that info up front. Nobody is entitled to know this about anybody who has surgery or lost a lot of weight. However, there may a reason you might want to get it out in the open early on.

There might be some people who will look at the weight loss and/or surgery in a pejorative way. Of course, anybody who would do that you don't need in your life. But, to be fair, many of us who have lost a lot of weight are very concerned if we will be able to maintain the weight loss. Personally, this is something that worries me because my history isn't so good in that respect. So, if I were dating and I revealed to the person I was dating that I had just lost 130 pounds, it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to wonder the very same thing. Now, there will be some people who will like you for the person you are, and not judge you by your weight. But not everybody is like that. It doesn't make those who do bad people.

My point is, IF a person you're dating may have that reaction to learning about your weight loss, it might better to know this sooner rather than later -- before you form emotional attachments. I know that I would be really hurt if I met somebody and really got attached to them, only to scare them off by eventually telling them that I had lost a lot of weight. Of course I would know, in my head, that such a person was not the right person for me if they would do that. But, it would still hurt nonetheless.

Now, maybe my fears are unreasonable and I am bringing a lot of my own personal baggage into the equation here. But, this is just food for thought.

Just to clarify, I meant on the first date!

[jiffypop]

At one point, i'd lost a lot of weight and was bikini thin [oh stop laughing - it really happened!!!]. I didn't bring up the weight loss, although most of the guys questioned my eating habits, and lack of drinking [i was a good little weight watcher - back in the days of the pink program with 6 oz of meat for dinner, 4 oz of carby vegs, and so on].

However, every once in a while, one of the guys would make comments about overweight people - and not nice ones. When i told them that i used to look like that - or even heavier - their attitudes completely changed towards me - and the relationship didn't last much longer.