But it is hard because I feel lazy or like I'm not "doing enough". That need to control really runs deep.
So sad isn't it? That our society makes us feel guilty for nourishing our bodies and that starvation is a virtue? *facepalm*
Like I've said before, my biggest hurdle is including previously banned food. The trouble is, unless I am in binge mode I don't want these foods. It's just when I snap that I want them. In fact when not in binge mode these foods cause me fear.
This is different than what I experienced. When I had banned foods, I too would binge on them when coming into contact. After I found IE, I got so excited that I had "permission" to eat them any time I wanted in any amount so I went out and bought them with a vengeance. I never did get sick of them because even though I was eating them daily, I was eating such small amounts that my body was still hungry and undernourished and I never got to the point where the book says that enough exposure will lead to a gradual disinterest. I only have now this go around because I have been eating a lot more in general, so now all food is boring and neutral; a brownie truly has the same weight with me as an apple. If I'm not hungry they both look unappealing. Never thought that would be me in a million years.
Really though; food is only interesting when your body is hungry otherwise it's mundane at best. When people post lists of what they had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I scroll over it because I have no care to read it. I start wondering why they are posting it at all in such detail, but then I realize that it's like a form of food porn for them.
You get an entirely different brain when no longer in diet mode.
Part of having an eating disorder means that your brain misidentifies food as something to fear. Two options here: I would suggest you do what they do for people with phobias. Expose yourself to your fear foods one by one and eat them. Let yourself feel the anxiety and then conquer it. Eventually you'll realize there's nothing special about them, especially if they can be eaten daily for the rest of your life, and you'll not only not fear them, you'll get tired of them and want other things. This only works though if your body is well-fed overall. You'll want to binge if your exposing yourself but still depriving your body of calories. The urge to binge will happen because your body will seize a chance to get fast calorie dense food in and what's more dense than ice cream and donuts?
I think this is where a lot of people go wrong. They think they will introduce forbidden foods in, but still slash calories at the same time and then wonder why they are still bingeing. Not knocking anyone, I made this very error for over a year.
Two, if there are really some foods you honestly wouldn't bother with unless in binge mode and don't want them as part of your life, you don't have to eat them at all, ever. Not even to prove anything. For example, I HATE cake, but I used to binge on it because it was there to binge on. The perfect food. But outside of diet/starvation/restriction/reactive eating mode, I have ZERO desire to eat cake. Like not even at a birthday party, just hand me the ice cream. I never even liked cake as a non-ED kid. Ick.
Hope that helps. Glad to see you're moving along through the fear. It is scary, but it gets less the scary the more you keep at it. A little anxiety is good. Crush it.