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Old 04-03-2013, 03:50 PM   #46
bingefree2013
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 71

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You know I too got scared that I would gain a lot of weight. I still get terrified that I will (just to illustrate that this is not a smooth worry-free process). It always stopped me in the past from giving up on some kind of routine. But heck, I was bingeing anyway from trying to stay too thin, so what did I have to lose? I defined myself as the thin one. Thought I wasn't really good at anything else in life, but being ultra-thin? Oh yeah, I had achieved what most girls/women out there want but hardly ever get: Hollywood thin. For all five minutes, and then bingeing took over and I struggled daily to stay there.

I spent most of winter looking back at what I had lost by obessesing and fretting over 10-15 extra lbs. I wanted to slap myself repeatedly for wasting so much time and energy on a shallow pursuit. If I were not me, I would roll my eyes at myself for engaging in such idiocy. I was whiny and wangsty as a dieter/restricter and in a constant state of panic and guilt. All of my days were either "good" or "bad" depending on how I ate. Pathetic.

As I said before though, I had two dueling minds for the longest time. They're both still there just this time the better, saner one is currently winning and squashing the petulant vain, neurotic weight ****. When the whiner starts to take over again and tell me how I need to lose weight, and it will be all right this time, I push myself through and eat in spite of that noise and it does shut up. I remind myself that I want to have a good summer this year, not like last year where I was so wrapped up in myself and my SELFISH goals that I blew people off and ruined planned events, or how I spent hours in my room contemplating suicide while the sun was shining and people were outside laughing.

The more I do it, the more I shut it down, the less frequently it comes out to play. One day it will be gone completely. I had to create that voice and I have the power to silence it as well.

Oh yeah, and I was never happy at my lowest weight which was 99lbs. I still thought I was fat and could lose just a few more. So yeah...

Last edited by bingefree2013 : 04-03-2013 at 04:01 PM.
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