also, bingefree2013, I know you don't binge anymore, but do you overeat things like chips etc. and feel bad about it?
No, I don't. Nothing makes me feel guilty when I eat it either. I literally cannot think of one food that frightens me to eat or think about eating, or that makes me quiver with fear after I have eaten it. I don't care about weight loss anymore, so that certainly helps. And it's not just words. I truly no longer give two craps about losing another pound. That alone opens the gateway for a more healthy and honest relationship with food. I care more about keeping my sanity. The two have been at war for years, but finally mental health concerns won out and propelled me to where I am now.
I eat to appetite now, and on calorie dense things that I enjoyed as a child before I had food issues. I have spent the last few years trying to ingest low-calorie gunk, hating every second of it. I am not
a salad eater.
Everyday I eat some version of ice cream, chocolate, burgers, chicken, pizza, or whatever else sounds good, usually something homemade. For the last month or so, I've been wanting milkshakes from McDonalds about twice/week, so I get them. When it's closer to my period starting, I'm hungrier, so I eat more, there's no thought about it; some days I'm less hungry. It's been nice being back there.
Now before anyone cries, "heart disease!" and "diabetes," and shows faux concern for my health, I would argue with you that chronically dieting and weight cycling is far more detrimental than just eating the freaking food and moving on. The amount of stress that I used to give myself over, "to eat or not to eat?" nearly drove me over the cuckoo's nest. I've wasted hours of my life that I could have been with friends and family lamenting that I ate a chocolate bar, and was now too "fat" to go outside. SELFISH and indulgent drivel.
And no, I do not overeat anything
. I eat pizza pretty much bi-weekly, and I'm starting to get grossed out by it and more interested in other foods. Sometimes I have a jonesing for grapes and cheese. I love grapes. Sometimes the thought of ice cream repulses me after eating it for a few days straight, and I'm thoroughly turned off by food unless I am hungry, something I truly thought would never happen to me again (back in the good old days before ED, I never thought about food before hunger).
I wouldn't have got to this place though unless I allowed myself and my body to recover from the heavy restriction I have placed on it for the last year and a half. I had to let go of the fear of weight gain and plunge into my meals. I dished out moderate to large portion sizes to ramp up my digestion and make my body start to heal. My stomach did hurt, at first, but within a few days, I felt so much better, and now I'm back up to the size of my pre-ED day meals, sans bingeing, and I plan to keep eating this way and let my body regulate how big my meals need to be from here on out for LIFE.
Like I have said elsewhere, I am not without bad days. Some days my brain tries to lure me back to the diet. Sometimes for days on end, but I still eat in spite of it, and then better days return and my new way of living
is cemented further in my brain; the chatter a bit less and less. That's the only way to get out of an eating disorder I believe.