Thank you so much for responding. I had realized I was really getting off topic on the March binge free challenge thread and thought it best to start a new one. I also felt I was coming accross as bashing calorie counting and I don't want to do that. I know it works for many people and I myself have counted calories for the past 12 years, and I guess some could say it works because my weight only fluctuates within a 10 pound weight range. However, I did not start binging until I started counting calories and the more obsessed I am with adding up everything so precisely, the more I binge, and the more It ruins my life. I become socially isolated, and an angry anxiety ridden mess.
I have noticed your posts throughout the chicks in control forum and they have really stood out to me and have really resonated. Reading your words It reminds me of my twin sisters attitude towards food, who once was severely bulimic and now is the poster child of moderation. If it wasn't for her, I would probably just accept that I am a binge eater and will have to count calories and will struggle for life and would blame genetics. But she is an example, with the same genes and who started out with an even worse relationship with food, that it doesn't have to be that way. On the outside, to most people we are almost the same, with her only being slightly thinner. But on the inside she is free and happy and never diets or counts calories, and I am tortured with the hidden binging secret noone would ever expect in a million years.
I have not counted calories for the last 3 days and have made it impossible to do so by putting away my food scale, measuring cups etc, and taking just what I think I want instead of taking what I am "allowed to have". And it has been a scary leap of faith, but I want to persist. I do feel the void having neglected my food diary that adds everything up so nicely, and feel odd not doing mental calculations, but I also feel a load off and like I am exhaling after holding my breath for too long. And I havn't binged and haven't felt the urge. By no means do I think it is a cure to end binging as I believe there are many other reasons, emotional etc; but I think restricting makes the other urges so much stronger and harder to ignore.
I will keep those two things you mentioned in the forefront, A) eat enough to fuel my workouts and B) not feel starving or stuffed at any point. I am really loving these as things to remind myself of throughout the day. Also, I am glad you mention that you will happily eat what someone else makes. I have been at that point a few times throughout all the madness and I do think it's key for ending the obsession and letting go of total control. I have actually planned to stay at my sisters on my days off where she said she will cook me dinner which will force me to give up control over knowing the exact calories.
Also, thanks for the idea about fitness goals. Maybe that will help to fill the void left behind from not tracking and obsessing over what I am eating. I really have no idea what leangains is. I've heard the word but have never looked into it which actually shocks me because I feel I've read almost everything out there.
Seriously, thanks so much. It really helps give me the courage to persist with this. I hope others who have taken the road of moderation and giving up some of the control will chime in. It's hard not to get scared and begin calorie counting again. I am really hoping that won't happen like it has so many times before.