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Old 03-05-2013, 12:58 AM   #3
Dona Quixote 2013
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 25

S/C/G: 313/262/140?

Height: 5'5"

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It is not just you. I have been fat all my conscious life. At my highest I was 313. I can't tell you I had a fantastically happy family life, but my mother and most of the rest of my family love / loves me. But I sure didn't love me. I spent a lot of time thinking that the weight was the problem. I dieted intermittently, but with no lasting success, and for quite a few years, I just gave up.

When I woke up one day at 313, I just couldn't stand it, or me, any more and I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist who was a weight-loss specialist. It took several sessions, but she eventually convinced me that the weight was a problem for my health and my quality of life, but it was really a symptom of a bigger problem. I have been working on dealing with the things that make me want to eat, and learning (slowly) how to deal with my life without eating for safety / comfort.

We worked a lot on doing nice (non-food) things for myself, 'just because.' And we also worked a lot on re-thinking my attitude towards fat vs. my attitude towards me. I am slowly beginning to realize that my worth is not based on my fat (or lack thereof). I still don't like the fat, because it keeps me from doing the things I like to do and it is a health risk that won't make things better as I get older.

But as I have started this new weight loss journey, I think I am finally doing it for the right reasons, and I will be more likely to succeed because of that. I am not losing weight to make myself 'acceptable' or 'ok' or 'normal'. If other people don't like my being fat, they can go take a flying leap off a high cliff, because it is none of their business. They certainly have no right to judge me.

I am not doing this so I can finally be a 'good' person, I am doing this because I am a good person no matter what I weigh, but I deserve better than this! I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, to be able to hike, and bike, and swim and explore, and do all the other things I want to do, to wear clothes that I like, rather than whatever covers best, and because I deserve to be around to share my life with my family and friends and animals.

I can't tell you that I don't fall back into the old thought patterns, because I do. But I can usually catch myself, eventually, and remind myself of everything I have learned. I think that is making it a little easier for me not to give in to the self-loathing, which usually translated into eating junk because I was emotionally hurting and didn't know what else to do.
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