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Old 03-04-2013, 11:00 PM   #1
droll n quirky
life long endeavor
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1

Height: 5' 4"

Default 2, yes 2 'failed' gastric bypasses. how to heal thyself?

this is my first foray into forums. confronting the good ol' fear of the unknown!
im 38, single, drink black tea, an artisan with a business that caters to the arts, and have 5 cats.
i've been in therapy for a year- and have learned many things, but my greatest art is probably self sabotage, and preventing my own happiness.
i have never 'fit in' and started gaining weight around the 3rd grade. i went to weight loss camps after the 5th grade and after the 8th. i've done weight watchers, jenny, atkins, lap band in 2006, and conversion to gastric bypass in 2010, which almost killed me. i was in a coma for 2 months. i was disappointed that it didnt kill me, and most of the time, am still disappointed that it didn't.
And here's the kicker- i have parents who are still together and love each other, and, who love me. i have an inner circle of friends who love me. and, AND, even an outer circle of friends who value me. but i don't value me because once again, i am fat, (maybe 240 but im afraid to weigh myself) and ugly, and it just doesn't register in my bone marrow that i can be loved. (due to 'society' or the media...it really doesn't matter.)
there is an immense part of me that wants to wear black and white stripes with orange and blue paisleys, and have the attitude to pull it off, but mostly i don't leave the house, even to retrieve the garbage can.
i want...need... the confirmation that i am not the only one out there with this struggle to smash the walls of meticulously constructed blocks of blindness to hinder bliss...to protect against the foreign universe of internal happiness. i know i stick to a dire existence because that is what i know.
but here, for the first time, i am braving the unknown.
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