[LozzCowell]

I can feel it creeping back and I'm so scared.

I'm not sleeping well at all, most nights not until 2am then waking up every hour. My parents have been picking at me, asking me why I'm not loosing and saying I'm not trying hard enough. Also I'm stressing out about my job. I hate it. I have no idea what I'm doing and it might just be my imagination, but I'm sure certain people are conspiring against me. My manager mainly. I sit right next to him, and he seems to be having too much of a laugh with a guy that sits the other side of him. And yet when I walk to my desk, the laughter stops and the looks begin.

Maybe its all in my mind. I hope it is, but this afternoon I'm starting my search for something else. I'm done with call centre work. DONE!! But its all I've ever done. I have no idea what to look for. The office is opposite a local radio station and I've had some experience in being a dj as a volunteer at another station. I might just doll myself up on Thursday go down there and see what's going on.

Now that I've been thinking about that I'm starting to feel a little better. Perhaps if I give myself a "happiness target" rather than a weight loss or work target maybe I can kick this in the butt.

But the issue with my parents, *sigh*. Nothing I EVER do seems good enough. I know I've hit a plateau. That really hasn't escaped my attention.

So I suppose in reply to that, I'm going to walk to and from work again, like I did when I first started. And in the evenings I plan to do jillians 30 day shred. I managed the warm up on level 1 this morning before I was interrupted. (Still can't work out in front of people other than my man)

I'm sorry for what seems be another moany post, but I do feel better for writing it out and and posting it for all to see.

Oh one good piece of news, I lost 7inches in total this last week. From my chest, waist, and hips and other bits, so I suppose all is not lost.

[Poppy201]

Lozz I used to get terrible insomnia, so massive, massive sympathy on that front. That won't be helping how you feel. Are you worrying about something specific (your job?) that's stopping you from sleeping? I suppose you could try and take some comfort from the fact that once you change job/start actively looking for other ones, the sleeping issue might get better because mentally you feel you're trying to sort it out.

As for the people you work with - I hope you are imagining it. Otherwise those guys are complete d***s. And surely we left all that behind when we left school?! Maybe they're just having some kind of blokey chats and you weren't included just cos you were a girl? Still pretty pathetic, but not directed *at* you, and you probably wouldn't want to be joining in anyway!

I think the radio station idea is a great one! Definitely go in on Thursday. What are your hours like at the moment? Could you do more radio volunteering stuff to fill out your CV while still working? Then you could start applying for paid radio stuff.

Walking to and from work sounds like a positive thing to do, too. I bet that will help improve your mood as well. And maybe shift you out of your awful plateau! I remember you saying you were thinking of decreasing cals to 1200 a day... Did you try that? (I did think 1200 every day would be too hard for me!)

It's no fun feeling like this - I hope you're being kind to yourself.

[LozzCowell]

Thanks poppy for your kind words. The job is probably the main thing that's is causing this stress, anxiety, depression thing. I'm deffo going to the radio station on Thursday or maybe Friday as I have to nip to the office quickly anyway.

In terms of the 30 day shred... I bit the bullet, got my workout gear on and attacked it... Jillian still kicked my arse!! But I feel so much better for doing it!! My abs are screaming... But I like it lol.

So plan this week... Walk to and from work for the 2 days that I'm on this week. Then the rest of the days I'll do my shred and Friday's I'll add my swimming in.

Then... Hopefully the scales will start to move again. Rice and pasta once a week, and lots more veg. Oh while I'm thinking about it, I've gone of runner / string beans.... Any good alternatives?

[mountain walker]

Lozz my lovely I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You were one of the people when I first joined 3fc who made me feel really welcome and not alone any more...that in itself is a real gift.
Not sleeping is torture...I have had terrible phases of it myself especially when I was working. I have found myself on the wrong end of office politics and it's sh*t. Does your firm have an antibullying policy? Would it be any use going further up the chain of command?? It sounds like you may have general anxiety which bu**ers up your sleep good and proper.
As for your parents, well I can't pretend to be an expert. I was ALWAYS a disappointment to my Mum until she died 4 years ago...and my stepfather is a twit with an "a" if you get my drift. I don't speak to my brother as because I am fat I wasn't good enough to be invited to his parties.
Focus on how well you have treated your body lately and how good it feels not to be filling yourself full of crap.
Get your hubby to give you a BIG HUG this minute and focus on how much he loves you......that is at least as much as you should love yourself.
PM me if you want to chat lovely.
God Bless.

[savynaturalista]

I understand how you feel. The job is stressing you out I think you should take parttime work or quit all togehter.. I was in the same situation and I took parttime work for the time being.. What made me finally do it was my health.. Always remeber your health comes first.. This will help you make the decison if you quit I doubt you will regret it..

[1987]

Oh Lozz sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

Best of luck with the job search. They always say that it's easier to get a job when you already have one, so hopefully you will find something soon!

Congrats on the 7 inches btw, that's fab and something you should most definitely be proud of!

[LozzCowell]

Where would I be without you lovely, gorgeous, fantastic people???!!!

All your words of encouragement and love have really pulled me through today. I'm already feeling more up beat and positive about things.

So on the work side of things;
Poppy: I do believe they have some sort of anti-bullying thing, but I can't prove anything at this moment in time. So that really is out of the question, at least until I have something solid.
It's unfortunate really. I've been bullied all my life for not being the "normal" skinny girl. I had a six pack at age 14 because of the rugby I used to play and they always taunted me for it. NOW women aspire to have these wash board stomachs... I had one of those once upon a time. But because of their comments, I started to eat emotionally, the weight went on, the condition came off and that's where I've stayed, slowly getting bigger and bigger.
The other unfortunate this is that, I had to leave my last job because I was again, being bullied by a jumped up, "Gods gift". Yes, I got him sacked, but he had so many other nasty friends that the looks and the comments didn't stop after he went. So I reluctantly quit.

I thought, that when you become an adult, these things stop. But no such luck it seems.

MW: thank you soooo much sweetie. You've reminded me of how far I HAVE come!! 1lb shy of 2 stone!!! Seriously!! 2 stone!! (SW is really 324lbs... wow... that number looks totally alien to me now!!!) Okay, that still leaves, like 10 to go, but it's a start. i've been eating pretty well, but have been munching on the carbs a bit much lately. So rice and pasta once a week respectively (although not too keen on pasta these days lol) And I have taken the first step to getting back into the exercise.
I have been going on the Wii and doing some pretty intense stuff. Like the free jogging... 10 minutes worth and I done 3.5km's... and that was on the hottest day of the year!! So my heart really is in it.
The man thing has been brilliant the last couple of days whilst I've been feeling like this. Sending me swimming on Friday, even though I really didnt want to. Massages, cuddles, a sholder to cry on. The usual. But what I think I really need is a really good cuddle off my mum. but no chance of that happening any time soon. Partly because their behaviour towards me at the moment is just... well... horrible and the fact she lives in Germany.

savynaturalista: That's the thing, I took this job because it's part time, 3 days a week (but only 2 this week. Thank you bank holiday monday!! lol) I've been on happy pills before and managed to wean myself of them. (They were a very low dosage) I think it's mainly the fact that I really don't feel the training we were given was enough and I've just got to the point where I wake up in the morning fine, but as soon as I sit down at my desk, my heart starts racing and i feel sick.
I am seriously looking for something else. Part time again, unless my dream job comes along at the radio station lol

1987: Thank you sweetie. I mean don't get me wrong. I've worked hard for those inches to come off... but the scale.... GAH!!! I wanna throw it out of the window!!

I set myself a goal today when I got up. That I would at least try to do level 1 of Jillians 30 day shred. And I got through it! Yes, it was painful. Yes I sweated like a pig (eeeeew) but my god am i proud of MYSELF!!
I said earlier that I would do it everyday. But what with walking to and from work 3 days a week, I think I'll just do it on my days off and keep doing my swimming each week as well. As Jillian says, Injuries are not part of the deal!! I do love that woman... she's just.... WOW!!!

Anyway. I'd better be off. Must try to get a good sleep.

Again, thank you all so much for bringing me out of this crappy-ness and I'll try to keep you all posted as much as possible.

[Marchmallow]

Lozz, I'm so sorry you've been feeling low. I hope that you can resolve your work issues - if you're really unhappy there, you shouldn't make yourself stay. No job is worth being depressed, life's too short. You're on a mission to improve your quality of life, and it shouldn't fall short of your mental health as well as your physical. I did have a job once where the manageress hated me so much, she set out to humiliate me at every opportunity. I gave it a year and then I quit. After that, I got the best job I ever had and I'd still be there if the store hadn't closed down. :/

So what I'm trying to say is, look at the bigger picture of your life, and compare that nasty manager to a snowflake falling onto a field. Insignificant.

Also, well done on getting through the 30DS! I consider myself halfway-fit and it ain't easy for me! I'm still doing the C25K running program, I can run for 25 minutes now. It was a killer at first! Stick with it. I love Jillian so much, I follow her on FB and totally crush on her, haha.

[GyMila]

I have never dealt with fully blown depression, I get blue sometimes and my weight always hops up whenever that happens (mainly because my "cure" is to sit in my bed and eat cheese and chocolate), so I can't give you any advice.

But parents... I can tell you my story there: I grew up with parents who I felt were never happy with me. I am the oldest child with a younger sister who suffered from a serious and debilitating childhood disease and so I always tried my hardest to be perfect for them, to cause little trouble and to be their little sunshine even in the dark days. I did well in everything, I was top in school, I was in sports and won medals here and there, I was musical and sang solos for our choir and I was well behaved, even in my teen years, meek, taking care of my youngest brother whenever I could and babysitting the neighbour's kids. I would never get praise for any of that, the most I would get was "we expect that from you". And then they would add something i could work harder on... "have more friends", "you could try to be a bit thinner", "you are not going out enough" "you are going out too much"...
This weighed me down so much. I wanted so desperately their approval and not getting it made me very angry and sad. When I was 21 I brought home a serious boyfriend (who I got engaged to later) and of course once he was gone they said he wasn't good enough and I broke down. I told them all this, how I felt like no matter how hard I tried I was never enough for them, never the daughter they deserved to have, always a failure. It was awful, I had never ever said anything like this to them (that would not be model daughter behaviour!) and it apparently came to them as an utter shock. Turns out they were really proud of me, they just had a way of showing it that I could not see, they thought I was such a high achiever that pushing me for more was "helping" me, they wanted to motivate me to work hard... we cried a lot that night and I finally saw it from their perspective.
My relationship with them has changed a lot since then, I still want to make them proud and I don't think that will go away, but they have started to tell me more often when they are actually proud of me. And they have stopped pointing out things they think I could work on (at my highest weight even, they did not mention it at all, even though I know they notice).

Sooo... really long story there, I think what you feel is normal but maybe if you talked to them about it, things could change. Maybe they think they are trying to help. Maybe they think they are doing the best they can to motivate you, but it is a way that you can;t appreciate. Or maybe they need to be told that this is hurtful to you and that if they want to help they can do it in a different way (or if they don't they should refrain from commenting at all). I know it is hard to do, I don't think I would have the guts to do it again, but I am glad that I did when I did.

Wishing you all the best, Mila

[kelly315]

Don't underestimate the power talking to a professional has. It's helped me a great deal, and I believe it can help you. Good luck, and we'll be here if you need us.

[Elliemar]

Lozzzzzzz where are you??? Hope you're well, chick! xx