When did you start getting positive attention from the opposite sex?
Hi, ladies! I'm wondering, for those of you who have dropped some or a lot of weight, when guys started paying attention to you. I'm talking about average people, not the creepy older guy at the bar or "chubby chasers," just normal guys — not necessarily attractive, just someone who could reasonably fit into your peer group.
I know there's a certain range of weight/attractiveness/overall demeanor where you're going to receive attention from other people your age, especially when you're in your early 20s as I am, and I'm wondering when you entered that realm.
I definitely get more general attention now — more people smiling, more people in shops and restaurants engaging in conversation — which I attribute to the sadly ubiquitous truth that the more obese you are the more invisible you become (I know this isn't true for everyone, but it is for a lot of us). At least guys my own age smile at me now, but I know I have quite a while before they start seeing me as "a girl."
That probably sounds bad — it's not that I expect (or even want) that tons of guys will ever attracted to me, but I'd like to no longer be in the category where most men don't even register me as someone potentially date-able. I think I'll be ready to date soon after being all hung up on a long-term relationship that ended and the months of emotional weirdness and brief reconnections with that guy. I know I could find someone online or something, but I really think the only way I can do the whole dating thing is organically. It would be nice to have some vague idea of when I can expect the pool of potential guys to expand to people out in the wild, where there has to be at least a little bit of physical attraction to connect with a stranger.
So did anyone notice when this started happening for you? It seems like
Last edited by ParadiseFalls; 08-20-2012 at 01:28 AM.
Hi, ladies! I'm wondering, for those of you who have dropped some or a lot of weight, when guys started paying attention to you. I'm talking about average people, not the creepy older guy at the bar or "chubby chasers," just normal guys — not necessarily attractive, just someone who could reasonably fit into your peer group.
I know there's a certain range of weight/attractiveness/overall demeanor where you're going to receive attention from other people your age, especially when you're in your early 20s as I am, and I'm wondering when you entered that realm.
I definitely get more general attention now — more people smiling, more people in shops and restaurants engaging in conversation — which I attribute to the sadly ubiquitous truth that the more obese you are the more invisible you become (I know this isn't true for everyone, but it is for a lot of us). At least guys my own age smile at me now, but I know I have quite a while before they start seeing me as "a girl."
That probably sounds bad — it's not that I expect (or even want) that tons of guys will ever attracted to me, but I'd like to no longer be in the category where most men don't even register me as someone potentially date-able. I think I'll be ready to date soon after being all hung up on a long-term relationship that ended and the months of emotional weirdness and brief reconnections with that guy. I know I could find someone online or something, but I really think the only way I can do the whole dating thing is organically. It would be nice to have some vague idea of when I can expect the pool of potential guys to expand to people out in the wild, where there has to be at least a little bit of physical attraction to connect with a stranger.
So did anyone notice when this started happening for you? It seems like
Omg, haha. I LOVE that you said "not the creepy older guy at the bar or "chubby chasers," just normal guys"..because chubby chasers aren't 'normal guys' in my opinion either.
To be honestly. I hit 190 and I swear every single guy friend I had suddenly was asking me out. SO odd. Like an overnight thing. I'm thinking it might have a lot to do with the fact that I started carrying myself more confidently once I was under 200.
Also, I know how you feel. It doesn't sound bad. :]
I agree with dandelioncupcakes- there was always some attention from creeps and chubby chasers, most of whom were more threatening than flattering (because they were often a little off in the head).
I also began to notice more attention below 200, which increased as I got to my low weight (160). 180 was a big increase in attention for me. All of my major relationships and dating experiences came under 200 (and were initiated by the guy). I also agree that a lot of it had to do with my self-confidence, because I was still "bigger" at that point.
I dated a lot at my highest (290's) and a lot of that was just self-confidence. Although I do believe there's a lot to be said about "organic" dating, I also loved dating online. For me, I'd rather date someone who is into me as I am rather than waiting for someone who likes me at my new weight. My online profile always included a photo of myself and I have to say, I rejected a lot more men on the basis of intelligence rather than some freaky fetish (although there was a guy with a foot fetish... so weird).
My advice is practice, practice, practice. Self-confidence comes only when you practice. Date guys online if only for the practice (although, be safe, etc). One day you will realize what a catch you are and then that "switch" will come and you'll be immensely datable.
I noticed that people in general started smiling at me more when I got into the 170s. Store clerks were suddenly more helpful, especially men, asking me if I needed assistance. People also made more eye contact with me. For a long time no one ever asked if I needed assistance and sometimes I had to try and hunt down a store clerk if I needed help. Now, even if I don't need help, people are asking and offering. Not sure what that's about. In terms of attention from men, I'm married and wear an obvious wedding ring and engagement ring, so I'm not sure if that's the reason, but I never get hit on or asked out by random men - and every guy I actually know is aware that I am married and usually knows my husband too.
I am engaged (and we met when I was about 230lbs), but I always had a very active dating life. When I was more physically active I dated more, but that was more about me going out and doing stuff instead of hibernating at home.
I have always carried my weight well and had a lot of confidence. None of the men I ever dated were specifically into big women, they were just into awesome, smart, funny women....which I am!
Are you sure you're not defining anyone who has interest in you AS a creep or chubby chaser?
I know in my late teens and early 20's, I pretty much was creeped out by any guy showing any interest in me. If they liked me, I labeled them a creepy loser, whether they were or weren't.
In my mid-20's I was watching a dating documentary on dating that cited some research (with accompanying vidoe) that found that the vast majority of men will only approach a woman if she has shown interest first. So, it's not the guy who really makes the first move, it's usually the woman (you've got to flirt, or at least smile and make eye-contact).
And furthermore, women tend to reject the guys who do try to make the first move. In other words, there's an unwritten rule that a guy has to be invited to make the first move (which really makes it the second move), and whether we as women realize it or not we also know that we're supposed to make the first move, because uninvited attention feels creepy.
And often many of us "fat girls" are hesitant to make that first move, so we still feel creeped out if a guy gives uninvited attention, BUT we're not comfortable giving the invitation. So we WANT a guy to pay attention to us, but when one does, he comes off as a creep because we didn't invite it (with a smile and eye contact), or worse because we've allowed ourselves to believe that anyone who is interested in us, MUST be a creep.
After watching this documentary, I decided that I had to learn to flirt (though I mostly still relied on subtle flirtying, so I only drew the attention of very perceptive guys), and I had to stop assuming that anyone interested in me was some kind of pervert.
I wasn't overwhelmed with male attention, but I did start getting (and noticing) more male attention, from genuinely nice guys who were truly interested in me, not my shape (or at least not primarily my shape).
I also found that even among the chubby chasers there were guys who weren't any different than guys who preferred thin women. They are most attracted to larger women, but they don't lose interest should their wife or girlfirend loses weight. They're just like the guys who prefer thin women, but don't fall out of love, or decide to leave a woman just because she's gained weight.
Some of the chubby chasers are actually just shy guys who are less intimidated by curvier women, either because they feel the "figure flaw" makes the woman less threatening, or because they believe that overweight women are gentler and more compassionate (I had several guys tell me they preferred to approach BBW's because bigger women tended to be less cruel and more nice in delivering rejection (usually at least pretending to be flattered by the attention).
Still, it was stressful to not know whether a guy had a strong preference for BBW's or was just a guy with flexible preferences. So I ultimately decided to ask for what I wanted by placing a personal ad. I tried to be smart and funny, so that my personality would show through, but I included a 3/4 length photo, and I gave all of my stats (well my weight and height, not my measurements as I felt that was tacky, and would encourage men who focused ON measurements). I joked that my weight and hair color were subject to drastic change without notice, but that I was currently losing weight and pursuing a healthier lifestyle and was looking for a man in the same situation or one who could be sympathetic to it (warning them essentially that I might or might not succeed with the weight loss, and needed a guy who could accept either outcome).
Through the ad, I did meet get responses from a few creeps, though most exposed their creepiness in their first email or voicemail response (the ad allowed both types of response. The voicemail went to a secure box that I had to call to get messages, so my personal and identifying information was only available if I gave it out).
I met my husband through that ad. We talked for over three hours in our first conversation. After a week or so of talking on the phone, he invited me to meet him at BBW/BBM dance he was planning on attending (hubby was a really big guy himself) that weekend in a city about two to three hours away. That really set off my creepiness vibe, so I declined (and almost decided to write him off as a creepy dude). He said he didn't have a particular preference for larger women, and dated women of all sizes (I would eventually see photos of the women he's dated, and his dating spectrum really was extremely wide. He'd dated beautiful, thin women, plain women, chubby women - though I was the biggest). One woman especially was drop-deal, model gorgeous.
He called (the next day, I believe) to tell me he had decided not to go to the dance, because he really wanted to meet me, and would I meet him at a local restaurant for dinner.
Physically, I wasn't impressed (hubby sort of had a biker-viking vibe going with waist-length red hair, 6'2" and just all-around huge guy), but hubby was (and still is) a very charismatic guy. He was the first "fat guy" I had ever dated, and the first guy with long hair or facial hair. He also dressed far too casually for my liking (I'd always dated more polished guys), but surprisingly (to me) that didn't stop women from flirting with him openly in front of me. Once a woman tried to give him her number in a Walmart (obviously thinking a fat woman like me wasn't any competition for her, as she was thin and reasonably attractive). Hubby (we were married by then) laughed and told the woman she should give the number to me since he'd lose it (pretending he didn't realize she was flirting with him).
On one hand, hubby was the least normal guy I had ever dated (but I've learned that normal is highly overrated), and I also was reluctant to date him because I didn't think he would fit well with my friends, but it turns out I was very wrong (and I felt ashamed of my prejudices). As it turns out, hubby impressed the **** out of my friends. Because while he looked a little scruffy (the biker-viking thing), he was extremely intellectual, well-read, and well-traveled. He had trained as a chef in 4-star restaurants, and was incredibly interesting to talk to. Seeing how easily he impressed my friend,s helped me see him in a different light as well.
Still, if Ihad met him in my 20's rather than my 30's, I would have dismissed him as a creep (and possibly even a chubby chaser when he mentioned the BBW/BBM dance, even though that didn't turn out to be his actual preference at all).
On the surface, we didn't have much in common at all. Even now, our main shared interests are our interest in travel (despite not having the budget to indulge it), our sense of humor and some (not much, but some) of the same taste in movies and music (on almost everything else we disagree).
We're almost polar opposites. I'm very conventional on the outside (and creative and unusual on the inside) and he looks very unconventional but is one of the most conventional and conservative men I've ever met.
If either my husband or I had been unable to look past physical appearance, we wouldn't have ended up together. And I learned that when you fall in love with someone, they become more attractive (I already knew it worked in reverse. I'd dated some really cute guys who became very ugly to me when I realized they were jerks). I never liked long-hair on guys, and was never attracted to heavy guys. But as I fell in love, I started seeing the biker-viking thing as a huge turn-on. His hair is now mostly gray and it's only shoulder length because his hair is more brittle now so it breaks off. He still looks great to me (especially since losing 80 lbs) but I do miss the red hair falling past his belt.
I have had guys show me interest at my highest and lowest weights. Seriously, it is dictated much less by appearance and much more by charm, self confidence, and mutual interests. My husband was attracted to me at 230-ish, and he was a normal weight guy without much propensity to date (so he didn't just see me as a pickup, far from it). And I have gotten cat calls while in the plus sizes, sure.
I'd say I garnered more general compliments and appreciation once I hit 190, at my height. But I wasn't non-datable material when I was 50 pounds heavier, and I'm not infinitely hotter now than I'm lighter, you know? Most of what constitutes attraction that matters in a decent relationship isn't physical. A sparkle in someone's eye, a jovial laugh, their interest in a given subject or topic, a quick wit... None of these rely on physical sex appeal and all, I find, are much more important to engaging me in someone than their sheer physical sex appeal or lack thereof.
Haha, dandelion, it sounds worse quoted back to me! But I'm glad you know what I mean. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with only being attracted to larger women, it's just that in the same way I don't only have one size or type of guy I've dated or been interested in, I want a guy who doesn't, either.
All your answers are insightful. It's interesting how everyone seems to either fall into the low-200s range or the 170-190 range (not just these answers but dating-related posts from all over the forum). I wonder how much of it has to do with confidence levels.
I got a lot of attention in high school around the 140s-160s and didn't get when I switched schools after I gained weight (190s-210s), but I think teenage boys are a lot less likely to engage with girls who don't fit what their peers label "hot" even if they would otherwise be interested. And I haven't been a healthy weight since high school, so I have no adult frame of reference. That's why I love heading from you gals.
Rosa, good point about level of activity...sometimes when I'm getting bummed about not meeting new people, all of a sudden it'll hit me that I don't put myself in situations where that's even possible. I'm always either at work (in a small office with a staff that doesn't change) or I'm with friends in settings where new people aren't involved (restaurants at a table together, at home, game night, whatever). I keep telling myself that if I want to expand my social circle I have to actually do things outside my regular routine, but I end up too scared
Kaplods, thanks for telling your story here. I've picked up bits and pieces from other threads, but the details in this one were really helpful. You're absolutely right about perception and such (any idea what the name of that documentary was?).
I know I definitely have issues with letting my self-image affect how I react to other people. If someone ignores me, it must be because I'm fat. And if someone pays attention to me, he must either feel bad for me, be crazy and weird, or prefer someone else but would settle for me out of desperation (any of which would make me resent that person).
Even if there's a friend whose actions if described to a third party would seem like he's interested in me, I automatically define the situation as "we have this great connection and he would be interested if I were a normal size," and I make a big joke out of everything to avoid seeming like I have anything but platonic feelings. Like the other day, I said something to a close guy friend about there being a lot of cute girls in our town, and he said something sweet, and I made some joke and changed the subject.
I recognize that I'm not doing myself any favors by acting and thinking that way, but it's all I know how to do. Sometimes I'll resolve to start making more eye contact with people instead of always looking down or keeping the conversation going when people talk to me, but ultimately I always end up telling myself there's no point practicing now and I'll just wait until I lose the weight, even though Fat Girl Sanity 101 tells us not to wait for anything. *sigh*
Oh Kaplods! As ever you hit my nail on the head.
For so many years, I believed that anyone who showed any male interest in me had to be some weirdo.Gradually, I just decommissioned myself from the dating process. I tried one or two online sites but found only weirdos - some were, by any measure!, but probably some weren't.
36 - count them! 36 single years roll by, and I meet someone through work that I really get on with. I didn't find him weird; I did put him on hold for a coupe of weeks until the work I was doing with him was over (I needed to know that he wasn't just responding in a 'patient-falling-for-nurse'-type way).
I still struggle with the fact that I'm short and round and he's tall and 'average'. If we stand close together, we look like a lower case 'd'.
Despite different backgrounds and radically different relationship back stories, we just clicked. Of course, we're only 3 months into our relationship but we've shared a lot of intensities. If it should come to an end (see - I still have my insecurities!!), it will have been an enormous boost to my confidence that any man should have wanted me. Already, and from the first week of his interest, I began behaving differently to other people, men included, and have been getting positive responses back. I've not been flirting, just sending out 'self confidence' signals, and that seems to be very attractive.
Kaplods, thanks for telling your story here. I've picked up bits and pieces from other threads, but the details in this one were really helpful. You're absolutely right about perception and such (any idea what the name of that documentary was?).
No, I wish I did. I remember really liking the whole documentary, but the only part I remember clearly is the scenes about women making the first move. And while the documentary said it was true in most of the cultures they studied (so they thought it might be biological, especially since it's apparently true in much of the animal kingdom too when it comes to courting {though of course the courtship relationships of animals are tied directly to mating, not to dating which is only indirectly tied to mating, but regardless}... the male doesn't approach until the female signals she's ready... and pity the poor male who gets it wrong), I only remember the scenes from an American bar.
I would say that I started getting more attention when I was in my 180's but when I dropped to 160's I was getting a lot more attention. I don't know if it was because I was smaller, or if i just noticed it more, or because I was more confident? I think its kind of a mixture of all of those. But I do believe the more confident you are the more you attract guys, and this can be done at any weight but I was just not as confident at higher weights than I was when I was in the 160's.
I've been married for about a thousand years and my hubby would be ON ME 24/7 no matter what I weighed. The notion that a guy who's my friend when I'm fat would hit on me when I'm thin - wow go f**k yourself buddy LOL
I've also seen MANY women who are losing weight drop their guard, be less caustic, less sad, less depressed, less debbie-downer, and actually SMILE at the world and got a lot of that attention BACK to them. They think it's all weight related but I disagree -- confidence, smiles, outgoing personalities etc. attract the same back no matter what size.
The BEST thing that happened to me -- as a 45 year old woman who's been married, as stated, for a thousand years.... I was stopped at a spot police check for drunk drivers, this hottie 40ish year old officer leaned down said "Have you had anything to drink tonight?" I said "no sir" and he said 'WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET A DRINK TONIGHT?" hahah I nearly DIED!! told him I was married but that he made my year!
Gosh yes. Male attention from 300lbs to now. But at 300lbs I would sometimes perceive the male attention as a joke. Now I believe, because I feel beautiful, that the male attention is real.I get some corking comments
I met and married my DH (to whom I have also been married for a 1000 years) when I was around 200lbs. I subsequently put on 100lbs, and have now lost my weight and weigh 160lbs. He has never been able to keep his hands off me at any weight. He has always called me beautiful. Perception !
When did you start getting positive attention from the opposite sex?
and my hubby would be ON ME 24/7 no matter what I weighed. The notion that a guy who's my friend when I'm fat would hit on me when I'm thin - wow go f**k yourself buddy LOL 
when I was around 200lbs. I subsequently put on 100lbs, and have now lost my weight and weigh 160lbs. He has never been able to keep his hands off me at any weight. He has always called me beautiful. Perception !
