Oh my gosh
It sounds like you're stuck in a negative cycle and it's feeding a depression or something, which feeds in to the need to feed and so on. It's circular and tough to get out of!
I'd like to let you in on something. Not all skinny people are skinny because they're lucky. They have to work at it!
They have to think about what they eat and exercise! My very good skinny friend used to be fat. She weighs herself every day, eats healthy every day and exercises 3-4 days a week. She thinks about it, every day. There are plenty of skinny people who eat whatever they want and stay skinny, but there are plenty more who think about it and work hard
to maintain their beautiful skinniness.
My supervisor at work, you know she's never been fat? She says she's been the same weight her entire married life, around 30 years or something like that. She does it by weighing herself, and each time she gets above her weight by 4 pounds, she does what she calls a 3 day diet.
So you see, a lot of skinny-minnies work at it!
The idea of always thinking about food for a lifetime is daunting. Isn't it? To always think about what you eat and how much and what you weight... forever??? Seriously??? Having been up and down in my weight, gaining when I'm not dieting only to diet again, I am well aware of this. I'm up for the task. I swear, I will never do this again!
It sounds like you could use a little help. I'm glad you're here. What you're doing, I used to do too. I still do it sometimes- Eat junk when no one is around, and hide that I've done it. You sound like an alcoholic hiding your drink. I just wonder if you could use a little professional help in the way of counseling, just to try to break you out of the cycle.
The fact that you've come here and put it out there is huge
! You know what you're doing, and you realize you're doing it, you've put it out there and maybe you can get back on track and lose that weight again.