Feeling pathetic, ashamed, and fed up
I want to apologise in advance for this post! It's really negative and self-pitying, but I just want to get this stuff off my chest.
I've lost quite a bit of weight in the past (I was about 220lbs at my heaviest) and the last time I was regularly posting on 3FC, I was only a matter of pounds away from my initial goal weight of 150lbs. Over the past year, I've gained weight, and I can really notice it - I've probably about 15-20 pounds or so (I'm around 170lbs now). It makes me feel so depressed. I feel like it was quite tough to lose the weight, particularly when I got nearer my goal, and I am so disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get heavier again.
I just feel SO fed up with always having to think about my weight, food, my appearance, etc. I feel like for most of my adult life, there hasn't been a single day that's been totally free from thoughts about those sorts of things. I WISH I could just feel "normal" when it comes to food, rather than having to think about it all the time. I am tired and fed up of being unhappy with my appearance and worried about my health.
Sometimes I feel like I'm almost obsessed with food. I love eating and I seem to think about food so much of the time. It's got nothing to do with hunger, but more to do with the idea/taste/sensation of eating. For instance, I know my boyfriend will be really late home this evening and so we'll be eating dinner separately, and almost as soon as he mentioned this, my mind leapt to all of the junk/takeaway food that I could secretly eat because he was out of the house. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself - I would be so embarrassed if anyone knew that's how my mind worked. Ironically, I almost feel like this has spoiled my enjoyment of food sometimes, because I am so unhappy with my weight I feel guilty when I do (legitimately) enjoy a treat (e.g., a meal out with friends) - I know if I was healthier and ate well most of the time, I'd be able to enjoy these sorts of indulgences more fully. I've got other habits too - I try to avoid keeping unhealthy snacks in the house, but instead I just eat handfuls and handfuls of cereal every time I'm in the kitchen. Or sometimes, when I'm preparing dinner and about to serve up (i.e., I do NOT need to snack), I end up eating a huge slice of white bread slathered in butter - listening out to check that my boyfriend isn't about to come in, and hiding it in a cupboard if I hear him about to come into the kitchen. It's SO embarrassing and unecessary and I'd be mortified to be caught out.
I feel as though I am so feeble when it comes to being disciplined and consistent. For instance, I can eat pretty well, but then rather than saying no to a slice of cake for pudding in the evening, I'll eat it because it's there - knowing full well that the 300-400 cals it contains will just totally wipe out the calorie deficit I'd worked for that day, and any resulting weight loss. It would be fine if this happened occasionally (e.g., once a fortnight or so), but I feel so "stuck" at the moment with my weight because on one hand, I try to eat well, but I'm really not trying even a fraction hard as I know I could, and I keep wiping out any achievements I make by failing to say no to extra indulgences or bingeing on snacks because they're there - and this is happening more days than not.
I've been in this state of limbo for the past six months or so - feeling really unhappy with my weight gain, really noticing my weight gain in terms of how my clothes fit and the shape of my face - but at the same time, my motivation to actually be strict with myself has been appalling. It's even more galling because I know I've done it in the past and can do it again - I'm just struggling this time. It makes me feel so pathetic that I'm just not trying very hard, but at the same time, feeling unhappy and not really doing much to try to change that.
Sorry for such a rant - I don't mind at all if no-one reads this, I just wanted to get this off my chest!
major goals: healthy bmi @ 159 | original goal @ 150 | ultimate goal @ 138
stone goals: under 12 stone @ 167 | under 11 stone @ 153 | under 10 stone @ 139
c25k: completed! (started 30.08.10, finished 08.11.10)
30 day shred: level 1 day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | level 2 day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | level 3 day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10