I wanted to post about something that's been bugging me. Comments or advice would be helpful for me to make sense of it.
My weight hasn't gone up or down, but that's because I'm steadily staying at the same calories per day and not increasing exercise and because I've set aside the diet pills for a few days. This isn't bugging me. I know that I'll put more energy into my weight loss efforts once I get through this week's deadline.
The trouble is that I do tend to procrastinate and self-sabotage sometimes and I wonder if that's what I'm doing now by neglecting my diet and the other things in my life that are demanding my attention. My weight is tied into issues of control and so I think I need to make sense of this.
When I allow myself to become fat, I feel a little safer, like I'm armored. It keeps me at a distance from the rest of the world and I can blame my fat for my problems. I know this, so I'm trying to counter it. I started trying to work on my project which is due this week and which I'm afraid won't turn out well, but then I started avoiding it -- reading, drinking coffee, taking time to eat lots of little snacks that are not filling and that take up time to deal with, then eating something carb-heavy to feel less stressed out and then avoiding work. On top of that, going for a walk doesn't clear my head, just makes me more worried, so then I drink more coffee and tea, hoping the ritual will help and it's a big circle that gets me nowhere. Then, I try to bribe myself to stay at my desk and work with candy and chips. Bad. Very bad. I know this. It neither helps the problem, nor helps the weight problem. It's the candy that's the big issue. I will occasionally set aside candy in favor of fruit, but it sounds like I'm dealing with a sugar addiction.
Here's the second part. My marriage fell apart. I still love my estranged husband, I have a tiny sliver of hope left that our yeas together weren't an illusion and he just screwed up and will eventually do right by me and fix it, but 98% of me has lost faith. It's been six months since we separated and he's not remorseful for his behavior. Naturally, people I know (but who don't know me well enough to know what I'm going through) keep trying to set me up with other guys, which isn't really something I'm ready for, even if my EH cheated and abandoned me. I don't like this and I don't like the headspace it puts me in. If I'm tempted to go out with someone out of revenge for his cheating or because it might get me some attention, I feel guilty, or if I feel overly threatened by people suggesting things and don't know if I've done an adequate job or refusing what looks like a better situation than I'm in, I panic; as a result, I eat lots of calories fast (fried things, sugary things). It's kind of like...if I'm fat, people won't pay attention to me and I can be safe to figure out what I want, even safe from my own temptation. I don't think this in the moment, obviously, but, I have noticed the trend in my own behavior. I'm sure my husband doesn't care about me or else he'd be making an effort to fix this, so if I wanted to move on, it wouldn't be a betrayal, but I still love him so I feel guilty thinking this and I'll hide out in my room a lot and just eat chocolate and cry. Then, I think....hmmm, well, I haven't gained any weight so it's not a big deal, but really, I'm just preventing weight loss because I'm kind of afraid, I think. Hiding behind my fat seems to be my way of retreating from the world.
This is messed up. It sounds like some kind of stupid eating disorder or screwed up logic, but....if I don't deal with this, I don't think any weight loss journey will be effective for long because the issue will return.
11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.
Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday