I've been up and down with my weight for a long time. Goes back to some trauma issues I've got that I buried a little too deeply for my own good. Being big makes me feel like I've got presence and the fat feels like armor. Also, I can hide behind it and use it as an excuse to hide from life. Ridiculous, isn't it? I don't like this anymore, so I'm hoping to change it.
I've been on this forum for a while, but I veered away because life stuff got in the way. I'm a grad student, hoping to complete and defend my dissertation this semester. My husband (love of my life) cheated on me and we are now separated; he often cited my weight as a problem for him and justified his mistreatment of me and his cheating by saying that I deserved it for being fat. There are a lot of things I don't like about myself, but I accept most of them. The main one I don't accept is my weight and I've been wanting to get in shape for some time. So, instead of obsessing about my failing relationship, and worrying about failing out of grad school because I'm depressed, and eating to avoid dealing with my emotions, I'm trying to be honest and make a real effort.
I managed to lose about 28 pounds. Then, I gained 10 back because I fell into my old bad habits of eating candy and pasta to numb my emotions. I realized that I have to confront both demons at the same time or I won't succeed -- both my weight problem and my poor strategies at coping with depression need to be dealt with, like now. So....here I am, again.
I spend most of my time between Los Angeles and Houston. I'm hoping to chart my progress in this thread. I hope that's the best way to stay involved. Or, is it better to start new threads each time? Or, should we be doing that in a journal instead of a thread?
Anyway, hello again everyone! I'm starting at 176 today. I turn 34 tomorrow. My first mini-goal is to get to 166.