[RJ 1980]

No, being fat wasn't (isn't) fun. Definitely not. But... in a weird way it was, b/c I had no limits, no 'rules'. When I would go out somewhere, I would eat everything that looked delicious and drink whatever I wanted. It gave me a high- we all know that high! Even just sitting home and eating Chinese food, it was a good feeling. (AT THE TIME. Not later, when I felt disgusted and gross.) It was fun, indulgent and an 'escape' from the stress or boredom of the day.

I went to a family event last saturday night with the goal to indulge a little, but not binge and to stay AWARE of everything I put in my mouth. I ate a small amount of food and had a few glasses of wine. But I spent a lot of time running calories through my head, deciding what to skip and what to have, and keeping control, reminding myself to stay strong. It was quite frankly a huge buzzkill.

What the heck is wrong with me that I can't have a blast without eating and drinking with wild abandon? One should have barely anything to do with the other right? But it's apparently how I think. I think about the vacation I'm going on in a month, and if you told me I HAD to stay on plan, no eating anything 'bad' or drinking alcohol, I honestly wouldn't even want to go that much. How crazy is THAT??

I feel like in exchange for being thin (eventually), I'm giving up that high that binging gives me, and it kinda sucks. I'm also finding that my weight is being managed not by consistantly eating better, but by binge days vs. good days, and when good days win out I'll lose. That's the only way I'm losing weight.

I'm not saying I'm giving up, b/c I'm certainly NOT- I want to be healthy and thin and feel that confidence and contentment. But it seems my life has to be a lot different, and I've got to deal with that. It's hard.

Anyone else dealing with these feelings?

[mamakat]

I know that high! In fact I've been fighting for about 2.5 weeks now...like an addict. I want cake and I want it bad. It makes me feel so good...but it doesn't last Then I gotta deal with all the guilt and calories and carbs, I just figure it's not worth it.

I found a new high in exercise. It sounds weird (especially for me) but the energy and euphoria lasts a lot longer than cake ever did. I still want the cake though But it's not worth it for me.

I don't have social issues as I don't have friends or family outside my DH and kids. So I don't struggle with that. I did go to a company party last month and they had lots of cheesecake, thanks to DH. Everyone said "eat it's only once". But that one time is more like a week of guilt and self loathing of why did I do it, that's too heavy for me. I stress over too much as it is. Only the first 3 bites are good but I can never stop there so I don't even do it.

I feel for you especially because food and drink are so social, I hate that. But lets face it, walking in the park is harder to talk to friends than sitting in a restaurant. Any advice I give would be silly as I don't have that pressure. I can only say, I know how it feels to want the cake

[sontaikle]

Tell me about it.

Even though I have no restrictions in my calorie-counting (as long as it fits into my daily caloric intake) I sometimes miss being able to just eat without care. What I DON'T miss is the gross, bloated feeling I would get after eating. That (and the fact that I fit into a size 8 now!) keep me from going back to those habits. Even with this stopping me, I still sometimes wish I could go out to eat without looking at the calorie counts on the menu.

I don't know how I did it, but I seem to have permanently switched my brain into calorie counting mode. I don't (and never did) keep a food diary or write down calorie counts. Somehow I keep track of the day's count in my head all day! I can't seem to ever turn this "off" and I don't want to. This also keeps me from going overboard.

[tuende]

Originally Posted by mamakat

I know that high! In fact I've been fighting for about 2.5 weeks now...like an addict. I want cake and I want it bad. It makes me feel so good...but it doesn't last Then I gotta deal with all the guilt and calories and carbs, I just figure it's not worth it.

I found a new high in exercise. It sounds weird (especially for me) but the energy and euphoria lasts a lot longer than cake ever did. I still want the cake though But it's not worth it for me.

I could have written word for word exactly this. I don't have as much of an issue in social settings, but I have been having an extremely hard time thinking about how good it feels to just sit down and eat and eat and eat (I used to always do this alone, which is probably why social gatherings aren't my weakness). This feeling comes and goes, but it's been really strong the last week or so, like I'm constantly fighting it. I try to remind myself how self-destructive this is, but that immediate gratification, that "high" is a powerful thing.

With the exercise, I almost feel like I've traded one obsession for another. I absolutely love it, do it a lot and feel like I can't get by without it. Maybe it's an upgrade from massive eating, but I'm not going to lie, I get pretty pissed if I can't get to the gym or if I - heaven forbid- miss my spin class!

So I'm working on finding the balance...

[EagleRiverDee]

OH I totally know what you mean. I read these stories about women who just cut out soda and they lose all the weight, or whatever. I'm not like that. I have hypothyroidism and I have to avoid things that other people are able to eat/drink with abandon and never have problems. I can't have dairy, alcohol or coffee (and I LOVE coffee). I'm supposed to eat a very strict diet that is allergen free (to keep my body from attacking my thyroid). When I follow it to a T, I lose weight and feel good physically...but sometimes I just get MAD. Why can other people have coffee and not me? Why can other people have a drink and not me? Why do some people get to eat pizza whenever and they stay skinny? It doesn't help that my husband doesn't do ANYTHING and simply stays lean and muscular. He eats what he wants, guzzles coffee, doesn't exercise, and looks great.

[Lovely]

Yeeep. Been there.

There was definitely a freedom and pleasure that came from picking out whatever I wanted to eat at that moment and just eating it in any amount.

The price was just too high, though.

For me, at least, it occasionally means I have to look at it like an addict might. Other people get to look at food normally. They don't have to think too hard about it, they just take what they want and naturally cut back when they need to.

I'll never be "normal" when it comes to food. So, I'll be abnormal, and I'll measure and weigh and consider, and I'll look for joys in other things beyond food.

[PreciousMissy]

Originally Posted by mamakat

I know that high! In fact I've been fighting for about 2.5 weeks now...like an addict. I want cake and I want it bad.

My naturally skinny (grrr) boyfriend had a hard time trying to understand why I couldn't have just a bite of cake when I decided to change my eating habits, and that's exactly how I explained it to him!!

You wouldn't offer a recovering alcoholic a sip of wine. If I have one bite of cake, then I want a piece of cake, and it all goes downhill from there.

I miss the high, too....a lot!

[mzKiki]

WOW! I had this same thought Sunday as I grocery shopped with my pregnant sister We were in the chip aisle and I really wanted something and I thought back to when I used to eat whatever I wanted and it was "fun" for the moment. But then I thought about trying on clothes and not being able to fit things in my closet, feeling exhausted after doing the laundry and suddenly it doesn't seem like it was much fun after all.
Over eating is just like any other addiction. I imagine recovering drug addicts have these same self defeating thoughts.
It wasn't fun it was an addiction and always will be I imagine. I just think about how much better I look and Feel!

[gagalu]

i like micro-managing, so the calorie counting process hasn't put a damper on any of my fun. it's just other people badgering me about it and insisting that i eat more or that my serving size is too small even though theirs is too large. that's the part that sucks. i hate being constantly hounded about every little thing i put on my plate.

[indiblue]

For me, food is about culture. I live overseas (in India) so skipping food or opting for certain options over others (which generally means the less authentic option) is about missing out on experiences and culture.

I constantly have to battle with what to skip out on- calories or culture? And culture is fun- trying new things, new flavors, new experiences.

So I get the frustration. It's tough

[JingerBird]

I am new to this site. I joined to further my motivation. My binges were never fun but I do miss the pleasure of eating things like chocolate and cream cakes. I have found a new high.
I never thought that exercise would be my thing but I bought a cross trainer 2 weeks ago and at first, I could only manage 5 minutes at a time. Last night I managed 35 minutes. I am still buzzing about it this morning. Far longer than any slice of chocolate cake buzz would last. I have told everyone about my achievement. Most people don't seem impressed but.... I DID IT!

[Rubiehart]

I always say I am one cheeseburger away from a downhill spiral back to morbid obesity. :/

[lin43]

I know what you mean. I'm trying to find a balance between eating for pleasure and eating moderately. I know that some say we should treat food as fuel but food is such a major part of life that I cannot just consider it in that utilitarian way.

[JayEll]

When an addict is in early recovery, life definitely is not fun for awhile. If someone is dependent on something in order to feel good, or "get high," then it takes time for the brain and body to adjust when that something is removed.

I enjoy exercise and physical activity, but I have no desire to become an "exercise addict," replacing one addiction with another. Moderation seems to be the key for that as well as for dealing with food. I don't believe there is such a thing as "healthy addiction."

You'll find that you develop new interests and uncover real feelings once you get away from overindulging as the only way to have fun. You may find that you're interested in vacation because of what you'll see and the activities you'll do, aside from the food and drink that used to be your focus. And you may find that you change the kind of friends you have.

Hang in there.
Jay

[twinmommaplusone]

I get my high from Running and making progress!

I get my high from watching my muscles come in!

This lifestyle should be easy, should be fun.

Time to get excited my dear! Time to reap what you sow, Go shopping and get sexy in your new skin, Go make a healthy dessesert that puts the biggest smile on your face.

Next you go to that party, plan ahead and bring an amazing yummy snack for you! That way you can enjoy the people around you. That is anyways the best part.