I am 47, my mother is 68. Yet, at times she can put me right back to childhood with her cutting comments.
She has always been very small. I used to be quite thin, then I gained and gained. Now I am considerably smaller. Mom tends to make a few compliments toward me and then throws a barb in there. Like a compliment wrapped in an insult. It always throws me off guard and then I sit here for hours obsessing over what I should have said or whether I should bring it up next time I talk with her.
Today she said "you look really great, however you will never be a really skinny person, no matter what anyone says, you just aren't built that way".
GULP! Why on earth would a mother say anything like that to their daughter? She has done this my entire life. The other day I told her I was going to send her a pair of size 6 shorts that were given to me, but they are too small for me. She said "oh, if someone sent them to you thinking they would fit you, no way will they fit me". As if I am gigantor or something??
I am getting mad just sitting her retyping these things. I guess I just needed to rant here. As usual, I'll get over it. She's the only mother I have. Anyone else have these issues and what do you do to keep from screaming at your mother?
I try not to give advice, so instead I tell parts of my story. It may inspire or give hope.
I have mom issues too... It's getting better. There as been weigth comments, household keeping comments, comments on my values and so on. Indeed, like you, I have only one mom, however, even if I should honor her, I don't have to stay by her side while she hurts me...
I use to keep it all for myself, but now I tell her when she hurts me. Last time, I told her by e-mail. I was so surprised from her response, she said she was sorry, and that she didn't intend to do me wrong. That's NEW!!! I few years ago whe would of put the blame on me...
Now, from my point of view not only do you look great, but your are a hero! One hundred and one pounds lost! WOW and REWOW!
I forgot to mention that I start feeling better when I tried to stop to get my mothers appreciation or approval, understanding that that was almost impossible and too much effort.
I think you look fantastic. I think sometimes you just have to shrug off what other people say and just be comfortable in your own skin. What you weigh now is my goal weight, and I'll be thrilled when I hit no matter what anyone says after that!
My grandmother (93) treats my mother (65) like dirt. It has gotten even worse as she's gotten older, as she is even less likely to censor her comments now. My mother is college-educated, intelligent, successful, married well (and is still married to my father - 43 happy years), and produced two phenomenal (if I do say so myself) children. My grandmother is jealous of my mother.
I bet yours is jealous of you as well.
I'm sorry.
20togo...thank you for sharing your story. My mother has tons of issues. She is weight phobic, and what I mean by that, is that she is literally afraid of overweight people. Or, at least she talks as if she is. When I was obese for years, she acted afraid of me. She would say very unkind things about other people's weight who were smaller than me, while I was present. It was very hurtful. I did write her a letter one time (big chicken that I am, I didn't dare to just come right out and say it to her face), laying out exactly what she did and said that hurt me. She was better for a while, although she never apologized. Then, it's as if she forgets again and starts all over. I know at her age she's not going to change, so I am going to have to change the way I react to what she says.
eagleriver-thank you very much for your uplifting words. It really isn't that I don't normally feel good about my weight loss or achievements, it's just that a girl needs their mother's approval, no matter their age. It kills me when she does and says this type of stuff.
fatburner-I hear ya. My grandmother was also very mean to her daughters. She was obviously jealous as well. Even though I understand that's where my mother got this behavior from, it is still so hard, at times, to put up with. How does your mother deal with her mother?
Last edited by milmin2043; 08-15-2011 at 08:17 PM.
Hey girl I totally understand. I grew up with a very similar mother (are you sure we aren't long lost sisters? LOL) I've come to realize my mother is narcissistic. Take a look at this site it's really helped me to become more AWARE of where my mother is at.
Don't blame yourself, it's nothing that you did. Sometimes they just don't know to praise you, they never have. There is nothing wrong with you, you did an amazing job, your a beautiful women with great motivation and thrist for health, happiness and a long life. You can't imagine your mother saying this to you because you aren't the same as her. You have a softer spirit. So hold your head high girl, take what she says with a grain of salt. I know how hurtful it can be, it totally does make you feel like that child again, but that's the inner child seeking acceptance from a mother who's simply might not be capable of giving you what you need. Hugs!
My best friend is a life coach and she has given away so many copies of this book she should probably have bought stock! "Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life" by Susan Forward. It has some really great strategies for when you need them.
My Dad is the one with the comments. And coincidentally, he's narcissistic too.
I know he's the only Dad I'll ever have but that's not a reason to let him keep on with his rudeness.
He's even gone on like "This is the way I am... the way I am made." And I was like "What? Fobbing off the responsibility of good manners on other people so you don't have to control yourself? Puhleez."
I can't control him or MAKE him be polite. But I can control how I react to his nutty.
One day when I was visiting I just said the topic was no longer up for discussion (my weight) and next time I was just going home. So I went. Didn't even see my mom because she was in the shower. I told her I'd visit next week as usual, I wasn't mad, but I meant it. The topic was not up for discussion and I'd just go home if he brought it up.
Haven't had issues since. Other issues yeah, but not on that one.
challenged (alot of time abusive)relationship with mom here too...and her mom as well.. jeez one big inter-generational fcked up party! I want to break the cycle with my own children..
I've had years of therapy trying to understand my relationship with my mother and father.. had the lowest self-esteem..zero confidence and ballooned to obeseness..
I feel your pain..hugs.
Remember your beauty..your strength and you have come a long way..You have the strength to find your voice..
I want to read that book, Lucky72 suggested..
Last edited by SLIMplicity; 08-15-2011 at 09:47 PM.
Mom tends to make a few compliments toward me and then throws a barb in there. Like a compliment wrapped in an insult.
Today she said "you look really great, however you will never be a really skinny person, no matter what anyone says, you just aren't built that way".
GULP! Why on earth would a mother say anything like that to their daughter? She has done this my entire life.
Anyone else have these issues and what do you do to keep from screaming at your mother?
Yeah, been there, done that. I'm 48 & my mom is 74. I like your analogy of "compliment wrapped in an insult" cause that's exactly how it is. My mom doesn't stop at the weight thing, tho. It's EVERYTHING about me. Here's some doozies she's commented on...
I often wear my hair in braids, esp. in the summer when I ride with my convertible top down... it is PERFECT convertible hair - and I go to visit mom (she lives 6 hours away! so I don't visit too often!) What do I get? "Why you wear your hair like that? It's stupid. You look like a little kid. But I guess if it's easier to take care of..."
"Why do you keep getting so many tattoos? You look like a gang banger, but I guess if that's what you want to do with your money..."
"You're so smart. It's a shame you quit college, just think what kind of life you could have had!" (WTF???)
Oh, here's a lovely barb! - I was pregnant and had just gotten a cute little puppy a few months before I found out about my pregnancy. When I called to tell Mom that she was going to be a grandma, what did she say? "Oh my, what are you going to do now? I guess you'll have to get rid of THAT DOG." And I lost the baby at 12 weeks, and what did she say when I called to tell her that news? "Well at least you get to keep your dog."
As far as my weight goes, ALWAYS some good conversations there.
"You look like you've lost weight! How long you think it'll be before you gain it back this time?"
"You've gained weight again. You should probably just accept the fact that you're never going to be that skinny thing you were in high school and quit dieting yourself to death."
"I love that sweater! But your butt is too big for those jeans."
"You have such a pretty face, but don't you think a different hairstyle would slim your cheeks down a bit?"
So - what do I do to keep from screaming at my mother? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I have taken to saying "that topic is off-limits!" sometimes followed with a "and you wonder why I rarely visit you?" and quite often topped off with a "why don't you learn how to give a compliment & then just shut up?"
I know my mom loves me. And I love her. But I swear... I don't like her very much most of the time, & we seem to get along better since I moved over 300 miles away 18 years ago. And that's just the way it is.
Who knows why some mothers are this way , mine deff goes like this sometimes.
Duno why, but ive just learned to ignore it as i dont even think she realises she does it.
But ive come to conclusion its her prob not mine.
Few things thats happend is her comments to other people like my BF, when ive been out the room shes said things like "shell never lose weight" or "i duno why shes exercising for shell always be big" or there has been some one call me beautiful and shes said to them "yeah but she needs to lose weight" rubbish like that ........but yet she never says it to my face ........but i know she would have said it. We have a very rocky realtionship. Its like im her sister not her daughter,but i refuse to let her bother me..........just let it go over your head and focus on yourself x
Thank you for all of your responses and sharing your stories.
There are some messed up parents out there, huh?
Another question for all of you...I know that what we weigh is totally in our own control, I get that, but does anyone ever feel that they are overweight due to a parent's remarks?
It's so sad that so many people have this problem with their moms, or dads! I love how astrophe handled it!!
My mom is also a fat fearing narcissist. She was always afraid of becoming fat, herself, fad dieting her whole life to keep herself thin. She always has something to say about fat people, and the fact that I, and my sister became fat was a huge disappointment for her. She's very much in to image and how people perceive her. She always had a huge butt and saddle bags, which is funny, for all of her efforts. She's petite, and now she's super skinny, and just doesn't look healthy.
Anyways, I always felt like her need to give me her clothes that she didn't want anymore was a personal dig. "Here, have this. Will it fit you?" First of all, I'm not 5 feet tall. I'm much taller, and could wear petite clothes only if I wanted to sport that Urkel look. I was also, quite obviously, not a size 4 of 6 or 0 or whatever she was at the time, the last time she decided to clean out her closet for me. I was a 14, and pushing my way out of it. I know she wasn't blinded by love. She knew. I don't understand her motivation. I just took the clothes and donated them.
I stopped reacting to her a long time ago as I realized she's just batchit crazy. She always fed off of the reaction too. It's a control thing. I don't give her the control, I don't react, and that's when her behavior changes. For her, that's what works. It's better not to give her anything to feed off of.
Thank you for all of your responses and sharing your stories.
There are some messed up parents out there, huh?
Another question for all of you...I know that what we weigh is totally in our own control, I get that, but does anyone ever feel that they are overweight due to a parent's remarks?
Oh gosh much of my weight gain, self esteem (or lack there of) has been a journey on me finding myself on the inside (hence my name) My mother was very abusive growing up, not only verbally and emotionally but physically as well. My nickname was "FATS" in the family, she always made me eat my sister's food and her regular comment to me was "you have such a pretty face if you only lost weight" My father chimmed in with her. There was much pent up anger towards my family since I never got my emotional needs met. Even to this day they can't do that, it is why I have realized I can still love them for their souls, but I don't have to like their behaviour. Many ways I coped as a child from the lack of emotional support was through food. I went from being a very skinny kid at the age of 6 to tripling my weight by the time I was 8. My mother even put me on diets at the age of 8 and would make me sit at the dinner table watching the family eat a "yummy" meal while I sat there with basically nothing on my plate. So many deep scars triggered me into anorexia/bulima as a teen and only when I was mere size 5 my mother seemed to be happy that I represented an image she thought was acceptable. The moment I gained she turned. However now it's different, she won't say anything about my weight loss but pick at my other "imperfections" like my lips are chapped. If I call her on it I'm being overly sensitive. I have learned that if people in your life that mean anything to you (blood or not) if they don't validate your feelings and they would rather minimize them then that is a form of abuse because they are not willing to HEAR me, understand me and work on it with me. I have only found that in my girlfriend (partner) and some really close friends. So yes I totally believe that growing up in home where most of your emotional needs aren't meant do effect your self perception of you on the inside and we manifest our belief on the outside. That's my belief. It's taking the time to heal the wounded inner child, the child that wants acceptance and to be seen and heard by the mother they never knew. What I have learned is to give that to my inner child myself, that she will get acceptance from me now and nobody else. It helps me release the expectations I WANT from my mother. I'm 34 now, she has never given me what I have needed, will she change? I doubt it, I'm hanging onto a child's dream of hope and wishful thinking that it will happen. If it does GREAT! If not, I have set boundaries of the type of behavious I tolerate to keep my inner child and my emotional health safe and in tact. It isn't easy, yes I still get hurt, deeply too, and it's a process just like weight loss, but in the long run I'm healthier in all aspects, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, because now when she hurts me I don't stuff chocolate cake down my throat. Hugs!
Why Can My Mom Always Kill Me With her Words?
And I lost the baby at 12 weeks, and what did she say when I called to tell her that news? "Well at least you get to keep your dog." 
