[sweetemotion]

Hey guys... I really don't know if this is something anyone can help me with but I just need to get it out, sorry it's so long...

I just feel sooo helpless lately, I feel like I'm out of control. I am constantly in a binging mindset, even if I'm not constantly shoving food in my face I am ALWAYS thinking about it, I am craving a million different things ALL THE TIME. I am scared to go to the grocery store because everytime I go it's a huge battle with myself not to buy bags and bags of junk, even if I make a list. I will go and like walk through the bakery section (my biggest weakness) or the snack food aisle and literally be fighting with myself inside my head, thinking "I don't need this" "ooh, but that looks so good..." and almost every time I go I end up with something that's awful for me that I devour in one sitting. I am so disgusted with myself. Today I feel like I have done nothing except for eat, because I've been alone in the apartment all day. I even made myself throw up because I was so disgusted with myself for the amount of crap I ate... I'm not bulimic, I've never done that before, I was just so grossed out by myself.

I feel like I will never be able to lose the weight, not only because of the crap I eat, but also because I find it so difficult to make myself exercise, it is another mental battle that I have with myself, that I almost always lose. Whenever I do go it's because I force myself to get my workout clothes/running shoes on even while I'm having this mental battle, so that eventually I'm ready to go and it's not worth not going.

My mom always says I must not want to lose weight badly enough or I would just do it, but I feel like that can't be true because I want it sooo bad, and I have so many reasons... and I'll go through periods where I do so well and I'm on track and I'll lose a couple pounds but I ultimately end up defeating myself... it's like as soon as I set my mind to losing weight it suddenly becomes a struggle and that's when my mind is consumed with food and stuff.

I am just so sick of this, I feel so defeated and my self image is taking a serious blow. When I was in my teens I wasn't skinny but I was fit, and I have 4 siblings who are all very good looking. I look at myself now and I want to cry at what I've let myself become, and as much as I tell myself I'm not ugly and I am a person who is worth knowing, I don't really believe it. I limit myself so much in social circles lately because deep down I don't really think people want to be friends with someone who looks like me. Whenever I'm with my friends and we meet new people I keep my mouth shut because I feel like they have no interest in talking to me, they are only there for my friends. I don't talk to guys at all, because the type of guy I'm attracted to are fit, healthy guys and I know that those type of guys are attracted to fit, healthy girls (which I don't blame them at all for - if that's what I like how can I blame them for wanting the same?). There are so many activities that I love and so many that I would love to try, that I would never attempt in a million years now because of my weight. On the inside, I am an active, athletic girl who loves to try new things and who loves to do stuff outside, but I feel like who I am has been so STIFLED by the weight I allowed myself to gain.

Thanks if you read all of this, like I said, I just needed to get it out... I feel so helpless and discouraged...

[xxkaleidoscopic]

First of all, I'm posting to let you know that someone out there read this, and that you are not alone, and that you don't have to feel this way. I just want to reach out so you never feel that this was ignored.

I don't know what your income is like, or what resources you have available to you, but if you can, I would highly recommend seeking counseling. The problems I see here that are most concerning is that you are attaching your self-worth to your weight, and you have eating disordered thoughts, both in that you are consumed by thoughts of food, and in that you forced yourself to vomit, even if this was only the first time. Every bulimic or purger has a first time. I'm not saying you will get into that practice, and I hope you do not, but that is a risk.

You have to first accept that your weight does not determine your worth. You have friends and I'm sure people approach you. When they do, don't analyze why, or assume they don't want to talk to you. Be yourself, as you are - the adventurous, athletic girl inside of you. You will struggle with weight loss as long as you are doing it because you hate yourself, instead of because you love yourself.

[KawaiiCandie]

that's good advice there.

also i wanna tell you you're not alone. i have a lot of the same issues with bingeing... i don't really know how to make myself stop or stick with it for any amount of time. it's sad.

i think talking to people about it does help though. and yeah, if you can afford it, definitely get help.

but like the previous person said though, don't let your weight determine your self-worth. you can be "fat" and still be beautiful and loved.

hang in there!

[pixelllate]

What helps me
1.)Accept that you have a craving. There is no fighting it-it exists.
2.)Accept that you can't have all you want. You can have a slimmer figure and all the good things associated with it, and you can eat all that you want in all the quantities that you want-but you can't have it all. Your mom is wrong. Even if you continue to eat too much, you can still want a slimmer body a lot. But you have to choose what you want more-so that you can satisfy one of your wants, which can either be to satisfy your cravings or be thinner.
Its just choosing what you want and following it through to get there, even if you have cravings the whole time (Maybe some people can overcome cravings with food substitutes, but personally, I just have plain cravings to eat a ton of high calorie food that substitutes will not satisfy)

[pinksparkles]

I think we've all been where you are right now. No one has ever said losing weight is easy, and starting is definitely the hardest part. Having the strength to come here and reach out to us is really a good first step, though.

I agree with everyone else's suggestions of getting someone to talk to. If you feel like you can't relate to your family about issues like this, maybe confiding in a friend who is also looking to lose weight might be an idea? It really does make things a lot easier to have a support system when beginning a journey like this.. and that's what we're all here for at 3FC.

I wish you the best of luck with getting over this mental block, though. Keep pushing, because I know you can do this. You just have to believe.

[mamamorgan]

There are some great suggestions here. I also am just replying to let you know that someone out there is listening and that there are others that can relate (somewhat if not completely). I don't experience binging but when I eat a complete meal i.e. dinner (such as chicken and some veggies), I feel gross afterwords. I wanna throw it all up, but I never have and I won't. I feel fat for eating in general, anytime food crosses my lips but I know I have to eat correctly to lose any weight at all. I try to talk to my boyfriend and my best friend as much as possible about the food/weight/the way I feel when I eat. If I don't talk about it I will always battle food for the rest of my life. Both of them make me feel so much better when I get to feeling this way (i.e. I feel like crap because I feel full, meaning I ate alot and I wasn't suppose too, even though it was a balanced and well portioned meal). Get out the way you are feeling to as many people as you possibly can, even if that means a counselor. I have considered one but don't know financially if I could afford it. So one way I have coped is exercising. When I feel heavy and full after dinner, I go for a 20 minute walk and it makes me feel a lot more relieved. It also gives me time to clear my head and remind myself, that I am not gross, I just ate a great meal that is good for me, and I am doing what is right.

[sweetemotion]

Thank you all for responding, it means a lot. I think I probably have some prety deep rooted issues with food/self esteem, and that counselling wouldn't be a bad thing, but I feel really uncomfortable with the idea and I definitely don't have the money for that I think you're right about attaching my self-worth to my weight though, I never really thought about that before... I think it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I see my being overweight as a failure, and failure of any kind tends to make me feel horrible about myself. It's hard because I don't really feel like I can talk to any of my friends and family about this, I feel like explaining how I feel and the struggles I have would just make people think I was a freak. I guess that's why it's so awesome to have a forum like this with people who get it.

Thanks again for all the support and encouragement... I feel more "stable" (for lack of a better word) and on track now. I think I just need to face the fact that this is gonna be a battle for me, and I just have to tell myself "no" as many time as it takes, as well as making exercise a non-negotiable for myself. I've had a good day today as far as food and exercise, so hopefully I will be able to stay on track and make this work for the long term.

<33

[LiLLy19]

I actually find myself thinking about food A LOT too.....after I eat breakfast Im thinking about lunch, after lunch thinking about a snack, after snack thinking about dinner and over and over again every day. Sometimes I seriously think Im obsessing over it. But honestly when Im really craving something then I have it, not a lot of it but some of it. The other day my mom brought donuts over, so I had half a donut and it satisfied my sweet tooth without hitting me too much in the calories.

Losing weight is definitely an ongoing battle, and sometimes you're just going to lose and have to get back up again. Just keep in mind to not let one loss cause you another loss and another.

[fuct]

I can relate to so many of this things you say. I always self-sabotage, so I must not want it bad enough right? So wrong. I want this more than anything, it's just really difficult for me to say no to the food. I've started this time around by not making a big deal out of my diet. I've not binged for a week now, and I think not telling anybody I was trying to lose helped, as there is less pressure. I don't obsess over food throughout the day, instead I replace those thoughts with listening to music, thinking about things I'll be able to do when I lose weight, and I find reading through the old mini-goals threads helps keep me motivated as to what I can look forward to.
I find drinking cold water when I feel a binge coming on helps.. Once you manage to stay binge free for a little while, and you see the losses, you'll be so motivated to stay on plan. I get mad cravings but I just tell myself that I'm NOT putting all that work to waste.. though I'm craving junk right now, actually. Just say no!

[sweetemotion]

LiLLy19, that's exactly how I am, constantly thinking about my next meal... I wish I had that kind of self control though, lol... my issue is that if I was craving donuts I would probably eat half the package! Not sure how to develop that kind of restraint. Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes it is just a lost cause and if they're there, they'll be eaten. It makes me feel pathetic that I have so little self control.

fuct, the things you mentioned are things I've started to do as well, I find so many people here sooo inspirational, I love seeing people's results because it makes me feel like it might actually be possible. I can't wait til I get to see some changes in myself, I know it will be a huge motivator!

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words!! I think being able to get it out and hearing people's advice and kind words has been a huge help.

[LiLLy19]

Self-control was really hard for me too.....but now I view it all in terms of calories and what foods will provide me with the best amount of nutrition for the least amount of calories. The less I eat junk, the less I crave it. Plus if I eat junk then I wont have energy for excercise and excercise makes me feel good But honestly you have to give things up, and struggle with giving them up in order to break old habits.