Do you ever have people assume things about you because of your size or because they know you've changed the way you eat?
I used to have a boss who would treat me like I'm fat. Which I am, but am fully capable of doing most anything. She would jump up and offer to carry this or that like I would fall over dead if I did it myself.
I also had a friend who assumed I wouldn't go into the pool with my kids. I'm guessing because she didn't think I would wear a suit.
I then had a friend who knows I'm counting calories. Our families went out to BJs Pizza and she texted me and said they have small/lite portions available. I wrote back and said I was planning on eating pizza, just less of it. Then came dessert.Our kids had it and so did our husbands. I don't care for the dessert there, but planned on getting something somewhere else (250 cal. or so). Well she had a few bites of her husband's dessert. I didn't bother me, for my plan was not to deprive myself. Late that evening she emails me apologizing for eating a dessert in front of me. She didn't want to tempt me. Very nice, but then I felt silly.
I don't want to talk to be treated differently because of my weight. Now my friend was trying to be nice and encourage me and I know after you read my other post you'll think there is no pleasing me. : ) I really just want to be supported. I dont' want anything pointed out.
OK, venting over. Tomorrow will be a great day! Not sure how, but it will!
I hesitate to tell anyone that I'm trying to lose weight or whatever because I find that people tend to behave very strangely. It's like they are not sure what to say or do because they don't want to offend me. Here's the deal, I know I'm fat, I'm trying to do something about it, I don't need to be coddled. You shouldn't be rude but it doesn't require tiptoeing. I am not made of glass.
And yes, I can do *most* things everyone else can. I can't ride on a rollercoaster, but I can do any light to moderate physical activity and keep up with everyone else for the most part.
Another reason why I don't like to tell people I am losing weight is that I feel more self-concious around them. I know they are watching me closer than they may have otherwise and while that might be good motivation to stay on plan, it's also just frustrating if you are off plan and people are coming up and asking how it's going, ask if I've lost weight, etc, and I just say... well, no...
No one treated me differently before - I think because my top weight of about 250 didn't really limit what I could do. I went to amusement parks and rode everything. I chaperoned all my DD's school trips (22 hours each way to Disney with 3 bus loads of band members and their families is NOT for sissies!) I have a kayak that I load onto the roof of my car and put in and out of the water by myself. It's NOW that sometimes makes me crazy.
"Oh, sorry about this cake. Will you ever be able to eat some again?"
Answer: "I could eat some right now if I WANTED to."
"I made lasagna - you can eat this, right?"
Answer: "I eat anything I want - I just want smaller portions now."
"Aren't you afraid of all the calories in regular salad dressing?"
Answer: "Does it look like using regular dressing has hurt my progress?"
"Boy, it must be rough depriving yourself all the time."
Answer: "Who said anything about feeling deprived? I'd feel really lousy if I keep killing myself with my fork, one bite at a time."
I think it's like when you tell people you have a problem they never faced. Sick parent, loss of a job, leaky basement. Whatever. They have a hard time relating and don't know what the proper reaction might be. I just try to cut them some slack. Except in the case of the salad dressing comment - it came from someone who was still the size I used to be who is always going to "go on a diet soon." I just said, "If fat free salad dressing is your diet strategy, you probably need to re-think it. Only one of us has lost any weight since Christmas." Mean? Maybe, but it was deserved. Just hang in there. They don't know what they're saying.
I personally think what your friend did, (checked in advance for a diet friendly menu and apologize for eating dessert in front of you) IS being supportive. I really don't see anything unsupportive about it...I wish I had a friend like that. Many of my "old friends" hated when I lost weight and said and did everything they could to make me feel guilty about it. (These friends have now totally abandoned me....thankfully.)
I just have to ask this... I see you have lost 26 pounds now. Has anyone noticed? If so, have they said things like, you look nice, or you're doing a good job? Does that make you mad too or do you like to hear it? Sometimes people just don't know what the right thing to say or do is. It's hard being around people who carry their emotions on their sleeve.
Your post struck a nerve with me - I get so annoyed when people try to be "helpful" - I feel like they are imposing their views of what I should be doing on me, and pointing out my fatness to me when it's something I'm already aware of. My weight loss is because of specific changes that I've made based on what works for me, a lot of which involves NOT feeling deprivation. For me, what works is having a bite or two of dessert sometimes if it keeps me from feeling deprived and wanting something else later as a result of that deprivation. And I don't want to be judged for that. What works for me is having the cheese and toppings off pizza from a regular menu, not ordering things off the "lite" menu (which can be higher carb etc.)
While a friend's intent may be to be helpful, I often find it kind of smug and self-righteous, if I'm going to be honest, and sometimes it feels passive aggressive to me instead of supportive. In any case, I find it presumptuous - somebody assuming that what works for them re: weight loss is what works for me.
Just my 2 cents...
My friend was being VERY supportive! She is wanting to do anything to help me. She is a sweetheart. However, it can be too much as well. I just want to be treated like anyone who is at a healthy weight. Let me do my thing. I wouldn't mind talking about it if she were chunky too, but she's not and never has been. Just be there (if that makes sense).
If I carried my emotions on my sleeves everyone would know what I think and feel all the time. I just save it for this forum instead.
Oh, I've been away for LOOOOONG TIME! But this thread is the perfect one to return with.
I was diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes in April. I've lost 20lbs since diagnosis and am wearing a size 14 for the first time since high school. Talk about people wanting to "help". When most people have NO idea what I can/can't eat. Coworkers also apologize to me, just because I have it. My staff is sweet and means well but they don't get it.
But what struck me about this post was the idea that us big girls can't "do" the things thin people do. And my favorite thing to do when people treat me differently because of my disease (which I'm very open about) or weight loss or being overweight, is to talk about last night's bike ride or walk. BF are training for 5k walks in September and November, as well as a metric century (62 miles) bicycle ride next summer (2012). All are charity events and we are very excited about doing them. So a conversation might be:
Me: So, did you have a nice evening last night?
Coworker: Yeah, had dinner and dessert out. Then watched ****** on tv.
Me: Oh, nice.
Coworker: So, what did you do last night?
Me: Uh, made dinner (list the amazing low-carb meal I had) and then a bike ride.
Coworker: Oh, that's nice. Do you just ride around town?
Me: No, last night was an endurance training ride. 24 (or 26 or 30) miles this time. (Alternative might be "We walked 4 miles, with extra hills)
Coworker: Oh my...seriously? You ride your bike 24 miles?
Me: Yup. Felt great. Butt's a little sore today.
Coworker: I think I'd die if I rode more than 2 miles. Um...well, uh...good for you!
The looks on people's faces when they find out that this big girl could kick most of their butts walking or cycling is just priceless.
Keep it up, ladies. Let's show these doubters what we're made of!
I get irritated when I share my weight loss with one of the few people who know that I'm losing weight, and instead of congratulating me, they start moaning about how they need to lose weight. Almost like I'm trying to make THEM feel bad. Not so!
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes people want to support you but don't know how. Sometimes even *I* don't know how I want to be spoken to.
I want my fat to be a non-issue. Not how large I used to be, how much smaller I am now, how much smaller I'm going to get in the future, on and on ad infitum.
I want people to notice I'm down nearly 50 freaking pounds, but, on the other hand I don't. I don't want a big deal made out of it, I don't want attention drawn to it, and I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want people to food-police me, but on the other hand, it would be nice if those around me would refrain from eating/offering things that tempt me.
You see what I mean? When I'm this conflicted, how can someone else know how to talk to me?
Goodforme...Yes, that is what I was trying to say to Curve. We can't have it all ways. We can't expect people to totally butt out of our "diet", and still compliment us on our successes.
I've heard it all since I have been a member here at 3FC. People don't want anyone to mention their "diet" but then get upset when no one mentioned their weight loss. Or they get mad if people compliment them, or don't like the way people compliment them... I mean, every single person is different and we all like different things. It is just so incredibley hard to know what to say or do, and I'm a fat chick!.
Since being a member here I have had a few friends lose some weight. After reading how people here react to comments or compliments, I have walked on pins and needles around them. Do I compliment them and risk them getting mad? (you know, because if I tell them they look good it MUST mean I'm insinuating they looked like crap before.) Do I have a dinner party and not ask them to come because I might not be able to read their minds and know what types of sood they can eat? What if they are low carbing...or low fating...WW...calorie counting. I can't guess and I'm not going to make 20 different items that no one will eat, but if I ask it might offend them... Why does this have to be so hard.
I'm a fat chick at heart and I'm scared to death to offer support to most people because no matter what a person says or does, it's never right.
I agree that although your friend was trying to be supportive, it's kind of a silly way to do it. I mean does she think you're really not capable of figuring out what to eat on the menu? Or that no one is ever going to eat dessert in front of you again? Like others this is why I never shared I was losing weight....I don't want to be treated differently. When people started to notice I got TONS of attention, which was nice but even that was a bit much! Unless your friend is also trying to lose weight, it's just kinda weird to me that she was that focussed on what you were eating.
Sorry just read a little more, I don't know...I just don't think it's that hard to be supportive, people make their own decisions about what to eat (which none of us should make comments on unless we're asked for input) but we're always free to tell someone else how wonderful they look, y'know? I guess they could think you are saying they looked terrible before...I suppose it's complicated but I just think personal decisions about what we are eating shouldn't be up for conversation I guess. I assume people are intelligent enough to make their own decisions.
When People Assume.....
Feeling less cranky today and DH is keeping his distance.
