[Sunnydays]

How do you handle negative responses to your weight loss journey or your appearance?

This Sunday my besties since Kindergarten organized a get together at the pool. Which is terrifying for me seeing as I'm not the kind of girl who is confident in a swim suit. I didn't want to go at first but I'd feel horrible if I lied and said I was busy to her. So I legit told her the truth. I wasn't comfortable in a suit and I stink at swimming since I've never had any lessons or anything. I know how to do backstroke and kinda doggy paddle and that's it- really embarrassing for me. She texted me back saying she really respected my honesty and that I didn't lie and make up an excuse. Then she told me I was cute and said 5 nice things about me. Then I felt REALLY bad about not going. At the end of the message she begged me to reconsider and that she really wishes that I'd reconsider and see her since I haven't gotten to hand out with her for a month. So I ended up caving in. I felt kinda stupid- I don't know why I was scared to tell her...it's not like she would have laughed. She's way too kind for that.

So this motivated me to reach out to my family. Starting out with my mom. We started talking about our weekend plans and such and how the weather was and all the small talk and stuff. Then I decided I was going to tell her. Just as I was about to open my mouth- "You're going swimming?!?!? You shouldn't go outside in a swim suit! Your thighs are thick! And you're not even good at swimming!".

For the first time in my life I was going to reach out to someone completely. And that's what I get. I really want her to support me though. We've never been close but... I really wanted her to understand and accept me for once. And if she couldn't support me... at least not make hurtful and discouraging remarks.

This totally shattered my resolve to lose weight, become healthy and be happy. I really want to start again but... I keep thinking about it and I feel like a failure. Should I confront my mom again and try to tell her? Or should I forget about it? Any supportive advice on how to deal with situations like these would be really welcome.

Thank you so so much. I just really needed to talk to somebody about this before it broke me down any more.

[bargoo]

You could tell your Mom how you feel when she says such things to you. You might remind her that you know how you look and you are well aware of your swimming efforts. I would tell her once and tell her that the subject is closed you will not discuss your appearance again. Period. If she brings it up again leave the room.

[chubbycanuck]

My Mother and I do not have the best relationship either so I can understand that, what an awful thing for her to say.
Please don't let her ruin your plan to stay fit and healthy, you have to do this because you know it's for the best. Next time she says something like that I do think you should consider politely calling her on it. "Mom that wasn't a very nice thing to say to me, that hurt my feelings" or something. Family doesn't get it sometimes, they think because they are familiar they don't have to extend regular courtesy that they would to a friend or stranger. That doesn't mean you have to put up with that.

The only person in my life who knows I am on a diet and excersise plan is my BF and that's only because I live with him! I find once people find out you are trying something new they have to put in their two cents even if you didn't ask them to!

Keep going for YOUR sake.

[Nola Celeste]

Please don't let your mom's negativity erase your eagerness to go swimming. I guarantee that while you might feel a little unease at first about your swim technique, you will be having WAY too much fun to think about what your thighs look like. Besides, your wonderfully supportive friend (whom I think is all kinds of awesome, by the way) who so wants you to be there will be swimming, too. Who has time to contemplate her navel (or butt or thighs or arms) when she's out having a blast at the pool?

It's probably wisest just to let it rest and not seek any kind of support from your mom. I don't know why she can't give it. Maybe she's envious, maybe she's depressed, maybe she's crabby sometimes as we all can be, maybe she's projecting her own negative body image on you, maybe she just gets a kick out of peeing on other people's parades. Whatever. Doesn't matter. It's her burden to bear, not yours.

So shrug it off, if you can. You'll feel so much lighter without losing a pound.

That's more easily said than done, I know. I'd have trouble following that advice too. So if you can't shrug it off, ask her why she said it. "Mom, why would you say these untrue things to me? I'm committed to going now, so what purpose does it serve to say what you said?" Try not to say it with anger or tears, just ask her flat out why she would say such a thing.

By the way, you are my height and you weigh fifty pounds less than I do, about what I weighed in high school. I go to the pool almost daily and let my huge wobbly thighs flap in the breeze. So far, no one who's seen me has gone blind, thrown up, shrieked in horror, attacked me with pitchforks and torches, or tried to roll me back into the pool after mistaking me for a beached sea creature. On the contrary, pretty much everyone who notices me at all just waves and smiles. Know why? Because they, like me and you and your friend and everyone else at the pool, are enjoying themselves too much to worry about whether other people should feel "entitled" to enjoy a swim, too. (Everyone's "entitled" to enjoy the pool regardless of their size, by the way--a lesson your mom could stand to learn, too.)

I hope you have a great time swimming!

[rubyred7]

Go anyway and prove her wrong that you are beautiful and that even if she can't believe in you, you believe enough in yourself and your friendship to go. For the first time this summer, I wore a two piece bathing suit, it's a skirt thing with halter top-the point isn't that I am wearing a tiny bikini--it's that I like the suit, it looks good on me, and I feel good enough to wear it. You are special, beautiful, and worthy of wearing whatever you want. If you have the kind of relationship with your mom then explain to her that, that was really hurtful and counter-productive to you acheiving your goals. Go to the party and have lots of fun.

[Skittlez]

Ignore her! You may not be the best at swimming, but plenty of people can't swim at all! How are you going to get better if you don't practice? :-P Don't worry about how you look in a suit, most people don't give a hoot. They're there to have fun themselves, not worry about how other people look in swim suits. Have fun and don't let your mom or anyone hold you back from doing what you want to do.

[kaplods]

I don't look at it as people being unsupportive intentionally, they just project their own fears and insecurities onto others. They can try to project it onto me, but I don't have to let them.

My mother has a HUGE swimsuit phobia, and she cannot (and even when I was a small, fat child couldn't) understand why I was willing to risk and endure the humiliation (I learned not to tell her when I was being teased at the pool, because then she'd try even harder to spare me the humiliation - by not letting me go). She was afraid of the water and of the exposure, so she tried very hard to pass that fear onto me (because she thought and still thinks it's a very legitimate fear. She believes fat and disproportionate women have an obligation to hide their figure flaws - I personally don't believe that). She's also afraid of deep water, and so she thinks I'm the one who is being irrational.

I love and have always loved being in the water, so I was willing to risk and even endure teasing. To this day I would live in the water if there were a way. My mother will never be there along with me. And I feel sad for her, because the water is one place that a person's weight isn't a huge handicap (in fact, it can be an advantage. I couldn't drown if I tried, I'm too buoyant).

You can choose to listen to your mother, or your friend, but from someone who swam at three times your size, I'd vote for listening to your friend.

Always take into consideration the fact that most "unsupportiveness" comes from the speakers' insecurities, fears, and hangups. You don't have to let them become yours.

[shcirerf]

To a certain extent, I think we need to remember, that the attitudes of our mothers (and of one of my grandmothers, love her but, )are generational. Their thoughts are still tied to what they grew up with. Also, as a parent, she may think she's protecting you from people making fun of you.

For instance, while I love my Mother very much, I do NOT tell her that I lift weights on a regular basis, because she freaks out and thinks I'm going to turn into what Arnold used to be. *rolls eyes* She is well meaning, but misinformed.

I, luckily, still have 2 grandmothers who are 90+ years old. They are full of great stories, and practical info. Lived through the great depression and are so wise, and I love them dearly. However, at my current weight, and the recent loss is noticeable, they think I'm getting anorexic. In their minds, too skinny, means you can't afford to eat, or you are having some sort of mental issue. They call it a nervous breakdown or feminine embarrassment, depends.

I think, you should love your mother for who she is, don't let her antiquated opinions affect you, and pursue your weight loss and health/fitness goals.

Other peoples opinions only affect you, if you let it!

Take swimming lessons, and find a HOT swimming suit and go swimming. It's great exercise and tons of fun, to float around in the cool water on a hot day.

I am a bit prejudiced towards swimming, my Mother can't swim a lick and I was a lifeguard, and I love to swim! The anti gravity affect of the water is so freeing!

[alaskanlaughter]

you should still go and have fun! dont let others' opinions or comments keep you from your weight loss journey...there are bound to be others with unsupportive ideas down the road

for what it's worth, ive worn a swimsuit to the pool and i still have a swimsuit and would wear it if/when we go and i've been WAY heavier than your stats say you are and i still am....i also can't swim at ALL and am somewhat afraid of the water but i'll still go the pool in a swimsuit if i have to (student field trips, taking my son, etc)

[astrophe]

So this motivated me to reach out to my family. Starting out with my mom. We started talking about our weekend plans and such and how the weather was and all the small talk and stuff. Then I decided I was going to tell her. Just as I was about to open my mouth- "You're going swimming?!?!? You shouldn't go outside in a swim suit! Your thighs are thick! And you're not even good at swimming!".

This is more about your mom's fears than YOURS.

Just because she wouldn't go because she'd be worried about her swimming skill and her swimsuit fear... that's no reason why you should let it stop you.

You've been presented with your friend's worldview and your mom's, and frankly, your friend's worldview is healthier. Now it is up to you to pick what YOUR worldview will be.

Go ahead and form your own worldview, and don't worry too much about sharing it with Mom or trying to get her to appreciate your pespective. You are her daughter, but you are not a kid. You can take on the world on your own terms now.

GL!
A.

[Esofia]

I think there's something about the mother-daughter relationship which is particularly tricky when it comes to weight loss. Not for everyone, of course, but an awful lot of us are reporting mothers who seem to be doing a fantastic job of making us feel absolutely bl00dy awful about our weight, sometimes to the point where they had a big hand in creating an eating disorder of some sort. It's not you, hon, it's her. I too have a mother who is completely messed up about her weight, and she's been projecting her own weight issues onto me ever since I was a teenager - at which point I had a BMI of 20 and a gorgeous figure! (How I didn't end up with an eating disorder is anyone's guess.) Recently she described her friend's daughter-in-law as being "grossly obese", and I was horrified when I saw the wedding photos and she was actually a beautiful slim young woman. I ended up about 15lb overweight, due to having a medical condition which prohibits exercise and messes up your metabolism and makes it hard to keep track of what you're eating, and this is a lot less overweight than she is, not to mention that I'm 33 years younger. She still liked to ring me up and tell me about all the dreadful diseases I was about to die of due to being so horribly fat. Trust me, it's projection. It still hurts to hear it, and my mother has pretty much wrecked my relationship with her by now, but it really is her, not you.

So the solution is to try to keep distant from it, resist any urges to talk about your weight or related issues with your mother, and dive in here for support whenever she does say something awful. We're all here for you, and many of us have gone through diet saboteur mothers ourselves. Meanwhile, that's clearly a fantastic friend you have there, and you're very lucky to have her. Go swimming with her and have a fabulous time. You're getting good support, you're conquering one of your fears, and you're getting an excellent form of exercise, all of which sound like a win to me.

It may also be worth pointing out that not only do other people at swimming pools have minimal interest in stopping what they're doing to peer at the moving/underwater parts of total strangers, but think about how many people you see in glasses, and how many more are wearing contact lenses. A good proportion of us wouldn't even be able to see you clearly!

[painfullystoic]

Wow you're 135? That's tiny! Ignore your mother (that's what I do).

Although- my mother tries to push me to go swimming- I'm the one who's like "I can't go out in THAT!" and she's like "Pshaw, you're such a ninny, you screwed your body and health up and you want to fix it but you're a ninny if you're not willing to do what it takes and swimming is an excellent exercise, especially if you're free-stylin' it all the way."

Sometimes her over supportiveness demotivates me. But I've made a decision, and it's upto me to stick to it. In the end, nobody has a say in what I do or wear but me- so if I think its what I need to do, I will do it.

[Lovely]

I agree with what others are saying. Your mother is somehow projecting HER fears of swimming onto you. Thinking she's protecting you from all this VERY IMAGINARY criticism from others when it's actually she that is being the critical one.

I have the type of relationship with my mother where I "confront" her right away about stuff. Had she said something like that I'd have been like (Cue sarcasm) "Oh, gee, thanks mom... that makes me feel great about myself." But, at the same time, I wouldn't hold it against her in the future. I'd take it with a grain of salt, keeping in mind that she wouldn't be the best person for -weight loss advice- in the future. Though she's probably good for other kinds of advice.

Don't let her one negative opinion ruin your fun.

Remember why your sweet and caring best friends are organizing this get together in the first place. THEY WANT TO SEE YOU! They want to hang out with you. They want to have FUN! They don't care about your thighs. They don't care about your swimsuit. They just want to do something great on a hot summer day. They don't even care how you swim. You could stay in the shallow end and dog paddle around for all they care! They just want you there with them.

[Chubbykins]

You can't possibly be un-lookable for lack of a better word at only 135 pounds.
Just a little softness here and there or an inch more at a spot won't cause you embarassment... unless you sit at the side of the pool like some wet poodle.
Go and have fun. Smile a lot.

[Sunnydays]

"Family doesn't get it sometimes, they think because they are familiar they don't have to extend regular courtesy that they would to a friend or stranger. That doesn't mean you have to put up with that."

I know what you mean! Family sometimes neglects to extend that courtesy to their family just because they're related. In some ways I think you should be even more courteous to your family because you are related. And I see your point. I think maybe I should try saying something in my defense...

"Besides, your wonderfully supportive friend (whom I think is all kinds of awesome, by the way) who so wants you to be there will be swimming, too."

Hehe thanks. She is awesome isn't she? There should be more people in the world that have a heart like hers. I'm honestly proud to be able to call her my friend.

"By the way, you are my height and you weigh fifty pounds less than I do, about what I weighed in high school. I go to the pool almost daily and let my huge wobbly thighs flap in the breeze. So far, no one who's seen me has gone blind, thrown up, shrieked in horror, attacked me with pitchforks and torches, or tried to roll me back into the pool after mistaking me for a beached sea creature. On the contrary, pretty much everyone who notices me at all just waves and smiles. Know why? Because they, like me and you and your friend and everyone else at the pool, are enjoying themselves too much to worry about whether other people should feel "entitled" to enjoy a swim, too. (Everyone's "entitled" to enjoy the pool regardless of their size, by the way--a lesson your mom could stand to learn, too.)"

Actually I'm in high school right now. Kinda. That actually makes me feel alot better. That someone else was exactly like I was. In my school most people are considerably thinner than I am so I usually feel like the loner. Haha you're really funny. You seem really confident in yourself and I really admire you for it. I bet your one of those people that practically RADIATE awesomeness, confidence, and beauty. So I'm sure you look great. :-) Thanks for saying I deserve to enjoy my swim. I know tomorrow when I go swimming with my friends I'll enjoy it even more now.

"Go anyway and prove her wrong that you are beautiful and that even if she can't believe in you, you believe enough in yourself and your friendship to go. For the first time this summer, I wore a two piece bathing suit, it's a skirt thing with halter top-the point isn't that I am wearing a tiny bikini--it's that I like the suit, it looks good on me, and I feel good enough to wear it. You are special, beautiful, and worthy of wearing whatever you want."

I really wish I could have that kind of confidence in myself. But I’m beginning to think that someday it might be an achievable goal for me. I have that same kind of suit too! I actually happen to think the halter top is cute. And the skirt makes me feel less exposed. I know I like it but sometimes I worry what other people think of me in it. Like the suit is cute but I’m not. Your response really touched me thank you so much for your kind words. You really are beautiful.

“I don't look at it as people being unsupportive intentionally, they just project their own fears and insecurities onto others.”

I never really thought of it that way. But now that you mention it… it makes a lot of sense.

“To a certain extent, I think we need to remember, that the attitudes of our mothers (and of one of my grandmothers, love her but, )are generational.”

Another excellent point! For a lack of better description she is rather “old fashioned”. And in some ways I’m sure she wasn’t trying to really hurt me I think she was just worried about other people’s impression of me.

“for what it's worth, ive worn a swimsuit to the pool and i still have a swimsuit and would wear it if/when we go and i've been WAY heavier than your stats say you are and i still am....i also can't swim at ALL and am somewhat afraid of the water but i'll still go the pool in a swimsuit if i have to (student field trips, taking my son, etc)”

So glad someone understand the whole not being able to swim thing. I’m always embarrassed about it… even more so since most of my friends are actually swimmers. If you can brave it I shall try to do the same. Thanks for the warm supportive advice! <3

“You've been presented with your friend's worldview and your mom's, and frankly, your friend's worldview is healthier. Now it is up to you to pick what YOUR worldview will be.”

Yes my friend has a very very good view of the world. Sometimes I have trouble concerning a good view of myself and my life. I know it’s rather skewed most of the time… somehow it’s easier for me to see others in a positive light.

“You're getting good support, you're conquering one of your fears, and you're getting an excellent form of exercise, all of which sound like a win to me.”

Thank you, haha now that you mention it I guess it’s a win-win-win situation! I guess I should try to be a bit more confident going into this now.

“but think about how many people you see in glasses, and how many more are wearing contact lenses. A good proportion of us wouldn't even be able to see you clearly!”

That’s actually really funny as I wear glasses myself. I know several people who are as blind as a bat. Thanks for that. It made me smile.

“Wow you're 135? That's tiny! Ignore your mother (that's what I do).”

Thankyou….but actually I’m not. I have a VERY petite figure. My frame is incredibly petite. I have narrow shoulders tiny hands and kind of a squat appearance so I appear to be quite heavy. Thank you so much though. <3

“Sometimes her over supportiveness demotivates me. But I've made a decision, and it's upto me to stick to it. In the end, nobody has a say in what I do or wear but me- so if I think its what I need to do, I will do it.”

Haha I guess if it’s not in moderation even supportiveness can be demotivational. And this is true you’ve gotta stick to your guns.

“I agree with what others are saying. Your mother is somehow projecting HER fears of swimming onto you. Thinking she's protecting you from all this VERY IMAGINARY criticism from others when it's actually she that is being the critical one.”

I’m not sure how imaginary the criticism is. From her it’s very evident and yet from other people in my life it’s similar. So I can’t help but wonder if other people that don’t necessarily say it… actually think it.

“I'd take it with a grain of salt, keeping in mind that she wouldn't be the best person for -weight loss advice- in the future.”

Yeah… I think probably going to someone who was a bit more positive would be more constructive.

“Remember why your sweet and caring best friends are organizing this get together in the first place. THEY WANT TO SEE YOU! They want to hang out with you. They want to have FUN! They don't care about your thighs. They don't care about your swimsuit. They just want to do something great on a hot summer day. They don't even care how you swim. You could stay in the shallow end and dog paddle around for all they care! They just want you there with them. ”

That made me feel so much better! I guess you’re right. I’m going there to hang out with my friends and I shouldn’t let my appearance and lack of confidence get in the way. They probably won’t care. We’ll probably sing loudly to music, play cards, a water balloon fight, and marco-polo in the pool. Thanks Lovely!

“You can't possibly be un-lookable for lack of a better word at only 135 pounds.
Just a little softness here and there or an inch more at a spot won't cause you embarassment... unless you sit at the side of the pool like some wet poodle.
Go and have fun. Smile a lot.”

Hahaha thank you Chubbykins. I’m 5ft 2 but I have a very petite frame. Just looking at my frame by itself I look small. If you put me next to other people I look shorter than I actually am duw to my proportions. Thank you so much though. “Wet poodle?” Hahha yeah I won’t do one of those. I’ll get in there and have some fun.

Thank you so much to everyone who posted here! You are all so kind and supportive. I hope someday I can repay your kindness in some way. Everybody really helped me out and I feel much better about going swimming now. I think eventually I might be able to completely conquer my fear of going out in a suit. :-)