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Old 07-08-2011, 01:45 AM   #14
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kaplods's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,383

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"


I think it's really easy to get caught up in numbers. The closest I've come to thin-ness was 155 lbs at 16. I had worked really, really hard to lose 70 lbs, and my goal weight was supposed to be 150. No matter what I did, I couldn't lose those last 5 lbs. Then my doctor told me he wanted me to lose 15 lbs, not just 5, and lowered my goal weight to 140.

I was absolutely devasted. I thought it meant that I was still hugely fat, and if I couldn't get to 150 lbs, getting to 140 lbs was hopeless. I felt doomed to be fat forever, so I stopped dieting and said "screw it, I'f I'm going to be fat anyway, I might as well get to eat whatever I want."

Stupid! In my defense, I was only 16 or 17 - but I didn't learn from my mistake. I felt this way with every diet. When the weight loss got so tough that I wasn't sure whether I could lose more weight, so I'd decide that if being fat was inevitable, it didn't matter HOW fat I was, and i might as well get to eat whatever I wanted.

If I had only had the mindset I do now, I could have at least maintained that 155 lb weight (heck even 225 lbs would have been very different than ending up at 394 lbs, because I didn't see what a difference there was between "still a little fat," and "OMG, how did you ever manage to get this big, fat."

I've changed that outlook. Now, I have decided that I may not be able to lose a single pound more than I already have - and if that's the case, so be it. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't maintain my weightloss, even if it's imperfect. Being 393 was better than being 394. Being 392 was better than being 393. EVERY pound matters, so I've vowed to keep off every pound I can, and try to lose just one more.

When I think "I can't lose one more," my next thought is no longer "then I might as well binge like a steamshovel," it's "well, if I can't lose any more, I can at least keep off what I've lost."

That "one pound at a time" and "every pound counts," really keeps me on track, like nothing else ever has. My life (even if I never lose another pound) is much better at my current weight than it was at my highest. Sure a lot of people are starting at my current weight, but then again there are people who would be happy to be my weight, if it meant they could walk again (or whatever).

Being perfect may be impossible, but doing the best you can has it's own rewards. I've gained so much in the last 91 lbs that I don't want to go back. Even if I can't go forward, going back would only make things terribly worse.

I think it's important to remember that there aren't too choices - thin and fat, your ideal weight and the fattest weight you can achieve. The rewards aren't black and white either. I started at 394 lbs, and I don't have to wait until I reach 135 lbs to reap any benefits. I benefited with the first pound. After only 30 lbs, my sleep apnea disappeared and I didn't have to sleep with a machine blowing air up my nose at night.

The less you have to lose, the less obvious the benefits to weight loss - but they're still there. You'll live longer and feel and look better, even if you don't get to the weight you'ld like to be.

Even though I'm still humongously fat, if I had a choice between this weight and my highest, I would still pick smaller, humongously fat - over larger humongously fat (and I'd be even happier with obese, but not morbidly obese - and happier with overweight but not obese - and even happier with healthy weight but not slender).

You don't have to reach perfection to be better off than you were even a few heavier.
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