more comments from grandmother..not sure how much more i can take...
Hey everyone.
I posted before about the many comments that my grandmother had made to me about my weight.. well now i have heard more about it and i am not sure how much more i can take of it...I cannot avoid her and i am trying so hard to ignore it but when i heard hings that she has said about me behind my back it just makes me want to cry and reach for the fatty food.. i know its not the right way to handle and so far havent done it but much more and i am going to..well i don't know lol.
My sister told me (i asked her to tell me..stupid i know lol) how everytime my grandmother sees them whilst i am away she asks if they heard from me, if ive lost any weight and why i have not. being at home she is calling me more and every time it is..what have you been doing,,what have you been eating? I havent told her i am losing weight this time... the comment that got me most was this..
My grandmother made me my prom dress and is now making my sister hers.. She said to my tiny sister. "why can't your sister be more like you?". Now this may not sound that bad but with everything else i just couldnt handle it lol i did cry but i didnt reach for the food lol
it just makes me want to give up sometimes, i know that i have lost some weight so far and i am not expecting it to be noticable yet but i dunno..i just dont know how much more i can listen to of it.
I dont have to guts to tell her to leave me alone lol
I'm sorry this is a very long and very whiney post lol but i just needed to get it out.. it is bottled up inside and going round and round in my head..now i want cake lol but i will settle for a cup of tea!
Thanks for listening to my rant
xxx
Why is it that the people we love the most can be the most hurtful? I'm sorry you're having a tough time; words sting, especially coming from someone so close.
All you can do is to stay the course; you, and only you, have the power to lose the weight. Don't let others gain control by letting mean comments drive you to lose sight of your weight loss goals.
I know it's easier said than done, but try to let those comments roll off your back. Come here for support, go to other family and friends who are encouraging, and don't let others bother you.
Look how close you are to Onederland!! Keep up the great work.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. It's especially hard when someone is undermining you even though they may have the best of intentions.
Do you think you could say to her and anyone else involved in passing messages back and forth that your diet, appearance and weight are no longer topics for discussion? It would be hard at first. You can't force them to stop asking, but you can stop participating in any of those conversations.
When you make a change people will try to push you back into the way you used to be, but if you can stick to it and stay polite but firm, after awhile they'll settle back and give you some more space and privacy.
Your grandmother is one of the things holding you back from losing weight. She's probably trying to be supportive in her own, frankly b*tchy way, but instead of helping you, she has proved to be a great hindrance.
She's said some terrible things about you.
This is your opportunity to get back at her. She thinks you can't do it. YOU CAN AND YOU WILL.
Show your jerk of a grandmother just how much self-control you have. This isn't just a journey, it's a fight. Win.
I have found over the years that those that focus so much on weight and feel it's their right to make nasty comments (even under the guise of caring) have much larger problems (integrity, selfishness, insecurity, shallowness, meaness etc etc) than most people who have weight problems, and commenting on another's weight makes them feel better (superior) to others.
I have been around many weight police in my life, a job I had a few years ago as a waitress was **** because of it (partly). Owner was so hateful about weight, yet she was a bigot, mean spirited, etc etc, and so obsessed with weight she abused laxatives and had "accidents" in her pants on a regular basis. So glad I am me and the way I am, rather than like her. Her brother (a customer) even blurted out one day, "You really need to lose weight", now these are people in their 60s, 70s, uneducated, probably never read a book, never do volunteer work, screw people out of money, act superior etc etc etc etc.
They know how low and useless they really are, so they lash out at others about superficial things. Perhaps your grandmother feels so bad about herself, her only relief is to strike out to someone tender hearted who won't tell her *** off.
I agree with gonnadoitthistime it's probably more about your grandmother than you. She's insecure about something- maybe she had someone who was critical of her weight or some other percieved insufficiencices in the past- don't let her put her bull**** onto you. While this is easier said than done, try to see if you can understand where her issues come from. For me, this understanding makes it the comments a little easier to deal with, once I can put it in perspective.
Keep your head up! You're doing an awesome job, you know it and we know it!
Why can't you avoid her? Because she's family? I'd cut her out of my life like cancer. That's what she is, people cancer. Life is too short to spend it with people that hold you back, even if you happen to share DNA with them. Stand up for yourself and tell your grandmother to mind her own business.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree, it is hard that sometimes the people who love us the most feel that they can say whatever they want. You sound like you are doing an awesome job. Maybe try setting boundaries with her, be assertive and stand up for yourself in a nice but firm way.
I had issues with my family for awhile too with their comments about my weight. It sure is difficult. It helped me to realize that deep down they did feel some concern, they just didn't know how to voice that correctly.
take care and maybe make a list of ways to cope with emotions without the food.
thinking of you!
Last edited by seabiscuit; 07-03-2011 at 03:30 PM.
While your grandmother's behavior is problematic, I would also wonder why, if you haven't talked to her, your sister readily divulged everything she'd said? Why did you ask her to tell you what your grandmother talked about when you weren't there?
Your grandma's behavior is toxic. That doesn't mean you need to ask for extra helpings of poison or that your sister should freely serve them to you. I'm a huge believer in the importance of family, but there comes a time that you may need to decide that your grandmother's status as family doesn't trump the amount of misery she's causing you. When that time comes, you can not only avoid visiting her, you must also avoid wringing other family members for information about how your lack of visits are affecting her.
Another possibility: Instead of avoiding your grandmother altogether, tell her that your weight/diet/eating are all completely off-limits as points of discussion. Tell her that ONCE and once only. Then visit her as normal, and as soon as she brings up her poisonously negative comments about your physique, just leave. Right then and there. Not an angry flounce, not a tearful retreat, just a simple "I'm going now" and walking out the door.
After a few times of losing touch with one of her grandkids, she'll do one of two things: she'll stop her nastiness or she'll continue it and you can cut her out of your life knowing that you tried to maintain a relationship on terms that you could handle, but she made that impossible.
Don't put your sister in the middle of this again, though. Don't let your grandmother's rotten behavior stain your relationship with your sister in that way.
I have experienced a lot of hurt from those whom I love saying the wrong things. I have come to a way of dealing with these types of comments by asking myself a few questions about any given situation.
1. Was the intent of the remarks to hurt me?? Or was the person truly concerned and do they just do not know how to express this concern in a way that does not hurt or bother me.
2. Do I tend to be overly sensitive to the remarks those I love make? (In my case the answer is usually yes)
3. Could the situation be defused by sitting down and having a frank discussion with them. First thanking them sincerely for their concern, secondly explaining that you are addressing the issue (diet and exercise) and letting them know how much the remarks hurt. (often the other person does not even realize we have been hurt)
4. Come to an agreement that you will let them know in a non hostile or angry way when they make a hurtful statement. For their part they need to agree to apologize and work toward changing their remarks in the future.
Obviously not all is going to change or be perfect overnight but if we don't try then nothing will change.
My grandmother used to be a lot like yours - very judgmental, constantly meddling, insisting she knew better, making hurtful comments.
I know you don't want to do it, but you know what got her to butt out once and for all about my weight? Freaking out at her when I was about 14. I just lost it at her one day, I'd had enough...she acted like the victim, started crying, and said 'fine, I'll never try to 'help' you again'. The very few times she's said anything about my weight to me since, it's been if I mentioned something first about losing weight, and it was pretty much 'good for you, I'm glad', and that was it.
I don't know exactly how your grandmother is, but honestly, sometimes a confrontation is the best way to go.
I know it is hard, but you have to try to reclaim your personal power. You are stronger than you think. Dealing with family can be difficult, especially when we are feeling like we are in a weakened mind frame. Use the negativity as a tool to propel your weight loss and turn it into something good. If we let other peoples negativity and bad comments tear us down emotionally, then we hand over our personal power. Control is lost. We sometimes forget that we have the right to choose how to feel. Yes there will be the initial reactions, like hurt and anger, that can't always be avoided. But then there comes the point where you choose how you want to use those feelings; or if you are going to let them overwhelm you. Hang in there!
I have found over the years that those that focus so much on weight and feel it's their right to make nasty comments (even under the guise of caring) have much larger problems (integrity, selfishness, insecurity, shallowness, meaness etc etc) than most people who have weight problems, and commenting on another's weight makes them feel better (superior) to others.
This is SO true! I had someone who constantly monitored my weight under the guise of "being helpful." She would monitor my eating, text and email me "helpful" fitness tips and meal plans (almost on a daily basis) and bring up various diets to me every time we saw each other.
When I started losing weight, she then decided I wasn't eating enough and mentioned it although I had stopped eating in front of her altogether by this point.
Her last comment was my breaking/exploding point with her but it also made me realize that all of her comments, advise and monitoring had nothing to do with me. I could be big or small and she would still find something to "concern" herself with about me.
Now, if she makes comments, I don't even notice. Her insecurities and control issues are her problem to deal with, not mine.
Remember that all the mean and nasty comments are just a reflection of how your grandmother feels about herself. Pity her, ignore her and stop letting her words have any impact on your healthy journey.
I love my grandmother, I do. She more or less raised me. But she sounds just like yours. Ever since I got pregnant she's been on my case about my weight. I'd come home from visits and rant about her to my husband in tears because she'd make me so mad.
But I've never been able to say anything to her. She's done so much for me throughout my life that I just can't bring myself to. I wish I could and I hope that maybe you can and spare yourself the three years of it that I went through.
But I realized something not too long ago, when I reached 160 lbs or so and she was still saying "Yeah, another 40 lbs or so." I realized that my grandmother, who I do love, makes those mean nasty comments about everyone who isn't stick thin. And she makes them because she's extremely insecure about her own weight and it lets her feel superior over others. It doesn't matter how thin I get , she's either still going to be making comments about me or someone else so she doesn't have to acknowledge her own weight problems.
Last edited by alyssaslosingit; 07-04-2011 at 11:03 PM.
Hey everyone.
I posted before about the many comments that my grandmother had made to me about my weight.. well now i have heard more about it and i am not sure how much more i can take of it...I cannot avoid her and i am trying so hard to ignore it but when i heard hings that she has said about me behind my back it just makes me want to cry and reach for the fatty food.. i know its not the right way to handle and so far havent done it but much more and i am going to..well i don't know lol.
My sister told me (i asked her to tell me..stupid i know lol) how everytime my grandmother sees them whilst i am away she asks if they heard from me, if ive lost any weight and why i have not. being at home she is calling me more and every time it is..what have you been doing,,what have you been eating? I havent told her i am losing weight this time... the comment that got me most was this..
My grandmother made me my prom dress and is now making my sister hers.. She said to my tiny sister. "why can't your sister be more like you?". Now this may not sound that bad but with everything else i just couldnt handle it lol i did cry but i didnt reach for the food lol
it just makes me want to give up sometimes, i know that i have lost some weight so far and i am not expecting it to be noticable yet but i dunno..i just dont know how much more i can listen to of it.
I dont have to guts to tell her to leave me alone lol
I'm sorry this is a very long and very whiney post lol but i just needed to get it out.. it is bottled up inside and going round and round in my head..now i want cake lol but i will settle for a cup of tea!
Thanks for listening to my rant
xxx
I am sorry she is adding so much pressure on you. On one hand, it is sweet that she is concerned for you. On the other hand, comparing you to your sister, and never letting up on you is not fair.
I know you are afraid to tell her to leave you alone. So why not ask her to support you instead. Tell her that her comments are hurtful, and the opposite of encouraging to you. Just tell her how you feel. She wouldn't be concerned if she didn't care about you.
Don't let her get to you, you have done such a wonderful job so far. I'm rooting for you.
more comments from grandmother..not sure how much more i can take...
