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Old 07-02-2011, 05:26 AM   #1  
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Unhappy Too fat to make love...

Tonite i sat in my room heartbroken after the pause of silence that came from a comment that i never thought i would hear my fiancee say to me..
"Have you ever thought that maybe your too fat and too big for me ..and so its hard to have sex with you!"....

I couldnt believe what i had just heard. There is no denying that since meeting him i have ballooned another 50 pounds bigger than what i was when i first met him. I was well aware that i am "Fat" and i was well aware that are relationship lately was becomming rather..lacking..in the love area.. I had asked him earlier this week if we werent as sexually active because i was too fat or he wasnt attracted to me to which his response was "no..." But tonite when i heard that i was too fat and too big...it hurt like none other.. I had never in my life had ever been too big for a guy to sleep with me or be with me.. and alll of the sudden i hear it out of the mouth of my fiancee..the one person that i thought would always accept and love me..

His words of being too fat came with a pause..and then a speech that went like this: " Dont you think it kills me everytime you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die?"...

My response wanted to be : "Well maybe i wouldnt stuff my face all the time if i wasnt so unhappy.."

Cause my thing is "Feel unhappy..eat...feel stressed...eat" And guess what? Lack of sexual intimacy and lack of love in your life can cause unhappiness...

Im not throwing myself a pity party..and im not saying he is wrong in saying what he did..and im not denying that i need to lose weight or get healthy... i know that i do..and i know that its a life or death thing for me..

I guess it was the kind of slap in the face that had a huge shock factor..and i guess im still trying to take it in..im trying not to be hurt by what he said..but maybe it was the stark reality..that says its time to do something now..

Thoughts?
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Old 07-02-2011, 06:25 AM   #2  
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I'm going to be a litt harsh, but when you asked him if your weight was a factor in your lack of sex life, you cannot be mad at him for answering you with the truth.
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Old 07-02-2011, 06:43 AM   #3  
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um lack of sex didn't make you fat hun

if you want to say that you're fat because you're unhappy, that's a really unfortunate cycle you're going to be stuck in -- because from the sounds of it, you're also unhappy because you're fat.

you need to be the person to pull yourself out of it. he's voiced his opinion on it -- you wanted to know and he answered. the question is just whether or not you're willing to do something about it.

it's hard to hear, but at least take comfort in the fact that if you want to change the situation you're in, you can. diet and exercise is one of the only things that you can have 100% control over.
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Old 07-02-2011, 07:00 AM   #4  
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Are you receiving any professional help for depression/postpartum depression?

I wouldn't put energy into trying to be hurt by what's said - you WILL be hurt by it. That's a given. The question is now, where do you go from here? I think to change the outside we must always work on the inside. If you are struggling with PND (which I think I recall you saying once), you'll need to focus on that too. Good luck, I've been there, have my good & bad days (my boy is 13 months), but it's like a dark cloud on your life outlook.
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Old 07-02-2011, 07:07 AM   #5  
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I'm sorry you're hurt; I can imagine how such a thing would crush me.

At this point, I think you need to stop involving him in your weight loss. He has the right to his own feelings, but he doesn't have the right to know how much weight you've lost, how you're losing it, how you feel about your losing it, whether your current meal is on-plan or not. Treat those things as personal--I mean really personal, and if he wants to continue to offer advice and opinions, tell him the subject is off limits. And mean it.

It's tempting for me to want to bash a guy who says something like this, but...well, our partners do get affected by our weight. They do have a right to their own feelings as painful as the outcome of them may be. It's one reason why I never asked my husband if my weight was an issue for him; I feared the answer, even though he never gave me cause to worry.

So make the subject verboten in your household. His feelings hurt you too much for you to hear them without feeling pain and probably at least a little righteous anger. Your weight loss efforts apparently cause him distress if it's "killing him" to be involved with your dietary habits.

You know you need to do this for you--you and your daughter--not for the rest of the world, not even for him. I read a lot of your posts and you have such a sense of urgency, of needing the weight off quickly and drastically, but I wonder if you're feeling so much pressure because of yourself or because of external things like your relationship? If that's so, then honey, let me tell you, going at your own pace instead of meeting someone else's deadline will save you SO much agony. I've lost 45 pounds in 7 months--not blazing speed there, not at all--but it's cost me nothing and it's stayed off with ease. Try the slower, steadier way and love yourself to health instead of trying to punish yourself thin.

I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy, but is a lack of intimacy the cause of it? Or is it a symptom? It's easy to blame relationship woes--"Fine, he doesn't want to play, I'll just eat another slice of pizza because there's no use trying to get fitter for him"--but sometimes it takes more effort thinking about why there's unhappiness in your life or why you're struggling on your diet.

I think you know it's time to do something. You've been posting here almost as long as I have, and your posts are fraught with a kind of white-knuckled tension about how difficult you're finding things. People can't sustain that kind of tension in their lives without something breaking, and in your case it's been your diet. Honestly, I think you push yourself too hard; you might struggle so much with your eating because you're trying to eat food that wouldn't sustain me and I'm twice your age and almost a foot shorter than you. I'd feel a constant sense of doom and panic if I felt I had to eat crap and lose on a deadline.

Please don't do that to yourself--and don't let anyone else do it to you either. Make your diet about YOU, and he'll come around. For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.
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Old 07-02-2011, 07:25 AM   #6  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nola Celeste View Post
For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.
That is SO insightful Nola.... and I think this ^^^ is a very good insight.

Last edited by sacha; 07-02-2011 at 07:26 AM.
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Old 07-02-2011, 08:26 AM   #7  
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I'm sorry your guy hurt your feelings, but sometimes these kinds of comments are just the wake up call we need. Weight does effect the quality of sex, and it is difficult to maneuver around a large stomach...(I've been there, done that).

Just suck it up and get the weight off. It's not going to get better unless you do. In the meanwhile...know that lack of sex isn't why you are depressed, it's more than likely lack of excercise, and poor nutrition that is doing it.
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Old 07-02-2011, 08:55 AM   #8  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gagalu View Post
um lack of sex didn't make you fat hun

if you want to say that you're fat because you're unhappy, that's a really unfortunate cycle you're going to be stuck in -- because from the sounds of it, you're also unhappy because you're fat.
With no offense intended, this poster has it wrong.

I completely understand what it means to suffer from depression that is not caused by weight gain, which in turn makes you WAY more susceptible to gaining weight. There are many of us out there who turn to food because we are sad, and emotional eating is definitely a terrible but real way to lead to being overweight. Of course after the weight is gained, you are also unhappy because you are heavier, but the cycle that you REALLY need to break is your self depreciation. You're beautiful right now... unhealthy? Yes. But still beautiful. If he isn't wanting to have sex purely because of your size then he needs to GO. If he isn't wanting to have sex because of how you treat yourself, then you should re-evaluate the way you're looking at yourself. But you're on the road to losing weight... if he can't handle you at your "worst", he doesn't deserve you at your "best".
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Old 07-02-2011, 09:11 AM   #9  
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When it comes to sex you can't blame a man (or a woman as a matter of fact) for wanting a healthier partner.
Sex is after all a lot about physical attraction and games. Of course there is emotion, bonding and love, but that exists also when you're making tea or walking with him. During sex, weight is just a lot more hindering and important.
I know some men actually like it more if their partner is not of an ideal weight, but like with so many other things there is a limmit. After a point contact is harder, sweating is more, the form isn't feminine, washing gets harder, being the active partner gets nigh impossible... so many things.
If you are at that point you should actually apologize to yourself for making your sex life so much harder and less pleasant than it should/can be, not be angry at him for pointing out a truth you asked to hear.
Even if he said "everything is ok..." you probably would not have believed him right?
I know it is painful and embarassing and plain hard, but that is all because of excess food and fat, not because of an honest fiance.
So turn that frustration towards your REAL enemy and problem, which is overeating.

Food is not what comforts you when fat causes you trouble, food is what caused your problem in the first place.

I wish you all the best on your weight loss! You can do it Let those night of passion return
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Old 07-02-2011, 09:14 AM   #10  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nola Celeste View Post
I'm sorry you're hurt; I can imagine how such a thing would crush me.

At this point, I think you need to stop involving him in your weight loss. He has the right to his own feelings, but he doesn't have the right to know how much weight you've lost, how you're losing it, how you feel about your losing it, whether your current meal is on-plan or not. Treat those things as personal--I mean really personal, and if he wants to continue to offer advice and opinions, tell him the subject is off limits. And mean it.

It's tempting for me to want to bash a guy who says something like this, but...well, our partners do get affected by our weight. They do have a right to their own feelings as painful as the outcome of them may be. It's one reason why I never asked my husband if my weight was an issue for him; I feared the answer, even though he never gave me cause to worry.

So make the subject verboten in your household. His feelings hurt you too much for you to hear them without feeling pain and probably at least a little righteous anger. Your weight loss efforts apparently cause him distress if it's "killing him" to be involved with your dietary habits.

You know you need to do this for you--you and your daughter--not for the rest of the world, not even for him. I read a lot of your posts and you have such a sense of urgency, of needing the weight off quickly and drastically, but I wonder if you're feeling so much pressure because of yourself or because of external things like your relationship? If that's so, then honey, let me tell you, going at your own pace instead of meeting someone else's deadline will save you SO much agony. I've lost 45 pounds in 7 months--not blazing speed there, not at all--but it's cost me nothing and it's stayed off with ease. Try the slower, steadier way and love yourself to health instead of trying to punish yourself thin.

I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy, but is a lack of intimacy the cause of it? Or is it a symptom? It's easy to blame relationship woes--"Fine, he doesn't want to play, I'll just eat another slice of pizza because there's no use trying to get fitter for him"--but sometimes it takes more effort thinking about why there's unhappiness in your life or why you're struggling on your diet.

I think you know it's time to do something. You've been posting here almost as long as I have, and your posts are fraught with a kind of white-knuckled tension about how difficult you're finding things. People can't sustain that kind of tension in their lives without something breaking, and in your case it's been your diet. Honestly, I think you push yourself too hard; you might struggle so much with your eating because you're trying to eat food that wouldn't sustain me and I'm twice your age and almost a foot shorter than you. I'd feel a constant sense of doom and panic if I felt I had to eat crap and lose on a deadline.

Please don't do that to yourself--and don't let anyone else do it to you either. Make your diet about YOU, and he'll come around. For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.
I completely agree!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lori Bell View Post
I'm sorry your guy hurt your feelings, but sometimes these kinds of comments are just the wake up call we need. Weight does effect the quality of sex, and it is difficult to maneuver around a large stomach...(I've been there, done that).

Just suck it up and get the weight off. It's not going to get better unless you do. In the meanwhile...know that lack of sex isn't why you are depressed, it's more than likely lack of excercise, and poor nutrition that is doing it.
Totally agree!


About 2yrs ago I wrote a very similar post to yours. Our love life was really suffering because of my weight. My husband had had enough of me not being me because I hated myself. Our love life was uncomfortable for both of us due to my weight. I was completely devastated, humiliated, and ashamed. I couldn't believe I had let myself go SO much and never once thought about how it would affect anyone else. I thought it was a wake up call but here I am, still fat. Losing and gaining back those same 40lbs, all the while remembering our conversation that night. I was trying to lose weight while suffering from depression which is really hard. I wasn't dealing with the issues I was having which made me turn back to food for comfort.

Finally, as of May 2011 I have myself on track. I feel a lot better when it comes to my depression. I am no where near "fixed" but I have made some changes recently that I feel have bettered my situation. I still stumble and make mistakes. I still sometimes even turn to food for comfort. I may even binge. But every day I remind myself that I don't have a choice when it comes to losing weight. My children need their mother. My husband needs his wife. And I can not be who I need to be if I don't lose this weight and love myself again.

Last edited by justaloozer; 07-02-2011 at 09:16 AM.
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Old 07-02-2011, 09:21 AM   #11  
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You asked the question and you got the answer.

Miserable though you feel hearing the truth, let it be the wake-up call that motivates you to do something serious about your weight. It must have been very hard for your fiancee to tell you that--now you can do something about the information you asked for.

He does not need to apologize for causing you pain. He was honest with you and your reaction is your problem, not his.

I may sound harsh here but this is a situation that you can do something about. You have a child and a sweetheart, both of whom need you to be emotionally and physically healthy for a long and rewarding life together. If you need external support, this forum is a great place to find it, and your doctor may be able to point you to resources in your community to help you in person.

Again, remember that you were the person who asked the question.






I wish you all
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Old 07-02-2011, 09:29 AM   #12  
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Sometimes men are easily misunderstood--what he said probably felt cruel and horrible, but you know what would have been worse? If he left you, or cheated on you, because he was not attracted. He respects you as a human being and at least cares for you enough to also point out the health aspect of it. He cares about your relationship, otherwise he wouldn't have said anything!
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Old 07-02-2011, 10:19 AM   #13  
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I am going to disagree with the above posters a little. People who love us do not say cruel, hurtful things to us. If he had said "I love you the way you are but am concerned for your health, how can I help you?" Barbs rarely help us they only cause resenment and hard feelings.

Last edited by bargoo; 07-02-2011 at 10:23 AM.
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Old 07-02-2011, 10:39 AM   #14  
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ouch. no matter if your guy was in the right or wrong, you must have felt terrible hearing that, just wanted to send some love your way x
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Old 07-02-2011, 12:00 PM   #15  
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That is a really hard thing to hear.

It actually sounds like he cares about you and is very concerned for your health and happiness, though. Sort of like if you were watching him with a gambling or alcohol problem... you have to say something. The way he framed it sounds like concern, not vanity.

You can break the habit/cycle by doing something *different* when you are unhappy. Find other ways to cope. It is hard but you can do it!
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