[ahyessophie]

Hey everyone,

So I've noticed myself developing a new bad habit lately, especially since I've signed on here and have committed to a new, healthier lifestyle. In becoming more in tune with my own eating patterns, weaknesses, and small victories, I've been watching other people with much more scrutiny also. When I see friends who I know are saying they're concerned with their size or health indulging or outright binging, I can't help but judge. Sometimes it'll just be an affirmation to myself that I'm glad I'm not giving into that temptation, but other times the thoughts linger more and I'm wondering 'how can someone do that (binge/over do it) while complaining about their own appearance?'

I know it's toxic and condescending, but I am also frustrated listening to friends complain about how they look but seemingly making little effort to change it. The worst part is, I know EXACTLY how someone can give into temptation even when they desperately want to change. I know I need to change my attitude towards others, understand not everyone has experience a kind of health epiphany (not that I have any losses to be proud of yet), and accept that they will take care of themselves in their own way and at their own time and pace...but I don't know how.

Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? What did you do to change your attitude? I don't want to try and encourage someone to get on the wagon for fear of patronizing them, so I'm not really sure what to do.

[Lovely]

We feel great for doing something healthy! ...Why is that person not also doing something healthy? *stare and struggle not to open mouth*

It's natural. We found the key to success and happily want to share it ... even with people who don't want to hear it.

It doesn't make us bad people, we just have to use some of that will power towards keeping our mouths closed until someone specifically asks for help! =)

[Mickey79sf]

Just gonna be honest on this one.. i hope u aren't actually saying these things to those people who u are judging because that would be f*ck up. it is wonderful that you have found that spark that has you wanting to change your life for the better, but then to cast a judgemental eye on someone who hasnt reached that point is just flat out wrong to me.. im sorry to sound so harsh, but i have had that eye cast on me before and its not fun.
mickey

[Jesscobedo]

Glad you brought this up ahyessophie. I often find myself judging other overweight people or feeling bad for them. I hate when I think this way because for so long I was very overweight and still am!!!!! I have lost over 50 pounds (whoohoo) but I am still struggling to loose the last 30. I think it is great that you are aware that you are having these thoughts and they are not productive. Sometimes just bringing awareness to a habit can help you change it.

I believe the best way to lead is by example. When you start kicking butt on your weight loss it will show and people will naturally start following. I have people ask me for weight loss advise pretty much everyday at this point and I LOVE to talk about it. Just focus on you and your goals and if you are having these negative thoughts bring your awareness in and focus your thinking in on something positive

[AshleyLaurent]

The fastest and most efficient way of obtaining a goal is to focus 100% on yourself. If you focus on others, then your energy becomes diverted and you have less focus to use on yourself.

[Blondie160]

Oh my god ahyessophie, i have been thinking the exact same thing about my overweight friend recently and i wonder when i turned into this monster! Although i judge her more because its for health reasons but she still hasnt done anything about it, I still feel awful for it!!

[SunnyJee]

My view is slightly different... I have some friends that are overweight, and they are whom I consider "foodie friends". Our social events always surrounded food (dinner out or night in revolving around food). Since I have changed my lifestyle for quite some time, you can imagine that I don't see them as often now...

I try hard not to internally question their lifestyle, even when I KNOW that they want to lose weight (heck, one has full-on type 1 diabetes), but happily indulge in very bad foods ALL THE TIME. They even write about it on their facebook updates...like as if it's something to be proud of "OMG, just had the most amaaazing cookies from blah blah blah bakery-you guys have to try!".

They resent my weight-loss and lifestyle change, I know it. They have gotten much better about not conveying it to me anymore. But I guess I would be happier for them if they had the mindset that they are happy/accepting of being overweight and just enjoy indulging all the time. But the fact that they DON'T want to be overweight and acknowledge that is mind-boggling to me. The only time I like to complain about things is when I am also discussing ways of CHANGING the situation and improving it.

Ah well. Maybe sometimes I just get kinda bitter inside knowing how hard I work, day in and day out for everything I earn and every pound I lose. It's hard as heck. Maybe it grates on my nerves that they go on about how skinny I am and how nice it must be for me, when they couldn't even IMAGINE what I had to do just to get here. Even when I tell them about my exercise and diet regime, they will never REALLY know my daily struggles. To be honest, they don't want to know...

But I am eternally grateful that I made the changes, and that it's working. I wouldn't trade places with them in a second. Because I already have lived the life of eating and gorging on ridiculous foods and then doing it all over again the next day. The payoff of getting to eat whatever I wanted was NEVER worth all the other sacrifices I had to make for the food (gaining endless weight, hating to look at myself, avoiding mirrors eventually, losing self-esteem, wondering if people were talking about my weight, food comas, boyfriend at the time becoming more disgusted with my body, etc).

I guess I was just ready to do it. And I don't know if they'll ever be ready.

[celrae]

Stop it!
I compleetly get what you are saying and I have done the same thing. I am now on week 7 and I have noticed that my concern with others has faded. Now the perspective is more about keeping myself going and just fitting into life and other peoples bad habits. Also, a few close friends have sent me text when they are working out to show support and let me know they are trying, it nice to see. Even if they are doing it half way it is a start.

Currently I have trouble eating dinner at my Mom's. I ask if I can have some of the salad before she puts dressing on it and I end up with a dressing soaked salad with cheese and croutons, every time. There is a solution to this but, very frustrating.

[shannonmb]

I totally get what you are saying, and I think it's just human nature. Once we find the "answer", we don't understand why others haven't jumped aboard, even when if we are honest with ourselves it wasn't very long ago that we were in their same boat. Just like an ex-smoker is probably more disgusted by cigarettes than the average person, it can be hard to look at what people are doing to themselves with food -- probably because it hits dang close to home.

My sister has been gaining and is probably close to 300 lbs now. Sadly, that is not even close to my high weight!!! But I want SO badly to just say "PLEASE JUST DO WHAT I'M DOING! It's not that hard once you get over the initial hump! You can totally do it if I can, WHY WON'T YOU!!" But then I remind myself that just a little over a year ago I was feeling that same "I just can't do it" thing. My best hope is that I'm sending enough positive vibes and proof that it can be done that she might just jump aboard one of these days. She's definitely contemplating and open to the discussion, and in the meantime, I just keep my mouth shut about her choices. Definitely don't want to alienate or be the food police!

[Marmot12]

Alot of people want to lose weight but there scared of change. I found that with myself...i wanted to be slim but i always found excuses or got depressed and carried on eating. It wasnt until everything clicked and i found the willpower and motivation to really start doing something about it.

I think this is the case with many people they want to lose weight but get comfortable in themselves even if there unhappier. And sometimes change is scary especially if they have no selfesteem or are unhappy with themselves theres always that fear that they will still be unhappier even when there slimmer.

But on the other hand i know a few people who are curvy, big and are happy that way! they have confidence in themselves and dont want to change

[Lori Bell]

I can tell you one thing for sure...you can't preach to the choir. Your fat friends will lose weight when they are darn good and ready. The only thing you can do is lead by example. Right now, according to your side bar thingy you have lost 2 pounds. 2 Pounds is a great start, but hardly enough to be noticed on most people. Even if you did start preaching to them, they would probably not even take you seriously because...well, you haven't lost enough for them to even notice yet.

Keep on your path, continue to better your body. If your people are anything like the people in my life they will either 1. follow your lead, 2. try to lead you astray, or 3. abandon ship.

From experience I can honesty say that your best bet is to keep you lips sealed and only answer questions when asked!

[170starting]

Originally Posted by ahyessophie

Hey everyone,

So I've noticed myself developing a new bad habit lately, especially since I've signed on here and have committed to a new, healthier lifestyle. In becoming more in tune with my own eating patterns, weaknesses, and small victories, I've been watching other people with much more scrutiny also. When I see friends who I know are saying they're concerned with their size or health indulging or outright binging, I can't help but judge. Sometimes it'll just be an affirmation to myself that I'm glad I'm not giving into that temptation, but other times the thoughts linger more and I'm wondering 'how can someone do that (binge/over do it) while complaining about their own appearance?'

I know it's toxic and condescending, but I am also frustrated listening to friends complain about how they look but seemingly making little effort to change it. The worst part is, I know EXACTLY how someone can give into temptation even when they desperately want to change. I know I need to change my attitude towards others, understand not everyone has experience a kind of health epiphany (not that I have any losses to be proud of yet), and accept that they will take care of themselves in their own way and at their own time and pace...but I don't know how.

Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? What did you do to change your attitude? I don't want to try and encourage someone to get on the wagon for fear of patronizing them, so I'm not really sure what to do.

The best advice I can give is REMEMBER HOW WE ALL GOT HERE. You wouldnt be trying to lose weight if you werent once in their shoes. Everyone has to do this on their own time. Instead of judging them, ask them to go for a walk with you.

[Beach Patrol]

While I try VERY hard to not be judgmental of others, I too find it increasingly difficult, especially when they complain of their fatness & then seemingly do nothing to change it.

But as other posters have pointed out, it's human nature to judge. It's what we do. We can only see the world through our own eyes; never through someone else's eyes. We can try to be sympathetic and empathetic & all other kinds of "etics" but the bottom line is we want health & happiness for those we love & care for.

Usually, if a fat friend or family member starts harping about their weight (all the while stuffing their mouth with another slice of pizza or another bag of chips) I just smile and say "You know, only YOU can do anything about it. If you want some good support & advice, try 3FatChicks-dot-com. That's where I go and so far I've lost "x" pounds."

Then, if they want to talk further, I let them take the lead & am more than happy to answer any questions I can. But if they just wanna sit there & b*tch about their fatness while continuing to add to it, then I don't feel bad for them. After all, IT'S THEIR CHOICE.

[SCraver]

Hearing someone complain repeatedly about an aspect of themselves/their lives they don't like but then do nothing to change it = drives me nuts. Not just weight loss - but anything. Career, love life, etc. Complaining about the same thing over and over does nothing to change the situation. You have to set goals and make a commitment and take steps towards those goals. And hearing someone complain day in and day out about something they are doing nothing about can be frustrating.

But what can you do. We are all human. We judge. We make mistakes. I agree with the PP's that said the best thing you can do is lead by example.

[mzKiki]

I get what you're saying, but how many times have YOU ordered the cheesecake, or had that burger you know had wayyyy too many calories? We didn't get to be overweight by eating salads and carrots. So we don't have the right to judge others because we finally had our moment and now want to change.
I find myself being annoying telling people how many calories everything has in it. But not everybody cares, and that's okay. These are still my friends & family and I love em thick or thin.
Hopefully me being healthier and looking better will motivate some of them and then they will make a change. If not then that's okay too. Next time one of your friends complains about their appearance, realize that sometimes people just want to vent.