[avi0903]

It's been three years! In those three years, I had been 245 when I started here. I'd been up to 260, and now I'm at 240. How can I not have lost 100 pounds, three times over?! What's wrong with me!?

There've been so many times I wake up and say today's the day. The time I got down to 240 was when I went to the doctor for a check-up, and he told me I was pre-pre-diabetic, and I better turn it around. So I did lose some weight, and my blood sugar is now normal. But then I went off the diet.

I got down to 240 again, when I needed to get new health insurance, and was denied due to obesity. Now I got insurance through a high risk pool, and am still struggling to get my weight down.

How do I stick with a plan?

Help, help, help, help, please!!!!

[Trazey34]

ugh it's frustrating, I know, but WE can't do it for you -- all the best ideas in the world can be served to us on a silver platter, but it's all up to YOU in the end to do something about it.

What do you think is holding you back? What's the benefit to staying fat? is it just easier? do you think it's too hard to move forward? are you afraid of failing? afraid of succeeding - that things will be different, more will be expected of you? do you even really WANT to do it? or do you think you SHOULD do it? so many things to sort out in your mind before you even think about food/exercise.

But remember -- it'll be three years FROM now in no time, and you'll be glad then that you started today

[Rainbowgirl]

I find that you have to really want it. And not "I want to lose weight because of my health blah blah" said in a dry tone because you're verbally regurgitating what the doctor or media or friends or family told you.

Deep, deep down inside, you have to want it so bad that staying overweight isn't worth it. All the things that you may be "comfortable" in with being overweight: laziness, lots of food, protecting yourself from not being invisible any more, etc, have to be worth LESS than being thin.

I may just be on the start of my journey, but it's a journey I've begun over and over again for all the wrong reasons. I'm starting now because I'm finally at my breaking point. Being overweight is not contributing to my life moving forward in any way. It's not worth, being overweight, enough for me anymore. I want more for myself, and that "more" only comes when you're healthy and in shape.

I want to go to hiking and wilderness camping with my dog. I want to go kayaking (inflatable kayaking) with her. I want to find a boyfriend who's into those same things, not settle for a guy who is overweight and happy being that way because the guys I'm -REALLY- attracted to aren't attracted to me right now. I want to travel, go backpacking, go SKYDIVING!, wear a little black dress and feel sexy, wear high heels again. I want to know that by the time I'm 35 I won't have heart disease, diabetes, or arthritis. I want to live beyond 80 and still be in good health.

None of that can happen if I remained on the path I was; overeating, sedentary life style. No matter how comfortable it may be for me to chow down a bag of chips, it's not worth the feeling I'll have when I come back from my first hike/camp with the mutt and still be energized and excited. Eating a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies is worth less than buying a really cute little dress and wearing it without having to worry about heat rashes on my thighs, or looking dumpy in it.

If it's not something you deep down want, above anything else in life.. it's hard to find the motivation to do it.

If you've resigned yourself to being complacent, it's hard to change that mindset.

If you're using obesity as a shield, it's hard to get away from it without help. And in that case, you may need professional help (there's no shame in needing it).

It needs to come from you - inside - not from outside sources (doctor, spouse, family, friends, health insurance, etc) or it will never happen.

[milmin2043]

I was all set to type out a long response, but rainbowgirl did it for me.

I agree with everything she said.

You can do it. You have to believe that you can do it.

[authentic]

I really like what Rainbowgirl said. For me, being obese has been my way of keeping myself invisible to men. Until I was truly ready to be "seen", I kept sabotaging my diet. I would lose 50lbs and then put them back on, over and over and over again. Now, I simply don't care who "sees" me. I want to get back the parts of my life that being obese has taken away from me. I want to be able to go dancing. I want to be able to travel to Europe and other places and fit in the seats, and be able to handle all the walking. I want to be able to buy clothes anywhere not just plus size stores. I want to be able to go to the ocean and the beach and not be embarrassed.

I had to get to a point where I wanted those things more than I wanted to numb my pain and anger and frustration. I am in that place now. I still feel just as much pain and anger and frustration as I ever did. I am not using food to numb it anymore. That is the only way I have been able to lose the 49lbs I have lost since December.

Each pound lost gets me closer to my goal of having a full life, a life that I am choosing for me, not some doctor, or some insurance company, or some guy.

[Clementine]

Rainbowgirl's response said it all for me...to the point that the words got a bit blurry as it brought a tear to my eyes.

I've been procrastinating my workout today but I am setting down the laptop and doing it right now because deep down, I want my health back.

[avi0903]

Thank you all! You've really given me things to think about.

I have been to therapy, and currently still am. I've been through a divorce, which was the true beginning of me recognizing that I had been eating to numb the pain of a bad marriage, numb my feelings just to get through the day. Since the divorce, I feel more myself, and as I lose weight I feel more and more free of my insecurities and more confident.

But for some reason I can't move below 240. That's when I start eating again. I can't figure out why. I must be afraid of what will happen if I get below 240 - afraid of success? afraid of my realizing that I actually can lose the weight and live a happy life?

There was one time I got below 150. I think I was like 148. That's the skinniest I ever was. This is about 20 years ago, after my 4th child was born. My father had died of heart disease, and I wanted to be certain to be around for my children, and it was almost effortless to lose the weight, I just started eating healthier, not even realizing or thinking that I was dieting. I just cut out all the crap.

My ex and his mother kept telling me I was too skinny, that I didn't look pretty, and that I was going to waste away. When friends would tell me I looked great, my ex would glare at me, but never agree. I remember talking to my sister in law about it, and she is very honest and to the point. She said I'm 5'3" and weight 148. She said that's hardly skinny, in fact I could stand to lose a little bit more. Clearly my husband (at the time) and his mother don't have my best interests at heart. Whatever, I put the weight back on.

So now I am free of them, and the weight is still here.

Thank you for opening up that memory (I hadn't actually thought of it for a while, I'm just writing as I'm thinking). I can't let myself be stuck in the past, or hold on to old beliefs about myself. I need to move on.

I'm rambling. Thank you for letting me ramble. Thank you for your help.

[JOLINA]

Maybe you need to limit your calories to 1200-1500 per day. And don't weigh yourself anymore.
As your clothes get baggy and you wear smaller sizes, then you know you are losing weight.
I think you are hung up on the number 240, and you need to get that scale out of your life.
All those toxic people are out of your life now.

Why would you let something as dumb as a scale stand in the way of your losing weight?
Throw the thing out so you can get on with losing weight and be the happy gal you are meant to be.

[Streudel]

"How do I stick with a plan?"

By going back to it every time you fall off of it. You will fall down sometimes. Fall down 9 times, get up 10.

Best of luck to you. You can do it!

[bargoo]

You have to really, really, really, really want it. You need to want it so bad that you will stick with it.