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Old 04-17-2011, 11:24 AM   #34
Resolute
One man would not fall...
 
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 676

S/C/G: 400/223/190

Height: 5' 10"

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Quote:
Originally Posted by chaitea View Post
Hi, I am sort of new here. I signed up a while ago, but didn't really post much.
When I realized that I can't hide forever. People want to see me. People want to take pictures of me. I wish I could just hide away, but I can't. Not long ago, I thought I saw someone who I used to know, an old friend, and I didn't look up. I was too ashamed to say hello.
Can't live like that forever... (I am too hard on myself even when I am only five pounds over my ideal weight. Which has more to do with my brain than my size) I just want to be really healthy.
I hear you and understand completely, i still struggle when i meet old acquaintances, i'm not nearly as ashamed of myself as i used to be but the feelings persist and linger, i know no matter how hard i try or how well i succeed it will never be enough, this realization is both liberating and oppressing at the same time.

I've been told a lot lately how i always beat myself up, sell myself short, am too hard on myself, it's guelling work to change mentally, between focusing all my inner strength at a single point (goal) it's left my psyche exposed so to speak, my emotions are barely contained just below the surface, things i used to figuratively bury come to the surface and i am left dealing with the fallout, usually results in waves of depression or oddly euphoric (joyfull) feelings every once in a blue moon, yes i've been at this a long time now.

Some days it's all i can do to remain on plan and not totally break, i refuse to budge on my change though, even if i go off the deep end it will ( need/must )remain my lone anchor. You're not alone in dealing with inner turmoil.
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You can be a warrior or you can be a slave.
When the body is pushed beyond limits, rely on your heart to survive.
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