[MissSMcC]

i'm 25, and when i was 19 i met a man that i spent 5 years with. we split on boxing day last year after being engaged for about 4 years. i once found a love note from one of his ex's, i got upset, he tore it up and called me the C word. he didn't like to communicate. but it was fine because i 'loved' him and i got the odd cup of tea and he washed up once in a while... (starting to sound familiar?)

please do not let yourself be sat where i am 5 years from now. i have no idea why i stayed with him for as long as i did. you cannot paper over this. why do you love him? do you want to marry him or do you just want to get married? are you really in love with him, or love itself?

whether you avoid my shoes by ending this relationship before you end up where i am, or by FIXING the problems (not the ex, she's there to stay and there's nothing you can do about it) ie. communication, respect and the balance of the relationship, you have to do something.

[shannonmb]

Jess, I want to send you a big . I really, really hope that you will take what everyone is saying with a good spirit, because I know no one is trying to insult or hurt you.

This may sound really condescending, and I really don't mean it to be. But my 10 year old daughter is SURE she knows all about everything. I'm pretty sure she thinks that no matter what I say, she knows what's best, there's not much room for growth, she knows how she feels about things, knows what she wants. I think about a teenage girl I knew in high school who committed suicide because, I guess, she was SURE her heart and mind would never change. When I was 20 years old, I sure as heck knew that the douche-bag I was hooked up with was THE ONE. He sure seemed to go out of his way to ruin a lot of things in my life, but at the time, boy oh boy was I sure I wanted to have his children someday. (BTW, thank GOD I didn't!) After that relationship ended, I was basically an emotional stalker with my next boyfriend. I'm not saying that's what you are, but man, I remember constantly being like, "Here's how I"m FEELING, we need to talk about this ad-nauseum, I need to pour my heart out to you in a 10 page letter, blah blah blah blah blah.

I'm 40 years old, and seems the older I get, the more I realize how much I'm still learning about myself, the world, relationships (been with my hubby 15+ years and still learning), my reaction to things. Life is very fluid, it ebbs and flows, and the way you think about things at one point, you may laugh at and REALLY question 5 years later.

I hope no one is trying to insult you by telling you you need to mature some. It's not a slam! From my experience, the people who yell "I'M MATURE" the loudest are the ones who probably have the most growing up to do. I have no opinion on what you should do in your current situation, but I will tell you to keep an open mind on your future. May well be that in 10 years you will look back and think, "Wow, what a wreck THAT relationship was!" OR, you could both grow up and be living a happy life. Keep an open mind, girl!!

[MusicalJess]

Thanks. If I'm honest I'm starting to really question if I want to be with him. I love him, blah blah etc etc...But last night after work I asked for a back rub. And I really wish I didn't bother because he started on saying he'll put as much effort into it as he thinks I put into things for him. So I said just don't bother. We watched tv and that and then went to bed. I cuddled him a bit even though he was too bus playing on his phone. Turned over and lo and behold no back rub.

If he had asked for a back rub I would have done it. Even if I was tired or whatever. I'd do that for him. This morning he went to pick Grace up and I stayed at home. He was gone for well over an hour (even though is about 20 mins each way...but whatever, they probably needed to discuss summat) and in that time I cleared the living room, sorted Graces room out as her new bed (that I'm paying for btw) is being delivered, put washing on etc....When he got back he wanted to know why his breakfast wasn't ready for him as he started work at 12 and we were running out of time. He didn't thank me for it. Nothing.

I've just booked and paid for the cinema for the 3 of us for tomorrow. No thanks. I've been making easter trees, playing with his daughter in the garden, cooking her lunch, cleaning....you get the gist. And he has yet to thank me for having her. Even though this is my first day to myself in ages. And I really fancy a long soak in the bath and to pamper myself a bit.

I know I'm probably just moaning because these things aren't really significant. I love having Grace really. I love spending time with her. But thats not the point is it? Me having her today means that he gets time with her this evening, as would finish work too late to fetch her this evening. I just feel like he expects me to pay for things when I can't afford it. I need new underwear and clothes as they're all too big now. But can't afford any as I put Graces new clothes and things like that first. He never even offered to pay any towards her bed. I had to ask and he just said cos he paid for our bed I should pay for hers...

I think he is stuck in this mindset that he's the man and because he works full time I should do the housework and look after the little 'un.

But I work too (admittedly its only part-time) and I go to uni too. I always wonder why I'm exhausted 24-7..but is it any wonder??

I dunno what to do. I love him. He makes me laugh and protects me and helps me through things. But he also drives me insane, gets really angry and scary sometimes, he's lazy, he spends too much time on the computer and on his phone instead of talking to me, he hates spending his money but loves spending mine.... I know everyone in a relationship has issues with their partner. And I'm no different. But the thing that gets me is when we argue he has called me fat before. I know I am...but thats not the point. I don't call him that even though he is overweight. And he's becoming less and less interested in me....Its hard to explain everything. This is probably really disjointed and what not. But sometimes I hate him. He upsets me and he takes me fore granted and he just isn't interested in me. But then he DOES help out. I know he gets tired and I make excuses for him and he seems like the best boyfriend in the world... I just dunno what to do.

[MusicalJess]

And can I just say also that what I did isn't evil. He ASKED me to destroy the DVD. And both his and her parents have copies. I would NEVER destroy something belonging to someone else without their permission.