This is long and probably incomprehensible. I'm exhausted from not sleeping for days, and I'll come on tomorrow to read it over and fill in the gaps. I suppose it's not the most respectable thing to air my dirty laundry on an online forum, but I needed to tell SOMEbody.
To put it bluntly, my husband (we got married on December 11th, lol) is freaking abusive. Just verbally/emotionally at this point, but sometimes that's so bad that I wish he'd just punch me in the nose because it would hurt less. I have stopped talking to my friends and family for the last few weeks because I'm just embarrassed and afraid that I might let it slip that we don't have a perfect fairytale marriage. I've started a few threads on here about some of our more explosive episodes, so some of you know a bit of the story.
I wish I could list some examples of his buttholery, but there are so many and they all just string together. Not to mention the things he gets angry about sound so petty. Last night he got angry because I asked if he wanted regular meat sauce or meatballs with spaghetti when he apparently mentioned he wanted meatballs a week ago. He's been storming around and cussing and slamming doors ever since. His best friend lives a few doors down and stops by to see if he's home sometimes. Every time he does and Sean isn't home, I tell him about it and he accuses me of cheating. Just constant little fights, he's constantly putting me down, pointing out how stupid and inconsiderate and inadequate I am. I jump when he walks in the door and my mind races around trying to think if there's anything around the apartment that might make him mad and I'm always trying to feel out his mood.
I'm just running out of happy, I guess. I had all this optimism and happiness stockpiled, and I kept thinking things would get better, but that's all being used up. I can't sleep, I've been living on one or two bowls of oatmeal a day (not even because of calories or being skinny or anything...I just can't choke anything else down...sometimes I practically force feed myself a piece of chicken), for the last couple nights I have actually started to sneak a shot or two of vodka into my crystal lights just because that takes the edge off the sadness when he blows up (a trick learned from my alcoholic mummy dearest). I cry all day when he's not home, and I get yelled at if I cry when he is. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I needed to get out while there's still some Megan left.
Welllllll....We didn't talk to each other all day, I ran to Walmart to get some shampoo, he called and said the door was locked. I called my dad and told him, then knocked on the door anyways, he answered and we argued for a few minutes. For once I wasn't a whiney weepy little suck up, but told him very calmly that I needed to be treated with respect and love, otherwise I was leaving. He threw his ring across the living room and told me to get the f*** out, so I packed my suitcase (with the most random stuff, I just opened it and thought "why did I pack oatmeal but no toothbrush??") and left. As I was walking out the door, his parents called and he answered the phone like everything was cool, I heard him say "Hey, what's up?" as I was walking out. When I was loading my suitcase, he ran out and said his parents wanted to talk to me. I guess my dad called them, which I'm kind of embarrassed about, I didn't ask him to, but he was frustrated and concerned. But anyways, I talked to them for about 20 minutes, explained to them what he's been doing, and they *completely* supported me which is a huge relief. They don't think ill of me at all, they just want me to be happy and safe, even if that means leaving. So I brought the phone back to Sean so he could talk to them, he threw it at the wall, and knocked over a glass end table which broke all over the floor. He was getting in my face about the fact that I'd told my dad about our problems (he would prefer I not talk to my dad at all, he wants to be the only man in my life), and kept blocking my way. But I got past, walked out, and here I sit at Motel 6. With oatmeal but no toothbrush.
I have since talked to his parents, and they said they couldn't talk any sense into him, but maybe he'll be chilled out tomorrow. Whatever if he is, I'm more or less done with it either way. I also talked to my dad again, and he was proud and relieved that I got out. He said that I could tell Sean that we could settle it like adults with a clean easy divorce, or I could tell him that my father would be thrilled to unleash the legal dogs of war if he wanted to be an butthole about it. I hate to hide behind daddy or anything, but I'm feeling vindictive, and I like the thought of it. I don't want his money, I just like the idea of retribution right now.
I'm pretty much freaked out at the moment, but strangely calm. I can't quite process what a massive clusterfunk my life is at this moment, but I feel relieved and empowered. I'm going between shaking, sobbing, giggling maniacally to myself that I packed my oatmeal, and yet I still feel calmer and more at peace than I have in months. I feel exhausted, terrified, heartbroken, but I always come back to relieved.
Major MAJOR props if you read all that. Or even just skimmed. Any words of encouragement or wisdom would be much appreciated. I used the last bit of my energy and bravery to get myself out, and I'll have to muster up some more to deal with the days to come.
Last edited by mkendrick; 03-27-2011 at 10:44 AM.
Reason: update
I'm so glad you got out. That is a horrible position to be in. You are very strong for leaving before it got even worse. I wish you all the luck in the world! Stay strong, girl! You did the right thing.
Oh my god. I am so so sorry. I cannot even fathom what you are going through right now but I have to say you are a very very strong woman. I am at a loss for words right now, but I'm just so proud of YOU for taking care of yourself and getting out. Take time to work things out in your mind - as well as writing and talking things out with whoever you trust...
"(he would prefer I not talk to my dad at all, he wants to be the only man in my life)," - I just have to say this shocked me greatly...I know your husband is in the military? Did this begin to happen after he came home from being deployed?
Megan, I have to leave for work about three minutes ago, but I just wanted to say that you are a very strong person and I hope that things start looking up for you in the next few days. Big !
You are definitely in the right for leaving behind such an abusive situation. The abuse might be verbal and emotional now (and even that is most emphatically not okay), but with his violent temper and the throwing/breaking of various household objects, it seems like it could likely get physical at some point, too. Not only are you in the right, but you are brave and smart and taking care of yourself. The situation at your soon-to-be-ex's house seems dangerous in so many ways (abuse, problems with your eating patterns, drinking on the sly when alcoholism runs in the family), and it takes a very savvy person to recognize that and make such a definite move to change the way that things stand.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, especially with the other troubles that you've had in your past, and I just wanted to let you know that we support you! I know that many of us chickies (myself included) have been in abusive relationships in the past, so if you need to talk or vent or cry, please feel free to do so here or via pms. (I'd offer to call you, but I'm abroad.) You're right to walk away now, and don't let him talk you into coming back to see if things get better. It only gets harder to walk away with time and with each successive chance that you give.
I'm glad that you have your father's support and help. Lots of love and good thoughts are going your way. Keep us updated and let us know when you get to a safe and more permanent place than the motel.
I'm proud of you and relieved too. And there is nothing wrong with having some extra oatmeal. The hard stuff is all done. All that is left is paperwork and details and moving into your new future.
This is long and probably incomprehensible. I'm exhausted from not sleeping for days, and I'll come on tomorrow to read it over and fill in the gaps. I suppose it's not the most respectable thing to air my dirty laundry on an online forum, but I needed to tell SOMEbody.
To put it bluntly, my husband (we got married on December 11th, lol) is freaking abusive. Just verbally/emotionally at this point, but sometimes that's so bad that I wish he'd just punch me in the nose because it would hurt less. I have stopped talking to my friends and family for the last few weeks because I'm just embarrassed and afraid that I might let it slip that we don't have a perfect fairytale marriage. I've started a few threads on here about some of our more explosive episodes, so some of you know a bit of the story.
I wish I could list some examples of his buttholery, but there are so many and they all just string together. Not to mention the things he gets angry about sound so petty. Last night he got angry because I asked if he wanted regular meat sauce or meatballs with spaghetti when he apparently mentioned he wanted meatballs a week ago. He's been storming around and cussing and slamming doors ever since. His best friend lives a few doors down and stops by to see if he's home sometimes. Every time he does and Sean isn't home, I tell him about it and he accuses me of cheating. Just constant little fights, he's constantly putting me down, pointing out how stupid and inconsiderate and inadequate I am. I jump when he walks in the door and my mind races around trying to think if there's anything around the apartment that might make him mad and I'm always trying to feel out his mood.
I'm just running out of happy, I guess. I had all this optimism and happiness stockpiled, and I kept thinking things would get better, but that's all being used up. I can't sleep, I've been living on one or two bowls of oatmeal a day (not even because of calories or being skinny or anything...I just can't choke anything else down...sometimes I practically force feed myself a piece of chicken), for the last couple nights I have actually started to sneak a shot or two of vodka into my crystal lights just because that takes the edge off the sadness when he blows up (a trick learned from my alcoholic mummy dearest). I cry all day when he's not home, and I get yelled at if I cry when he is. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I needed to get out while there's still some Megan left.
Welllllll....We didn't talk to each other all day, I ran to Walmart to get some shampoo, he called and said the door was locked. I called my dad and told him, then knocked on the door anyways, he answered and we argued for a few minutes. For once I wasn't a whiney weepy little suck up, but told him very calmly that I needed to be treated with respect and love, otherwise I was leaving. He threw his ring across the living room and told me to get the f*** out, so I packed my suitcase (with the most random stuff, I just opened it and thought "why did I pack oatmeal but no toothbrush??") and left. As I was walking out the door, his parents called and he answered the phone like everything was cool, I heard him say "Hey, what's up?" as I was walking out. When I was loading my suitcase, he ran out and said his parents wanted to talk to me. I guess my dad called them, which I'm kind of embarrassed about, I didn't ask him to, but he was frustrated and concerned. But anyways, I talked to them for about 20 minutes, explained to them what he's been doing, and they *completely* supported me which is a huge relief. They don't think ill of me at all, they just want me to be happy and safe, even if that means leaving. So I brought the phone back to Sean so he could talk to them, he threw it at the wall, and knocked over a glass end table which broke all over the floor. He was getting in my face about the fact that I'd told my dad about our problems (he would prefer I not talk to my dad at all, he wants to be the only man in my life), and kept blocking my way. But I got past, walked out, and here I sit at Motel 6. With oatmeal but no toothbrush.
I have since talked to his parents, and they said they couldn't talk any sense into him, but maybe he'll be chilled out tomorrow. Whatever if he is, I'm more or less done with it either way. I also talked to my dad again, and he was proud and relieved that I got out. He said that I could tell Sean that we could settle it like adults with a clean easy divorce, or I could tell him that my father would be thrilled to unleash the legal dogs of war if he wanted to be an butthole about it. I hate to hide behind daddy or anything, but I'm feeling vindictive, and I like the thought of it. I don't want his money, I just like the idea of retribution right now.
I'm pretty much freaked out at the moment, but strangely calm. I can't quite process what a massive clusterfunk my life is at this moment, but I feel relieved and empowered. I'm going between shaking, sobbing, giggling maniacally to myself that I packed my oatmeal, and yet I still feel calmer and more at peace than I have in months. I feel exhausted, terrified, heartbroken, but I always come back to relieved.
Major MAJOR props if you read all that. Or even just skimmed. Any words of encouragement or wisdom would be much appreciated. I used the last bit of my energy and bravery to get myself out, and I'll have to muster up some more to deal with the days to come.
Hi Dear, So you are sitting in a Motel. I hope he doesn't know which one. It would be nice if you could get some peace.
Take it from me, you are looking at the tip of the iceberg. People warned me about the man I married and I didn't believe them. Sad to say, I had children and he took a lot of his irrational rage out on them andme.
I stayed and thought it would get better. It didn't.
Oh, yes, they will be sorry and promise you anything. Be awfully careful. I find it very hard to believe that his anger has much to do with you. It was probably there all along and, when he married you, he thought he found a safe place to vent it. Well, it's not safe for YOU!
My prayers are with you and very strong wishes for your protection.
Thanks for the replies, you guys. Other than my father and his parents (and him, obviously), you are the only ones I've told. Yes, he is an Army officer, and we recently moved from Alabama where I was at for college to Oklahoma for the Army. I don't know ANYbody here. My whole family is in Wyoming, so on top of all of this going on, I was feeling pretty stranded and lonely.
I suppose I did the strong thing to do by leaving, but I just feel wretched. For one, I feel like I shouldn't have gotten myself in the middle of this mess to begin with; I'm humiliated and can't even think about what my family and friends will think. But also, I can't shake the feeling that it's partly my fault for letting it get this bad. We train others how to treat us by letting them know boundaries. I taught him quite well that he could treat me like dog poo and I'd come begging for him to love me. That is not a "strong" person at all.
I just want to sleep, but I can't. I've been getting 2-3 hours of restless sleep a night for about a week. I've been so stressed and upset that I can't get my mind to slow down long enough. I desperately want to sleep now, but I can't get myself to lay down or turn the light off. I'm still on an adrenaline high, I guess.
I'm so very incredibly proud of you for swallowing pride/quieting fears/doing what it takes to GET OUT. So many people, for fear or shame or damaged self-esteem or whatever other reasons, are never able to take that tremendous first step towards starting over.
Some spouses deal with that for YEARS. DECADES. LIVES. Some people waste their entire lives wanting to be loved by someone who, for whatever reason, is incapable of properly doing so.
I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV. I cannot tell you if what he's doing needs to (or even can) be treated (medicinally, through therapy, whatever) or not, but you did the right thing by removing yourself from physical harm's way and distancing yourself from the situation.
No matter how this situation is to be dealt with, make sure to take care of yourself and to take the time to protect both your person and your interests. You've already identified many abusive traits, and your comments/portrayal of events have revealed others; as you proceed in the days, weeks, and months ahead, do not let yourself be manipulated. If emotions start to take over (it's completely understandable, and it's going to be an emotional ordeal to get through), do exactly what you did tonight and remove yourself from the situation.
You know that you deserve better than this. Life is better than this. You have not only the courage and strength to reach for something greater, but you also have the love and support of your family to help you get there.
~Hugs~ You are so incredibly strong and brave for leaving him. Please get on a plane and go back to Wyoming and stay away from him!!! I'm sure your friends and family want what is best for you and not being with him is the best thing. If my husband acted like that, I'd be gone too. In fact I *divorced* my dad because he was like that. The hardest thing I've ever done was to walk away and keep walking but it was truly the best thing for me.
Megan, you are very brave. I imagine it's going to be hard for you to get out of this for good, because once the smoke clears I'm sure he's going to want you back and you will be flooded with all those feelings about not wanting to be divorced after such a short marriage and at such a young age, remembering all the good times with him when you were so excited about the life you were supposed to be sharing, etc. But I hope you will remember when you start to feel like giving this another try, that feeling you shared in your "heat of the moment" post -- relief. That really says it all. Life is way too short to be ruled by someone else's temper, moods, whims, etc.
I agree with the poster who said get yourself back to Wyoming as quickly as possible and give yourself some space to think straight. Your whole life is ahead of you!
Megan, this is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong! Abusers have a way of blaming the other person and making it look like its always their fault. You are very strong and brave and you did the right thing. Imagine if you stay and have children with this person! He would always use the kids against you and you would be a prisoner to him. Its all about control for him and nothing you could say or do would ever be right. HE needs professional help and he can get it from the military. You made the right choice...keep walking, go home if that's the only place you have and find a job or volunteer to take you away from this situation. You need to be where people love you. Best of luck!
You are incredibly brave for leaving. Nobody should have out to put up with that kind of abuse and you have definitely done the right thing for you.
Look forward. It sounds like if he tries to hurt you anymore he is going to lose the support of his parents and your dad sounds like he's got your back. It may be hardright now but look to your future. You obviously didn't find your happily ever after ending with him, but theres a lifetime of oppurtunities out there for you to take advantage of.
I left my husband tonight...Big update post #292
!
