[serendipity907]

I've recently started counselling for an eating disorder, and it is making me think over what the real problems are in my life, and where did they come from. I started to think about something which happened to me, I've always remembered it, exactly how it was said, what room it was in, the way everything looked at the time even what I was wearing.

I remember when I was a bit younger, about 14 or so. I was out after school with my best friend and she bought a chocolate bar as usual, since I was already conscious of my weight I decided I would get a cereal bar instead. My young minds idea of the healthier alternative, and in fairness it was much lower calorie.

Later on I went round to my Nans and I still had the wrapper in my pocket. So I went to put it in her bin, she very quickly snapped that that was why I was fat, I was always eating this junk.

That for me is when I unconsciously started eating on my own and binging in secret. I've lived feeling terrified people would call me on what I was eating, or think "she shouldn't be eating that" Even if it was a piece of fruit.

This wasn't exactly what started my bizarre relationship with food, that seems to stem from a very dysfunctional home life and family situations. But it is absolutely what made me feel secrecy was necessary regarding my eating.

I was interested in what other peoples 'trigger moments' were. I know not everyone on this board will relate to the emotional ties to food, but I'm sure theres many of us who can. It is nice to know you aren't alone.

[JessLess]

I'm sorry that that happened to you. (hug)

[bliss3244]

awww, i think all people can relate.. as for me i dont really know where it started but what i do know is that once it began and i was aware of it i would allow myself to be with only myself and food... because no one could judge me and talk about me or call me fat... as a young child i recall my mom calling me fat and telling me to stop eating so much but she never offered or showed me a better healthy way of eating.. nor did she encourage me to work out or be active... i would just say home all the time and me avoiding the situation didn't make it better it got worse, because i developed a habit that still exist to this day

[archychick]

How horrible for you, especially at such a young age. *hugs

I hadn't really thought about this before, but your post immediately made me zone in on an incident that I will never forget. One that put me on the yo-yo diet roller coaster.

When I was 12 I was rail thin. My clothes literally hung on me. My mother was a bit plump at the time. Not obese, just motherly fat as some get and dieted constantly. I never really gave dieting or overeating a thought. I was eating something, don't remember what. I do remember the disgusted look on my father's face as he said, "You don't want to eat that or you will get fat, like your mother." I was horrified that he would say that to me and very sad that he spoke badly of my mother. Well, I began sneaking away to read my mother's new diet book, "The Scarsdale Diet" which basically called for a ton of grapefruit and salad and not much else. Hardly any calories at all. I starved myself, weighed myself (confused because I didn't know how fat was fat) and began hating myself all summer long. I eventually got sick, school started and I went off the diet. I still was overly conscious about my weight (I was a stick!) and that November bought my first Teen Magazine (with the then teen model, Kathy Ireland). This started a several year trend of trying to look exactly like the models in the magazines to no avail, of course. I then blimped out at 14 and this is when my binging/fasting started.

I have attributed my yo-yo weight to this incident, but you know, I really do think this is what triggered my secret binging! I never binged before that. Thank you!

[Sarahlynn]

For me it stated when I hit puberty and rounded out a bit. I was by no means fat but compared to my tall skinny friends I felt that way. I began the fasting and binging and purging cycle and ended up 89 lbs. I became healthier when I met my now husband because I was so busy being happy that I didnt have time for the hate myself cycle I had been in. When I became pregnant with my first I gained 50 lbs just eating and that is what sort of triggered me to binge without purging and I have faught the binging since. I spent three years not binging and at a healthy weight but when my Grandfather died last summer it triggered it all over again and I gained 25 lbs over the late summer and fall.

[racrane]

I'm sorry it happened to you! I know for me, I was very young. I was always self-conscious about my body, from the young age of 3 (I'm not kidding). I remember my mom putting me in ballet class and I HATED it. I felt so ugly compared to all the other girls there. I was honestly normal compared to the other girls but in my mind I was "fat". It got worse as I got older, my body image, and at 10 I started to binge on pop tarts in the middle of the night. I didn't know what it was then (a binge) but I felt so ashamed. It got worse as I got older and spiraled out of control in college. I'm glad my bingeing is finally under control (I'm on a meal plan) but the thoughts are still there. That's what I'm still struggling with. My body image is also pretty terrible still. I still wonder why I've always hated my body, I don't get it